Pink Shirt Day

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Today, two friends told me about their recent experience with bullying.

One of my best friends, who I have known for 23 years told me about her son fearfully shaking this morning as he told her he was scared to go to school. Another friend told me about how her co-workers child is experiencing bullying with little help from the school principal.

Sadly, these stories are not unique and the fact is that bullying is rampant in our society.

From very small children, where it begins, to adults in public office.  Many people know live in the great state of Wisconsin. For over 50 years the state has held a long tradition of union negotiation, protecting the rights of workers. Now those rights are under attack by a newly elected Governor, ill-equipped to compromise, preferring strong-arm tactics.

Both sides of the argument are in the process of name calling and bullying tactics.  One side has sought to bully the other into changes and is shocked when the other has decided to push back, effectively playing the same game by refusing to allow a vote. Clearly, both sides are bullying the other, and failing to negotiate is a horrible example of how things should work.  Sadly, that the Governor is trying to eliminate the right to negotiate is the most tragic tactic to come out of this political dispute but both sides have behaved poorly in many respects.

I would like to remind people, bullying begins in a child’s formative years and all examples that adults provide are quickly internalized as proper behavior, regardless of whether those are appropriate or not.

When a child is bullied on the playground we often tell them to fight back, and we certainly wouldn’t expect them to lay down and take a beating when faced with a fight, but to defend themselves given the circumstances.  The solution is to learn how to treat each other with respect and learn to negotiate and compromise with a clear head, avoiding the power abuse that is bullying.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011 is Pink Shirt Day, a day we stand together to fight against bullying by deciding we are no longer going to tolerate power abuse. We stand together silently to support the rights of children and people to be treated with respect. Remember to wear your PINK shirt, and remember that bullying begins with each of us and the examples we set for our children.

Here is a link for more information.

What will it take?

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Ok. So I don’t get to write as often as I like. I am swamped this semester, again, and although I think about the topic of bullying and how we treat each other often, I don’t get to share it here. I suppose that makes me no better than many other people who say, “It’s not my problem.”  I hope not, but I can’t help but think that I should be doing more.

This morning I went to church with my family. A church I like quite a lot because I belive they really do preach acceptance.  This morning, at our Family Service, the message of acceptance was shared loud and clear.

The Family Service is designed, as far as I  can tell, to make church an experience that children want to be involved in.  We have all seen the child sitting in the pews, eyes glazed over, wishing more than anything they were somewhere else.  Plenty of parents too. It isn’t like that at our church. The Family service is shortened to about a half an hour. Perfect for young children and their short attention spans. The content and sharing of Scripture is put in a context they can understand. There are often puppet shows,  and actors (often our pastors) dressed in costume sharing stories from the Bible in ways that children can relate to.  If that didn’t engage the children, they are often asked to sing, play instruments and share in the message in various ways.   The youth of our church really want to be there and youth activities always seem to be well attended. 

Today the message was for children and parents. In the process of sharing about the Ten Commandments, Pastor Scott took the time to talk about bullying.  He shared how important it is for peers to treat each other well and “sticks and stones really do hurt”. I couldn’t have been prouder when he took the time to discuss such an important problem.

It really is going to take everyone, and churches are a great place to start.  When community leaders take the time to say the problem needs attention, people begin to shift their focus. Oftentimes , bullying is looked at just kids being kids. Something that doesn’t really deserve a lot of attention. The time for that is passed, bullying is an epidemic.  From politics, to playgrounds, we must begin to treat our fellow humans better. Treat those as you would like to be treated shouldn’t be lip service, but a real way of life.

Thank you Pastor’s Scott and Paula for sharing the word.

Increased Awareness for bullying or Increased copying

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During 2011 I am hoping to write more. I want to contribute to the dialogue that has started (finally) about bullying and how it affects students and communities.

One of the things I have been thinking about is, does the increased media awareness lend to solutions or does it obscure the real problem by sensationalizing the traumatic stories? Does it lead to an increase in copycat suicides? Does the increased media presence do more harm than good?

I am not sure of the answers and I do know one thing. The increased media awareness still does not direct attention to the fact that bullying begins in early childhood. I am concerned that the attention does little more than focus on those victims that have already lived past the point of tolerance. Children who have survived, and are either taking their lives, or they are old enough to speak out, are at this point the only ones being heard.

My focus has always been on bullying as it begins in early childhood and our response to children who are bullied or are showing the signs of becoming serial bullies.  We do not spend enough time and effort on assisting our children in learning appropriate interpersonal communication techniques at an early age and the result is adolescents who are unable to, or unwilling to, learn new skills.

What do you think the media awareness is doing for the cause of bullying? Has it made it a novel concern? Do you think there is a way to educate people without sensationalizing trauma?

I would love to hear your thoughts and I look forward to the New Year. I hope that you are blessed with love and peace in the New Year.

The Bully

An amazing new independent film by Derek Kimball and Matthew D. Konkel will première tonight at  7:30 p.m. Friday, Oct. 8, at Rhode Center for the Arts, 514 56th St., Kenosha, Wisconsin. Filmed in Wisconsin, The Bully is an artistic perspective on something that is prevalent in our society, and is making headlines each day, it seems.

Kimball and Konkel expose bullying as it occurs through a child’s eyes, and offer a fresh reminder about what it feels like to be in elementary school face to face with a school bully.  Unique camera angles, and sound, make this film feel remarkably real, allowing the viewer to share the same emotions the boys do as they  find themselves confronting a bully to win the favor of a girl. Kelly, (Henry Shotwell), and Sam, (Richard Heim),  reach out to challenge Noah Marns (Alex Losi) and are surprised by what they find. You will be too.

While this movie does not seek to teach a lesson, or shine a light on the problem of bullying, the fact is, it does. Brilliant screenwriting by Derek Kimball and Matthew Konkel  make this an important contribution to the dialogue about bullying.  

If you are in the Kenosha area see this film firsthand, and if you are not, take the time to go to the website, view the trailer, and donate. Your support allows the film enter film festivals worldwide.

What would you do?

Friends!

Bullying in kindergarten, and younger, is very real. I have written about the behaviors I saw in my daughter’s 4-K class, and how it prompted me to start this blog. I wish that I was able to write every day because I would be able to share with you the story of Jasmine, on how one child is affecting our lives .

I have written about her before, in my post, First Day of Kindergarten. She is a child in my daughter’s class and her behaviors have brought my daughter, and her friend Vanessa, to tears . The problem is how do we address it as parents?

At lunch, we (Vanessa’s mother and I) notice that the supervision in the cafeteria, and outside for recess, is limited.  Most researchers will say that bullying is at its worst when there is little supervision, and unfortunately this school appears to be no different. The school is currently spending an enormous amount of money on a program designed at improving interaction among peers, and teaching proper interpersonal relationships. The results are yet to be seen, of course, but I believe that if these behaviors begin at home, and if they are acceptable at home, (or childcare or wherever), they will continue to be part of the child’s actions. A few hours of day in school might not change anything.

We have spoken with the teacher who admits she has spoken to the child’s parent, and it is something she must continue to discuss all day with the girl. She seemed overwhelmed, and my concern is that this child is robbing others of their chance at a peaceful education.

Some complaints we hear from our daughters are “She won’t let me play with so and so, She kicked me off the team, She said Vanessa can’t play with me”. The last statement is the most disturbing as my daughter and Vanessa have been friends for years and do many things together outside of school. When we (Vanessa’s mother and I) visit the school we see this child dragging Vanessa around, ordering her to do things, and ultimately controlling her. As much as Vanessa’s mother and I are able, we try to encourage Vanessa, a relatively shy and soft-spoken child, to resist this Jasmine, but it seems futile. We have both spoken to this child (Jasmine) on several occasions, and like most bullies, she appears to be sweet and kind, and ultimately respectful to adults, and she certainly does not realize we are able to see through her façade.

Jasmine has invited both our girls to her birthday party, which happens to be tonight, and uninvited them many times as well. Vanessa’s mother and I are going to take our children and see how the interactions occur in front of Jasmine’s mother, and go ahead from there. Our two girls will have a sleep-over after the party.

Vanessa’s mother and I were so excited when we learned our daughter’s were in the same class, and now we are sad that their experience has been so horrible, because of one child and their actions.

No matter how many times we tell our girls, that they need not play with this child, that they should play with other people and ignore her, that they are strong and they do not deserve to be treated this way, they are simply overwhelmed by her.

We have debated whether they should go to the party (but decided we could see if she acted that way in front of her mother-potentially opening a door to unthreatening communication), we have toyed with the idea of inviting her to joining our Girl Scout Troop (so she can see appropriate interactions), we have spoken to the teacher, and will be addressing the lack of supervision on the playground with the school.
What would you do?

Yesterday another mother heard, and saw me, as I talked with Jasmine about how sad she made me, and my daughter when she is unkind, and how I know she can be nicer to the girls.
The mother said that she liked how I did that, and wondered what was going on because her daughter was experiencing something similar in her class.

As I read the article in The New York Times today entitled 1 Ohio School, 4 Bullied Teens Dead at Own Hand I wonder why do we wait so long to act on these behaviors, and what MORE can we do about it? Shouldn’t we be focusing more on these younger children so these behaviors do not become permanent personality flaws?

The Bully- A new independent film

I have a second to post and I wanted to mention that in just a few days I will be receiving an advance copy of the new independent film by Derek Kimball and Matthew D. Konkel called The Bully. I am really excited to see this artistic look at a problem that is so prevalent, and seems to be more so each day.

While I have not been writing as regularly as I was, bullying is still a cause I care deeply about. Especially since it is so visible in my daughter’s class. It seems that there is a lot of aggression in a few of the children and relational aggression is most prevalent. At least as far as I can see. Children are not very kind and each day my daughter comes home with a different story about who wont play with whom and what is being said. I could just assume that it is a child’s perception, but I have in fact, witnessed it myself. Occasionally, I meet with her for lunch. I sit at her table, and I see the behavior that will someday lead to really overt bullying. It is distressing, and as soon as I figure out how to stop it, I will. But the sad fact of the matter is, all of the redirection in the world may be lost on children whose only modeling for appropriate behavior comes for tween television loaded with snippy comments and superior thinking.

At present her school uses a form of ‘bullying’ curriculum, and it seems as though it is something they talk about in class . I am watching to see how things progress and will keep posted as time allows.

In the mean time, I hope you will check out the website for the film The Bully, and as soon as I have opportunity to see it I will let you know!

My Child a Bully? Part 1 – By Annie Fox

Some of you know who Annie Fox is, if you don’t and have kids, you really must. She is an author, educator, and has amazing insight into the lives of teens. 

The following is part 1 of a 2 part post that she agreed to share – I hope that you will enjoy it and will take the time to check out her blog at http://anniefox.com  . There, you can find out more about her books, her podcasts, or her new Middle School book Series Middle School Confidential.  

This won’t be an easy read. But if the title pulled you in, you may already have some suspicions (or hard evidence) that your kid engages in mean-spirited behavior that hurts others. No parent wants to admit their kid is a bully, but according to a recent U.S. Department of Justice study, 77% of students nation-wide reported having been bullied, verbally, mentally or physically, in school in the past month. Lots of tormentors. Each one is somebody’s child. Would you know if (s)he was yours? 

Hints that your child may be a bully: 

1. You or your partner is a bully. The family is Ground Zero for learning about emotional responses and relationships. If a parent consistently yells or uses verbal threats, emotional blackmail or physical violence to manipulate family members, that’s what the child learns. And that learned aggression is likely to come to school with him/her. If you’re a bully it may be difficult for you to see it. If you’re wondering, ask your partner or your child “Do you think I’m a bully?” Hopefully they’re not too afraid to tell you the truth. 

2. Your child is bossy at home. Is she demanding? Do things have to be her way or she throws a fit? Curses at you? Threatens? Gives you the silent treatment? Refuses to cooperate? Takes it out on siblings? If you made a short list of adjectives describing your child would you paint a portrait of someone you admire? If you admit she’s self-centered, controlling, insensitive at home, why assume she’s consistently caring and supportive at school? 

3. Your child’s close friends are not the nicest people. You may not trust them without knowing why. Or you may have good reasons not to respect the choices these kids make.  If so, talk to your child (calmly and respectfully) about these friends. This isn’t about labeling or demonizing. And it’s surely not about getting into a power struggle with your child about who she can and can’t be friends with. This is about understanding your child. Be compassionately curious about his friendships and he’s likely to open up.  Your intent is to find out what your child likes about his friends and which ones, if any, your child may not be 100% comfortable with. 

4. Your child makes rude comments about other kids. Tune in to conversations between your child and her friends. What kind of language do they use to describe other kids? How often do you overhear gossip, a rude put-down, or a “joke” being made at someone else’s expense? 

Ask your child to tell you about the social hierarchy in her grade. Kids often like to display their expertise and you’ll be surprised at how detailed they get about who’s “in” and who is so not. Some kids will literally draw you a picture of the school’s social landscape! Listen closely as your child describes the kids who aren’t popular. Or the ones who are. Do you hear derogatory language? (“He’s such a loser.” “She’s such an ugly bitch.” ”Fat!” “Retard!” “Whore.”) If your kid freely talks this way in your presence, there are no barriers to the hurtful words (s)he’ll say, text or post when you’re not around. 

Parents of tweens and teens assume that their days of influencing their children are over. Not so! While it’s a fact that friends’ opinions are important, so are yours. You still have tremendous influence on your child’s values and behavior, and you always will. Even after your kids are grown with kids of their own. 

If you are aware that your child is a bully or leaning in that direction, it’s up to you to provide a course correction. When each parent does their job… bullying problem solved 

Annie Fox, M.Ed. is an award winning author, educator, and online adviser for parents and teens since 1997. http://anniefox.com  Her books for tweens & teens include; Too Stressed to Think? And the new Middle School Confidential™ series.  

Listen to her podcast series “Family Confidential: Secrets of Successful Parenting”    

Thanks to Annie Fox for sharing her words with us here!

Wondering what to look for if your child is being bullied?

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I know I have not been posting as much as I normally do, and for that I apologize. The thing is I have really been enjoying the summer, and time with my kids (for the most part-one can always do without whining and tantrums).

School is starting soon, and I hope to be more proactive in my posts. I haven’t forgotten about the bullies, or even stopped thinking about ways to combat them.  I even feel a bit irresponsible, enjoying my time so much, when I know there are children out there who are afraid. Afraid of their peers, afraid that school is about to start, afraid that their summer vacation ending, means nine months of sadness, depression, fear and angst.

I feel like it is a good time to remind ourselves what it looks like when bullying affects our children, what should we as parents, grandparents, and family members look for?

The following information comes from a site that, I think, offers easy to understand information about bullying and education topics. A person can find a wealth of resources at Education.com by just typing a topic in the search box.

Warning Signs your child is being bullied, and what to do about it:

Warning signs:

 

Possible warning signs that a child is being bullied include:

• Comes home with torn, damaged, or missing pieces of clothing, books, or other belongings
• Has unexplained cuts, bruises, and scratches
• Has few, if any friends, with whom he or she spends time
• Seems afraid of going to school, walking to and from school, riding the school bus, or taking part in organized activities with peers (such as clubs)
• Takes a long, “illogical” route when walking to or from school
• Has lost interest in school work or suddenly begins to do poorly in school
• Appears sad, moody, teary, or depressed when he or she comes home
• Complains frequently of headaches, stomach-ache, or other physical ailments
• Has trouble sleeping or has frequent bad dreams
• Experiences a loss of appetite
• Appears anxious and suffers from low self-esteem

What to do if you suspect that your child is being bullied?

If your child shows any of these signs, this does not necessarily mean that he or she is being bullied, but it is a possibility worth exploring. What should you do? Talk with your child and talk with staff at school to learn more.

1. Talk with your child.

Tell your child that you are concerned and that you’d like to help. Here are some questions that can get the discussion going:

Some direct questions:

• “I’m worried about you. Are there any kids at school who may be picking on you or bullying you?”
• “Are there any kids at school who tease you in a mean way?”
• “Are there any kids at school who leave you out or exclude you on purpose?”

Some subtle questions:

• “Do you have any special friends at school this year? Who are they? Who do you hang out with?”
• “Who do you sit with at lunch and on the bus?”
• “Are there any kids at school who you really don’t like? Why don’t you like them? Do they ever pick on you or leave you out of things?”

The article is available here, goes on to discuss how a parent can speak to educators at their child’s school.

Bullying is not just kids being kids, it is a serious problem, and if it were adults committing the same acts we would not hesitate to call it harassment or abuse. Why do we expect our children to behave like criminals, and allow it?

Parents- Is your child a bully?

It is hard to be a parent. No doubt about it. Juggling work and bills, social engagements and children, family and friends, is hard.  Self-reflection is even more difficult, and honestly looking at our children can be one of the most difficult tasks a parent faces.

No one wants to believe that their sweet baby could be mean. Everyone wants to believe in the innocence of a child.

The reality is that children are not always nice. Sometimes they are adept at hiding their cruel behaviors around adults. Children who are the biggest bullies may appear to be the children who have the most friends. They may seem popular, charismatic, friendly to adults, and have an endless stream of social engagements.

Young children may have to control all of the toys, or a specific toy, or excessively push and shove their peers.  I believe you know, deep down, whether or not there is an issue. Parental gut-instinct is incredibly strong and not easy to deny, but sometimes we do.  

It is imperative that we look deep within our children and ourselves to determine what is best for them in the end. Sometimes we are afraid to examine unpleasant behaviors because they may reflect poorly on us. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t, but ultimately it is important to be a parent and do what is best for the child.

Children who bully are at an increased risk for criminal behavior, and mental health issues. Popularity and failing to act can cost a child a lot if they are bullying their peers.

We must hold our children accountable for negative peer interaction, because if we do not everyone suffers.  

The University of Michigan Health System has a wonderful page about children’s behavior problems  here.
Everything from temper tantrums to aggressive behavior is covered.

~Beth

Bullying is a part of life???

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I was talking with my neighbor tonight about the experience my daughter had that led to the creation of this blog.

Her response?

“Did you tell her that bullying is just a fact of life?”  

No, no I did not. Do I believe that it usually is? Yes. But I do not, not for one minute, belive that it has to be.  I do not believe that we should just look the other way.

 I do believe, that if we work together at an early age we can eliminate it, or at the very least reduce it, so  that perhaps our children could grow up in a less violent world. Maybe they might see less school shootings, instead of more, even though schools are “statistically” a safe place.

She also said well, it is a fact of life, it’s in the workplaces, high schools, it doesn’t matter. 

I know. I know it is. I also know that I used to work at a juvenile prison. I have seen kids taken away from their families, inducted to a life of crime, destined to a life of drugs, violence, poverty and the like.  Some were there because they were violent aggressors in their schools.  Some were clearly victims before they arrived, and continued to be victims after they got there.

Do we know any adults who may have been victims? Who maybe still are? Adult bullies?

Perhaps if we teach our children at an early age they could get along better; maybe in their lifetime they’ll have less war, because other communities, other places decide they no longer want to live like that.  Alright, maybe I am dreaming, but it couldn’t hurt to try.