Pink Shirt Day

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Today, two friends told me about their recent experience with bullying.

One of my best friends, who I have known for 23 years told me about her son fearfully shaking this morning as he told her he was scared to go to school. Another friend told me about how her co-workers child is experiencing bullying with little help from the school principal.

Sadly, these stories are not unique and the fact is that bullying is rampant in our society.

From very small children, where it begins, to adults in public office.  Many people know live in the great state of Wisconsin. For over 50 years the state has held a long tradition of union negotiation, protecting the rights of workers. Now those rights are under attack by a newly elected Governor, ill-equipped to compromise, preferring strong-arm tactics.

Both sides of the argument are in the process of name calling and bullying tactics.  One side has sought to bully the other into changes and is shocked when the other has decided to push back, effectively playing the same game by refusing to allow a vote. Clearly, both sides are bullying the other, and failing to negotiate is a horrible example of how things should work.  Sadly, that the Governor is trying to eliminate the right to negotiate is the most tragic tactic to come out of this political dispute but both sides have behaved poorly in many respects.

I would like to remind people, bullying begins in a child’s formative years and all examples that adults provide are quickly internalized as proper behavior, regardless of whether those are appropriate or not.

When a child is bullied on the playground we often tell them to fight back, and we certainly wouldn’t expect them to lay down and take a beating when faced with a fight, but to defend themselves given the circumstances.  The solution is to learn how to treat each other with respect and learn to negotiate and compromise with a clear head, avoiding the power abuse that is bullying.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011 is Pink Shirt Day, a day we stand together to fight against bullying by deciding we are no longer going to tolerate power abuse. We stand together silently to support the rights of children and people to be treated with respect. Remember to wear your PINK shirt, and remember that bullying begins with each of us and the examples we set for our children.

Here is a link for more information.

Political Provocation?

 

Controversial Map from Sarah Palin‘s Facebook page

Many people are claiming that the responsibility for Saturday’s horrific mass shooting in Tucson Arizona belongs with Sarah Palin and her camp for placing a map on Facebook page last year designating Democrats who had voted for the controversial health care bill with a symbol eerily similar to the crosshairs of a gun.  Some people think that Jesse Kelly’s pre-election event where he encouraged people to come shoot an M16 with him to raise funds to ‘remove Gabrielle Giffords from office”.

I suspect that at this point both people involved are regretting those situations. I belive that the actions of Sarah Palin and Jessie Kelly were, at the very least,  irresponsible and a poor example of how we should be treating each other.

As is the case with most tragedies, journalists immediately jumped on the chance to blame someone.  Name calling and attempts at isolating and ostracizing those on the opposite side were almost immediate.  Bickering and public shaming  continue days later, even as the victim’s funerals begin.

In reality, both sides have made some pretty poor choices. It turns out that at one point Democrats have used a map with archery targets marking areas that Democrats could win.
Apparently, President Obama has quoted The Untouchables, stating, “If they bring a knife to the fight, we bring a gun.”

It seems that words and actions can cause an awful lot of regret. We often say things we don’t mean and we certainly don’t expect for things like Saturday’s shooting to happen.  Does that mean that politicians are responsible for the alleged actions of Jared Loughner?

Certainly not. The young man seems to have exhibited many of the symptoms associated with schizophrenia and while he may not purse an insanity defense, he likely had some mental health issues.  He is the only one responsible for his actions. 

Politicians are not responsible, but their inability to seek common political ground is damaging our country, no matter how you look at it. Whether in their example as role models or the lack of compromising progress in Washington, politicians are damaging our country.

In my opinion, the scenario and political climate reeks of bullying and seems no different from a high school hallway or classroom. When we vote for these people we are just as culpable for the disharmony that exists in our country as they are.  The question is, what are we going to do about it?

Isolation

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Many of you already know that I am a former juvenile corrections officer. “Youth counselor” was my official term because the state where I worked wanted to soften the blow and image of children being in prison. Sadly, it was a prison. There was a razor wire fence and half way through my tenure there, an electric fence was added.  I can’t imagine calling it anything less than a prison.

I bring that up now because, like many of you, I am disturbed by the mass shooting in Tucson, AZ this weekend. My work in the prison allowed me to see differences in human behaviors  and become interested in possible “causes”. That incident, like many violent outbursts seen across the United States, and rarely, elsewhere have seem to have one thing in common. Each of the alleged assailants seem to live in isolation. Whether self-imposed, imagined, or socially isolated they all appear to be on the fringe. As they live on the fringe they seek acceptance wherever they can get it. Nowadays, that is likely the internet where similarly isolated people can join and share their ideas. Ideas,  that often are more and more radical, more and more isolatory in nature, more and more oppositional to what they see as they problems with the culture they may have been rejected from.

Why do I write about this here? On a blog for bullying, particularly as it exists in early childhood?

I write about here because I notice similarities in the victims of bullying and the eventual perpetrators to these crimes.  I am not making excuses for them, mind you. I just notice that both suffer from the same sort of isolation, and need to find acceptance. The difference is that  young children are not always able to seek out acceptance in the radical fringes of the internet. 

I bring it up because I feel it is even more important to be aware when our children are facing isolation, or perhaps encouraging it among their peers.  If conditions are right, isolation from the group can cause adverse reactions and can potentially exacerbate already stressful mental health conditions. 

Perhaps, we can reach out to people who may not fit within our little groups and as we do so we set an example for our children that everyone is deserving of acceptance. 

Perhaps, as we seek out people who may not fit our little molds or cliques we may find that someone needs us more than we know.

Perhaps, we will be rewarded in ways we can not imagine as that person brings a new perspective to our lives.

Perhaps, we can seek out help for those that need it around us. Perhaps, we can eliminate a tragedy now, or twenty years down the road, as we offer a safety net or encourage acceptance and healthy self-esteem among those in our community.

Perhaps, I am way off base but I see a lot of parallels between bullying and the isolation it causes and the isolation that seems to be present in most, if not all, of the shooters lives.  Perhaps.

My heart goes out to ALL involved in the shooting incident in Tucson, AZ. It is my sincere hope that all with be met with healing and peace.  I hope that those victims still in the hospital, and Gabrielle Giffords, continue to heal physically and will heal emotionally from this tragic, life changing event.

Increased Awareness for bullying or Increased copying

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During 2011 I am hoping to write more. I want to contribute to the dialogue that has started (finally) about bullying and how it affects students and communities.

One of the things I have been thinking about is, does the increased media awareness lend to solutions or does it obscure the real problem by sensationalizing the traumatic stories? Does it lead to an increase in copycat suicides? Does the increased media presence do more harm than good?

I am not sure of the answers and I do know one thing. The increased media awareness still does not direct attention to the fact that bullying begins in early childhood. I am concerned that the attention does little more than focus on those victims that have already lived past the point of tolerance. Children who have survived, and are either taking their lives, or they are old enough to speak out, are at this point the only ones being heard.

My focus has always been on bullying as it begins in early childhood and our response to children who are bullied or are showing the signs of becoming serial bullies.  We do not spend enough time and effort on assisting our children in learning appropriate interpersonal communication techniques at an early age and the result is adolescents who are unable to, or unwilling to, learn new skills.

What do you think the media awareness is doing for the cause of bullying? Has it made it a novel concern? Do you think there is a way to educate people without sensationalizing trauma?

I would love to hear your thoughts and I look forward to the New Year. I hope that you are blessed with love and peace in the New Year.

50 Blog Posts Every Teacher Should Read

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I am proud to say that this blog has a place on a special list. 50 Blog Posts Every Teacher Should Read is a list produced by Michael Erins on his site Masters in Education.

The post, What can forgiveness do for you?, written July 31 2010, about Phoebe’s father’s wish to forgive the children involved in her suicide, was in response to the Phoebe Prince case, and in part, a post written earlier that day.

Thank you Mr. Erins for your dedication to teachers and for researching the 50 most important sites. I applaud your efforts.

As many of you know bullying is a crisis I care deeply about, despite my inability at this time to post as often as I would like.  I applaud efforts by educators to find new ways to deal with this age-old problem.

I mentioned awhile back I had spoken with my daughter’s principal about the lack of supervision on the playgrounds at her school. Two school days after that conversation the principal di send out an email to parents requesting volunteer supervision on the playground. It was a welcome email and when I returned to the school the following Friday there was a noticeable increase in parents choosing to attend lunch with their children. Recess seemed a little less chaotic and it is my opinion that adult presence simply reminds children of the rules even if the rules are unspoken. Kudos, to her principal!

Perhaps you can spend some time at recess with your children and help create a more visible adult presence. Children really enjoy it, and I am sure you will too.

Most bullying in schools occurs during unsupervised times like recess, class transitions, and bathroom breaks. Children cannot be watched every second of every day but if  more adults are present during recess perhaps the likelihood of bullying behavior will drop.

Isn’t it worth a try?

I hope you are having a wonderful week and I hope to have opportunity to write again soon. In the mean time please explore some of the helpful links I have provided on this site.

~Beth

Lunch Time

Sitting down for lunch at my daughter‘s school in a cafeteria with hundreds of children and a table full of kindergarten children is always interesting. The noise level is deafening, and entertainment is never missing.

Kindergarteners, especially,  are always seeking out attention and love to have adults eat with them. Each time I go the children tell me stories and are genuinely happy to see me. Walking the halls after lunch or recess I am continuously approached by children. Many are neighbors, but some are children I have met during the course of eating with my daughter. They stop me after school when I pick her up and tell me about their days.

It is a truly enjoyable experience.  I recommend trying it some time. Ask if you can eat lunch with your child, and I promise your child will be so happy, it will be worth the possible need for a hearing check after lunch.

Yesterday, I went to eat lunch with my daughter and two of my friends (they’re my neighbors too) were there. It was a great time and  wonderful  to see our community extends inside the school, and as children get to know us, it grows. What a wonderful feeling to know these children are happy to see you!

After lunch, my friend and I asked if we could have an appointment with the principal. We had concerns because only one, (really amazing and super efficient but really overworked) woman supervises the lunch recess for about eighty children (give or take) (with an occasional helper).

When my daughter comes home from school complaining about things it is usually recess that is the issue. Most if us know that bullying and other problems occur when there is limited supervision, namely recess or in the halls.  I have been to lunch several times and have seen several problems, yesterday was no different. As super-woman was busy, two boys sat atop their class mate pummeling him. I walked over there and they started to scatter. It turns out the dispute was over Silly Bands (have you seen these things?). When asked if they could have made better choices, the attacker and his side-kick started to cry and plead the injustice of theft.

I had seen enough. I had planned on talking to the Principal about the superwoman’s inability to be everywhere at once, even though she really does an amazing job. I wanted to explain to him how I feel bullying behaviors begin in Kindergarten, and before, and many of these children have never really had opportunity to be social, and to leave them with so little supervision (reinforcing behaviors that are naturally aggressive) is a recipe for disaster. I understand budget problems, but this was ridiculous.

Fortunately, the principal has a very open policy and saw us right away and agreed something could be done, but there is no funding. I suggested, since my friend and I are usually there one day a week, isn’t is possible there are some parents who do not know they can have lunch with their kids or might volunteer a lunch period to hang out for recess.

He agreed and said that an email would be forthcoming. In the mean time I will be going for lunch once a week anyway, having fun with my daughter, meeting her classmates, and loving that I get to be a part of her life in this way.

What would you do?

Friends!

Bullying in kindergarten, and younger, is very real. I have written about the behaviors I saw in my daughter’s 4-K class, and how it prompted me to start this blog. I wish that I was able to write every day because I would be able to share with you the story of Jasmine, on how one child is affecting our lives .

I have written about her before, in my post, First Day of Kindergarten. She is a child in my daughter’s class and her behaviors have brought my daughter, and her friend Vanessa, to tears . The problem is how do we address it as parents?

At lunch, we (Vanessa’s mother and I) notice that the supervision in the cafeteria, and outside for recess, is limited.  Most researchers will say that bullying is at its worst when there is little supervision, and unfortunately this school appears to be no different. The school is currently spending an enormous amount of money on a program designed at improving interaction among peers, and teaching proper interpersonal relationships. The results are yet to be seen, of course, but I believe that if these behaviors begin at home, and if they are acceptable at home, (or childcare or wherever), they will continue to be part of the child’s actions. A few hours of day in school might not change anything.

We have spoken with the teacher who admits she has spoken to the child’s parent, and it is something she must continue to discuss all day with the girl. She seemed overwhelmed, and my concern is that this child is robbing others of their chance at a peaceful education.

Some complaints we hear from our daughters are “She won’t let me play with so and so, She kicked me off the team, She said Vanessa can’t play with me”. The last statement is the most disturbing as my daughter and Vanessa have been friends for years and do many things together outside of school. When we (Vanessa’s mother and I) visit the school we see this child dragging Vanessa around, ordering her to do things, and ultimately controlling her. As much as Vanessa’s mother and I are able, we try to encourage Vanessa, a relatively shy and soft-spoken child, to resist this Jasmine, but it seems futile. We have both spoken to this child (Jasmine) on several occasions, and like most bullies, she appears to be sweet and kind, and ultimately respectful to adults, and she certainly does not realize we are able to see through her façade.

Jasmine has invited both our girls to her birthday party, which happens to be tonight, and uninvited them many times as well. Vanessa’s mother and I are going to take our children and see how the interactions occur in front of Jasmine’s mother, and go ahead from there. Our two girls will have a sleep-over after the party.

Vanessa’s mother and I were so excited when we learned our daughter’s were in the same class, and now we are sad that their experience has been so horrible, because of one child and their actions.

No matter how many times we tell our girls, that they need not play with this child, that they should play with other people and ignore her, that they are strong and they do not deserve to be treated this way, they are simply overwhelmed by her.

We have debated whether they should go to the party (but decided we could see if she acted that way in front of her mother-potentially opening a door to unthreatening communication), we have toyed with the idea of inviting her to joining our Girl Scout Troop (so she can see appropriate interactions), we have spoken to the teacher, and will be addressing the lack of supervision on the playground with the school.
What would you do?

Yesterday another mother heard, and saw me, as I talked with Jasmine about how sad she made me, and my daughter when she is unkind, and how I know she can be nicer to the girls.
The mother said that she liked how I did that, and wondered what was going on because her daughter was experiencing something similar in her class.

As I read the article in The New York Times today entitled 1 Ohio School, 4 Bullied Teens Dead at Own Hand I wonder why do we wait so long to act on these behaviors, and what MORE can we do about it? Shouldn’t we be focusing more on these younger children so these behaviors do not become permanent personality flaws?

My Child a Bully? Part 1 – By Annie Fox

Some of you know who Annie Fox is, if you don’t and have kids, you really must. She is an author, educator, and has amazing insight into the lives of teens. 

The following is part 1 of a 2 part post that she agreed to share – I hope that you will enjoy it and will take the time to check out her blog at http://anniefox.com  . There, you can find out more about her books, her podcasts, or her new Middle School book Series Middle School Confidential.  

This won’t be an easy read. But if the title pulled you in, you may already have some suspicions (or hard evidence) that your kid engages in mean-spirited behavior that hurts others. No parent wants to admit their kid is a bully, but according to a recent U.S. Department of Justice study, 77% of students nation-wide reported having been bullied, verbally, mentally or physically, in school in the past month. Lots of tormentors. Each one is somebody’s child. Would you know if (s)he was yours? 

Hints that your child may be a bully: 

1. You or your partner is a bully. The family is Ground Zero for learning about emotional responses and relationships. If a parent consistently yells or uses verbal threats, emotional blackmail or physical violence to manipulate family members, that’s what the child learns. And that learned aggression is likely to come to school with him/her. If you’re a bully it may be difficult for you to see it. If you’re wondering, ask your partner or your child “Do you think I’m a bully?” Hopefully they’re not too afraid to tell you the truth. 

2. Your child is bossy at home. Is she demanding? Do things have to be her way or she throws a fit? Curses at you? Threatens? Gives you the silent treatment? Refuses to cooperate? Takes it out on siblings? If you made a short list of adjectives describing your child would you paint a portrait of someone you admire? If you admit she’s self-centered, controlling, insensitive at home, why assume she’s consistently caring and supportive at school? 

3. Your child’s close friends are not the nicest people. You may not trust them without knowing why. Or you may have good reasons not to respect the choices these kids make.  If so, talk to your child (calmly and respectfully) about these friends. This isn’t about labeling or demonizing. And it’s surely not about getting into a power struggle with your child about who she can and can’t be friends with. This is about understanding your child. Be compassionately curious about his friendships and he’s likely to open up.  Your intent is to find out what your child likes about his friends and which ones, if any, your child may not be 100% comfortable with. 

4. Your child makes rude comments about other kids. Tune in to conversations between your child and her friends. What kind of language do they use to describe other kids? How often do you overhear gossip, a rude put-down, or a “joke” being made at someone else’s expense? 

Ask your child to tell you about the social hierarchy in her grade. Kids often like to display their expertise and you’ll be surprised at how detailed they get about who’s “in” and who is so not. Some kids will literally draw you a picture of the school’s social landscape! Listen closely as your child describes the kids who aren’t popular. Or the ones who are. Do you hear derogatory language? (“He’s such a loser.” “She’s such an ugly bitch.” ”Fat!” “Retard!” “Whore.”) If your kid freely talks this way in your presence, there are no barriers to the hurtful words (s)he’ll say, text or post when you’re not around. 

Parents of tweens and teens assume that their days of influencing their children are over. Not so! While it’s a fact that friends’ opinions are important, so are yours. You still have tremendous influence on your child’s values and behavior, and you always will. Even after your kids are grown with kids of their own. 

If you are aware that your child is a bully or leaning in that direction, it’s up to you to provide a course correction. When each parent does their job… bullying problem solved 

Annie Fox, M.Ed. is an award winning author, educator, and online adviser for parents and teens since 1997. http://anniefox.com  Her books for tweens & teens include; Too Stressed to Think? And the new Middle School Confidential™ series.  

Listen to her podcast series “Family Confidential: Secrets of Successful Parenting”    

Thanks to Annie Fox for sharing her words with us here!

First Day of Kindergarten

Lunch was packed; grapes, cheese sticks, homemade (from a box-but not pre-packaged) pudding,  pretzel nibblers, lovey note from Mommy. CHECK. Bookbag, water bottle, milk money. CHECK.

  She was not as nervous as I thought she would be, and neither was I. The rain held off. The walk to school with our friends, and neighbors, was delightful.  A beautiful day all around.

Then it happened. Not to my daughter, but to the lovely little girl she has become friends with; we all have become friends with.  Vanessa, (not her real name) got glasses over the summer. Beautiful purple, and sparkly glasses. They look as though they belong on her face.  Under the flagpole, waiting for school to start, Vanessa’s friend from pre-school approaches. Vanessa is visibly nervous. Maybe about school. Maybe about the glasses.

Jasmine: (Also,not her real name): “What happened to your eyes?”.  Vanessa hesitates.  I answer, “Aren’t her glasses pretty, she just got them over the summer?”  “Don’t they look nice on her?”

Jasmine: “UGH“,  with a frightened, disgusted look, hides behind her mother. Seconds later, she returns, “Why don’t you take them off? Why are you wearing them?”

At this point I am not sure what to do, Vanessa is clearly distraught, and I know from her mother she is not happy about having to wear the glasses. I step back, leaving the girls to themselves, I tell Vanessa’s mother about the incident as she talks to another mother.  

I am heartbroken for Vanessa. I can’t imagine how it has made her feel, especially since she is so visibly shaken by the overall experience of attending her first day of school, the glasses may have been the icing on the cake.

Luckily, Vanessa is resilient and strong, smart and determined, she will be alright, no doubt.

I was wondering, what would you do in that situation? How would you address it? Do you let the girls feel the situation out? Do you help Jasmine understand, even if she is not your child? 

I quickly reminded Vanessa how fantastic she looked, as we all have been, since she got the glasses. Did it sink in? Does her fear prevent any compliments from sinking in?

 I do think that it is acceptable for Jasmine to be curious, but it is important for the behavior to be addressed somehow. If not, and it is brushed off as “normal”, behaviors like this are bound to continue and insensitivity can easily be come something much more harmful. At least in my opinion.  What do you think?

Perspective and Prejudice.

The other day I took my children to the Wisconsin Veteran’s Museum. It wasn’t out of some patriotic need to see the museum, but rather, it was stifling outside, and the museum is free.

Located on the first floor of a building, directly across the street from the Wisconsin State Capitol, the museum possesses many collections of war memorabilia from various conflicts throughout American history.  I wasn’t sure what we would find, and how I would feel about the experience. I feel it is important for my children to learn about conflict, and the consequences,  so there we were. Standing in front of cannons, tanks, ammunition, and weapons of untold number, I realized how bloody our American past has been. Not that other countries don’t have equally bloody pasts, but I do not live there.

I thought about all the conflicts, and wondered if they were avoidable. I fielded questions from my children about the weapons, and the mannequins with blood on them. I paused as I saw pictures of veterans who had lost their lives from Wisconsin in the current conflict.

I can’t explain how I felt that day accurately, other than I was embarrassed to explain to my children why so many people couldn’t get along. When asked “why did so many people die?”  I couldn’t really answer, because I am not sure that the conflicts required so much violence.   Maybe they did, maybe they didn’t.

As uncomfortable and as somber as the experience made me feel, nothing compared to what happened next.

A family, obviously containing several generations, came into one area of the museum. Standing before me, in front of the exhibits housing Korean, Vietnam and World War II memorabilia, was a family of Asian descent.  I wasn’t sure of their exact origin, and I assumed they were visiting, or first generation citizens, because most of their conversations were in a different dialect. Not being an expert, I couldn’t be sure of which one.

Immediately, I was nervous. I was nervous not because I had some patriotic predisposed anger after viewing the memorabilia, but instead because I was embarrassed.  I was embarrassed, because I did not know what the exhibits would mean to them. I wanted nothing more than to ask them how viewing the exhibits made them feel. I wanted to know how their perception of history differed from mine. I wanted to do nothing more than talk with them.  I wanted to find out what they felt caused the conflict, and what could be done in the future.

Sadly, I was the only one. Several other visitors immediately left the area. There was whispering, and dirty looks.

How can we begin to solve problems if we immediately pass judgement on others? How can we assume that the other visitors were not citizens? How can we assume what they feel?  (Of course I realize that I am assuming that the other visitors left because of the apparent origin of the newest visitors however it would seem that they did try to hide it)

What does this have to do with Kindergarten bullying?

Nothing specifically, other than my children did not show the same distrust or displeasure toward people with differences.  They were not rude or disrespectful. They didn’t feel the need to leave, or whisper. They kept looking at the exhibits as though nothing was amiss, as they should have. It was clear to me that children are not immediately distrustful of their peers.

Do children pass judgement on their peers only because of images and attitudes held by their parents? It would seem so to me. What do you think?