Political Provocation?

 

Controversial Map from Sarah Palin‘s Facebook page

Many people are claiming that the responsibility for Saturday’s horrific mass shooting in Tucson Arizona belongs with Sarah Palin and her camp for placing a map on Facebook page last year designating Democrats who had voted for the controversial health care bill with a symbol eerily similar to the crosshairs of a gun.  Some people think that Jesse Kelly’s pre-election event where he encouraged people to come shoot an M16 with him to raise funds to ‘remove Gabrielle Giffords from office”.

I suspect that at this point both people involved are regretting those situations. I belive that the actions of Sarah Palin and Jessie Kelly were, at the very least,  irresponsible and a poor example of how we should be treating each other.

As is the case with most tragedies, journalists immediately jumped on the chance to blame someone.  Name calling and attempts at isolating and ostracizing those on the opposite side were almost immediate.  Bickering and public shaming  continue days later, even as the victim’s funerals begin.

In reality, both sides have made some pretty poor choices. It turns out that at one point Democrats have used a map with archery targets marking areas that Democrats could win.
Apparently, President Obama has quoted The Untouchables, stating, “If they bring a knife to the fight, we bring a gun.”

It seems that words and actions can cause an awful lot of regret. We often say things we don’t mean and we certainly don’t expect for things like Saturday’s shooting to happen.  Does that mean that politicians are responsible for the alleged actions of Jared Loughner?

Certainly not. The young man seems to have exhibited many of the symptoms associated with schizophrenia and while he may not purse an insanity defense, he likely had some mental health issues.  He is the only one responsible for his actions. 

Politicians are not responsible, but their inability to seek common political ground is damaging our country, no matter how you look at it. Whether in their example as role models or the lack of compromising progress in Washington, politicians are damaging our country.

In my opinion, the scenario and political climate reeks of bullying and seems no different from a high school hallway or classroom. When we vote for these people we are just as culpable for the disharmony that exists in our country as they are.  The question is, what are we going to do about it?

Isolation

Image via Wikipedia

Many of you already know that I am a former juvenile corrections officer. “Youth counselor” was my official term because the state where I worked wanted to soften the blow and image of children being in prison. Sadly, it was a prison. There was a razor wire fence and half way through my tenure there, an electric fence was added.  I can’t imagine calling it anything less than a prison.

I bring that up now because, like many of you, I am disturbed by the mass shooting in Tucson, AZ this weekend. My work in the prison allowed me to see differences in human behaviors  and become interested in possible “causes”. That incident, like many violent outbursts seen across the United States, and rarely, elsewhere have seem to have one thing in common. Each of the alleged assailants seem to live in isolation. Whether self-imposed, imagined, or socially isolated they all appear to be on the fringe. As they live on the fringe they seek acceptance wherever they can get it. Nowadays, that is likely the internet where similarly isolated people can join and share their ideas. Ideas,  that often are more and more radical, more and more isolatory in nature, more and more oppositional to what they see as they problems with the culture they may have been rejected from.

Why do I write about this here? On a blog for bullying, particularly as it exists in early childhood?

I write about here because I notice similarities in the victims of bullying and the eventual perpetrators to these crimes.  I am not making excuses for them, mind you. I just notice that both suffer from the same sort of isolation, and need to find acceptance. The difference is that  young children are not always able to seek out acceptance in the radical fringes of the internet. 

I bring it up because I feel it is even more important to be aware when our children are facing isolation, or perhaps encouraging it among their peers.  If conditions are right, isolation from the group can cause adverse reactions and can potentially exacerbate already stressful mental health conditions. 

Perhaps, we can reach out to people who may not fit within our little groups and as we do so we set an example for our children that everyone is deserving of acceptance. 

Perhaps, as we seek out people who may not fit our little molds or cliques we may find that someone needs us more than we know.

Perhaps, we will be rewarded in ways we can not imagine as that person brings a new perspective to our lives.

Perhaps, we can seek out help for those that need it around us. Perhaps, we can eliminate a tragedy now, or twenty years down the road, as we offer a safety net or encourage acceptance and healthy self-esteem among those in our community.

Perhaps, I am way off base but I see a lot of parallels between bullying and the isolation it causes and the isolation that seems to be present in most, if not all, of the shooters lives.  Perhaps.

My heart goes out to ALL involved in the shooting incident in Tucson, AZ. It is my sincere hope that all with be met with healing and peace.  I hope that those victims still in the hospital, and Gabrielle Giffords, continue to heal physically and will heal emotionally from this tragic, life changing event.

Increased Awareness for bullying or Increased copying

Image via Wikipedia

During 2011 I am hoping to write more. I want to contribute to the dialogue that has started (finally) about bullying and how it affects students and communities.

One of the things I have been thinking about is, does the increased media awareness lend to solutions or does it obscure the real problem by sensationalizing the traumatic stories? Does it lead to an increase in copycat suicides? Does the increased media presence do more harm than good?

I am not sure of the answers and I do know one thing. The increased media awareness still does not direct attention to the fact that bullying begins in early childhood. I am concerned that the attention does little more than focus on those victims that have already lived past the point of tolerance. Children who have survived, and are either taking their lives, or they are old enough to speak out, are at this point the only ones being heard.

My focus has always been on bullying as it begins in early childhood and our response to children who are bullied or are showing the signs of becoming serial bullies.  We do not spend enough time and effort on assisting our children in learning appropriate interpersonal communication techniques at an early age and the result is adolescents who are unable to, or unwilling to, learn new skills.

What do you think the media awareness is doing for the cause of bullying? Has it made it a novel concern? Do you think there is a way to educate people without sensationalizing trauma?

I would love to hear your thoughts and I look forward to the New Year. I hope that you are blessed with love and peace in the New Year.

What would you do?

Friends!

Bullying in kindergarten, and younger, is very real. I have written about the behaviors I saw in my daughter’s 4-K class, and how it prompted me to start this blog. I wish that I was able to write every day because I would be able to share with you the story of Jasmine, on how one child is affecting our lives .

I have written about her before, in my post, First Day of Kindergarten. She is a child in my daughter’s class and her behaviors have brought my daughter, and her friend Vanessa, to tears . The problem is how do we address it as parents?

At lunch, we (Vanessa’s mother and I) notice that the supervision in the cafeteria, and outside for recess, is limited.  Most researchers will say that bullying is at its worst when there is little supervision, and unfortunately this school appears to be no different. The school is currently spending an enormous amount of money on a program designed at improving interaction among peers, and teaching proper interpersonal relationships. The results are yet to be seen, of course, but I believe that if these behaviors begin at home, and if they are acceptable at home, (or childcare or wherever), they will continue to be part of the child’s actions. A few hours of day in school might not change anything.

We have spoken with the teacher who admits she has spoken to the child’s parent, and it is something she must continue to discuss all day with the girl. She seemed overwhelmed, and my concern is that this child is robbing others of their chance at a peaceful education.

Some complaints we hear from our daughters are “She won’t let me play with so and so, She kicked me off the team, She said Vanessa can’t play with me”. The last statement is the most disturbing as my daughter and Vanessa have been friends for years and do many things together outside of school. When we (Vanessa’s mother and I) visit the school we see this child dragging Vanessa around, ordering her to do things, and ultimately controlling her. As much as Vanessa’s mother and I are able, we try to encourage Vanessa, a relatively shy and soft-spoken child, to resist this Jasmine, but it seems futile. We have both spoken to this child (Jasmine) on several occasions, and like most bullies, she appears to be sweet and kind, and ultimately respectful to adults, and she certainly does not realize we are able to see through her façade.

Jasmine has invited both our girls to her birthday party, which happens to be tonight, and uninvited them many times as well. Vanessa’s mother and I are going to take our children and see how the interactions occur in front of Jasmine’s mother, and go ahead from there. Our two girls will have a sleep-over after the party.

Vanessa’s mother and I were so excited when we learned our daughter’s were in the same class, and now we are sad that their experience has been so horrible, because of one child and their actions.

No matter how many times we tell our girls, that they need not play with this child, that they should play with other people and ignore her, that they are strong and they do not deserve to be treated this way, they are simply overwhelmed by her.

We have debated whether they should go to the party (but decided we could see if she acted that way in front of her mother-potentially opening a door to unthreatening communication), we have toyed with the idea of inviting her to joining our Girl Scout Troop (so she can see appropriate interactions), we have spoken to the teacher, and will be addressing the lack of supervision on the playground with the school.
What would you do?

Yesterday another mother heard, and saw me, as I talked with Jasmine about how sad she made me, and my daughter when she is unkind, and how I know she can be nicer to the girls.
The mother said that she liked how I did that, and wondered what was going on because her daughter was experiencing something similar in her class.

As I read the article in The New York Times today entitled 1 Ohio School, 4 Bullied Teens Dead at Own Hand I wonder why do we wait so long to act on these behaviors, and what MORE can we do about it? Shouldn’t we be focusing more on these younger children so these behaviors do not become permanent personality flaws?

Wondering what to look for if your child is being bullied?

Image via Wikipedia

I know I have not been posting as much as I normally do, and for that I apologize. The thing is I have really been enjoying the summer, and time with my kids (for the most part-one can always do without whining and tantrums).

School is starting soon, and I hope to be more proactive in my posts. I haven’t forgotten about the bullies, or even stopped thinking about ways to combat them.  I even feel a bit irresponsible, enjoying my time so much, when I know there are children out there who are afraid. Afraid of their peers, afraid that school is about to start, afraid that their summer vacation ending, means nine months of sadness, depression, fear and angst.

I feel like it is a good time to remind ourselves what it looks like when bullying affects our children, what should we as parents, grandparents, and family members look for?

The following information comes from a site that, I think, offers easy to understand information about bullying and education topics. A person can find a wealth of resources at Education.com by just typing a topic in the search box.

Warning Signs your child is being bullied, and what to do about it:

Warning signs:

 

Possible warning signs that a child is being bullied include:

• Comes home with torn, damaged, or missing pieces of clothing, books, or other belongings
• Has unexplained cuts, bruises, and scratches
• Has few, if any friends, with whom he or she spends time
• Seems afraid of going to school, walking to and from school, riding the school bus, or taking part in organized activities with peers (such as clubs)
• Takes a long, “illogical” route when walking to or from school
• Has lost interest in school work or suddenly begins to do poorly in school
• Appears sad, moody, teary, or depressed when he or she comes home
• Complains frequently of headaches, stomach-ache, or other physical ailments
• Has trouble sleeping or has frequent bad dreams
• Experiences a loss of appetite
• Appears anxious and suffers from low self-esteem

What to do if you suspect that your child is being bullied?

If your child shows any of these signs, this does not necessarily mean that he or she is being bullied, but it is a possibility worth exploring. What should you do? Talk with your child and talk with staff at school to learn more.

1. Talk with your child.

Tell your child that you are concerned and that you’d like to help. Here are some questions that can get the discussion going:

Some direct questions:

• “I’m worried about you. Are there any kids at school who may be picking on you or bullying you?”
• “Are there any kids at school who tease you in a mean way?”
• “Are there any kids at school who leave you out or exclude you on purpose?”

Some subtle questions:

• “Do you have any special friends at school this year? Who are they? Who do you hang out with?”
• “Who do you sit with at lunch and on the bus?”
• “Are there any kids at school who you really don’t like? Why don’t you like them? Do they ever pick on you or leave you out of things?”

The article is available here, goes on to discuss how a parent can speak to educators at their child’s school.

Bullying is not just kids being kids, it is a serious problem, and if it were adults committing the same acts we would not hesitate to call it harassment or abuse. Why do we expect our children to behave like criminals, and allow it?

Perspective and Prejudice.

The other day I took my children to the Wisconsin Veteran’s Museum. It wasn’t out of some patriotic need to see the museum, but rather, it was stifling outside, and the museum is free.

Located on the first floor of a building, directly across the street from the Wisconsin State Capitol, the museum possesses many collections of war memorabilia from various conflicts throughout American history.  I wasn’t sure what we would find, and how I would feel about the experience. I feel it is important for my children to learn about conflict, and the consequences,  so there we were. Standing in front of cannons, tanks, ammunition, and weapons of untold number, I realized how bloody our American past has been. Not that other countries don’t have equally bloody pasts, but I do not live there.

I thought about all the conflicts, and wondered if they were avoidable. I fielded questions from my children about the weapons, and the mannequins with blood on them. I paused as I saw pictures of veterans who had lost their lives from Wisconsin in the current conflict.

I can’t explain how I felt that day accurately, other than I was embarrassed to explain to my children why so many people couldn’t get along. When asked “why did so many people die?”  I couldn’t really answer, because I am not sure that the conflicts required so much violence.   Maybe they did, maybe they didn’t.

As uncomfortable and as somber as the experience made me feel, nothing compared to what happened next.

A family, obviously containing several generations, came into one area of the museum. Standing before me, in front of the exhibits housing Korean, Vietnam and World War II memorabilia, was a family of Asian descent.  I wasn’t sure of their exact origin, and I assumed they were visiting, or first generation citizens, because most of their conversations were in a different dialect. Not being an expert, I couldn’t be sure of which one.

Immediately, I was nervous. I was nervous not because I had some patriotic predisposed anger after viewing the memorabilia, but instead because I was embarrassed.  I was embarrassed, because I did not know what the exhibits would mean to them. I wanted nothing more than to ask them how viewing the exhibits made them feel. I wanted to know how their perception of history differed from mine. I wanted to do nothing more than talk with them.  I wanted to find out what they felt caused the conflict, and what could be done in the future.

Sadly, I was the only one. Several other visitors immediately left the area. There was whispering, and dirty looks.

How can we begin to solve problems if we immediately pass judgement on others? How can we assume that the other visitors were not citizens? How can we assume what they feel?  (Of course I realize that I am assuming that the other visitors left because of the apparent origin of the newest visitors however it would seem that they did try to hide it)

What does this have to do with Kindergarten bullying?

Nothing specifically, other than my children did not show the same distrust or displeasure toward people with differences.  They were not rude or disrespectful. They didn’t feel the need to leave, or whisper. They kept looking at the exhibits as though nothing was amiss, as they should have. It was clear to me that children are not immediately distrustful of their peers.

Do children pass judgement on their peers only because of images and attitudes held by their parents? It would seem so to me. What do you think?

When one word means many things…

Religion. Faith. Patriotic. Peace. Freedom. Independence. Respect. Tolerance. God.

All of these words, when asked, will elicit a different definition from people. Some may become very serious, and deliver an emotional soliloquy . Others, a terse dictionary definition.

Try it sometime. Ask your friends what these words mean to them. Be ready for an argument.  Your definition of these words is likely not the same as those around you.  Even the closest church group will produce different definitions.

Wait a minute. A dictionary definition is the only correct answer.  End of story. Right?

Wrong. We are all different. All these words, and many others, mean different things to each of us. Often, words like these will produce heartfelt, serious, emotionally charged definitions.

How then can we seek to meet in the middle, if we can’t even agree on simple words? 

There is no simple answer, other than we must. We must realize that we each offer a different perspective. If simple words produce different meanings, certainly, other things must too.

Our definition is not right, or wrong, just different.

Celebration of risks taken

Today is a big day around our house. We have planned all summer for this event and now it is here.  Food is ordered, about to be cooked. Bounce house on the way. Check. Tent, Cotton Candy Machine. Check.

Sounds like a circus, right? Sometimes it is, but it is the best little circus a person could imagine, and we call it home.

You may remember I wrote about my wonderful neighbors, I talked about our great community. I can’t help but share with everyone I know, how wonderful it is to live where we do.

Today we get to share with each other, today we get to share with the neighbors that we haven’t really gotten to know quite yet.

Today we are having a Community Cookout. Dishes are being passed. We are all chipping in for a bounce house, cotton candy, and a large tent. One neighbor, Miss Bunny, has generously provided the children with a Balloon Guy, to entertain and delight with twisted balloon animals, hats, swords, and other latex friends.

Today we get to celebrate the work we put in all year-long.
Work? Work you say? Living somewhere takes work?
Absolutely! It is certainly easier for any of us to stick to ourselves, to find peace and comfort in our own homes, to not take time to meet, and know, our neighbors.
Easier. But not better. I have been blessed by the people I have met. Each person, different from the next, has made my life better by just being them.
Today I get to thank them for making my life better. Today, I might get to meet new people. Today, I get to celebrate the diversity, and difference, and circus that my life sometimes is.

Did I mention that the residents aren’t the only people who find community valuable, but that the complex owner, who owns a considerable amount of properties finds our community valuable too? He let us dig up his yard to make a garden, bought us rain barrels, picnic tables, and is now supplying a bulk of the food and supplies for our party.
We are truly blessed here. It didn’t just happen. We didn’t get this wonderful community without work, tears, laughter, and smiles.
We made it happen. You can too. Take the time to talk to people. Introduce yourself, several times, if need be. Help with groceries. Find out what people do. Learn about their lives. Be a friend. You’ll be glad you did.
We are. Today we celebrate the risks we have taken, and today we reap more of the rewards.

Today, I hope you are blessed by those around you. Today, I hope that you take risks. The rewards are far greater that you can imagine.

How do we teach our children acceptance?

There is, of course, no easy answer. It is hard to accept difference. We easily become set in our ways and often find ourselves seeking out those with whom we share similar interests and beliefs.

The fact of the matter is if we seek to surround ourselves with sameness, if we are afraid of difference, if we believe that those who are different have nothing to offer, so will our children.

I have said before that parenting is a teaching experience, and you may wonder what I mean by that. For me parenting is not about being my child’s best friend, though I do want them to feel comfortable confiding in me, trusting me, and enjoying my company. For me, it is about allowing them the opportunity to make choices and mistakes. For me, it is about assisting them as they set out on a journey called life, and it’s about giving them tools to help along the way. Sometimes, it means they will fail. Sometimes, it means there will be tears. Sometimes, I will not like their choices. 

Andrea Patten, author of What Kids Need to Succeed says it best. “We are not raising children, but future adults. “

Woa! Wait a minute, what do you mean we are not raising children. It means that if we are rasing children, they will always be children. We know that is not the case. Someday they will leave the comfort, and security, and confines of our homes. What it means is, we must give them the skills to grow into successful adults.

What does that mean when it comes to acceptance?

Everyone knows that the teenage years are often filled with rebellion. Teenagers often seek out the extreme opposite of what they see much of their life. Why not expose them to many people, cultures, and lives, so that they can make their own choices without pulling away?

The fact is that if children see diversity, without judgement or disrespect, they will not only learn to treat everyone with respect they might not seek the extreme when the time comes. It is possible to expose children to difference, and say “while I don’t necessarily chose that path for myself, it is that person’s choice to live as they do, it does not make them any less human or less deserving of respect”.  If we actively seek diversity for our children; if we share opportunities for new people, cultures and friendships, they will not only learn, by example , that all people are to be respected, we might just make some new friends along the way.

 We all want what is best for our children. We all hope they make choices that match our beliefs . Sometimes we try so hard to shelter and protect them that the minute they are able to make some choices for themselves, they fight back, and we wonder where we have gone wrong.

Isn’t it better to show them acceptance, tolerance, and loving attitudes from the start?

Focus on Forgiveness

Imagine this. Your child is playing nicely by himself. Sitting in the sandbox, digging a hole, filling it and digging  it again.  Suddenly, a neighborhood boy,  you have had problems with him in the past, comes over and shoves your child, stealing the shovel.  Screaming, your child looks to you for help.

Immediately you are angry. After all, your child was sitting there minding his own business. Where is his mother? You see her. She is sitting there talking with another mother, and never saw the incident. She is always talking. Never paying attention. How can she not see her son’s aggression? 

Seeing her,  makes you more furious.

What could you do with this situation?

You could

a) Go over to your child and comfort him, say that child is just a bully, don’t pay them any attention.

b) Go over to both children and say that wasn’t very nice. Suggest that your child offer the other boy the extra shovel and perhaps they can play together.

c) Storm over to the other mother and tell her how tired you are of watching her child bully others and all she does is sit and talk.

d) Go over to the other mother, introduce yourself, say you have seen her around and your sons are in the middle of a squabble, could she help?

e) Go over to the other mother, tell her she is a moron, you are tired of watching her child rule the playground.  She is a horrible mother and when is she going to wake up to the fact that her 3 (or 4 or 5 or 6 yr old, etc. ) is a bully.

f) You could go over to your child and tell him the next time that bully takes his shovel, he should shove him back. That ought to teach him, and your child would learn to stand up for himself.

g) You could sit down with both children and talk to them, be an example and offer both of them suggestions on how they could have handled it differently. The mother may or may not see you and may introduce herself. She may explain she is sorry there was a problem but she tries to let her son learn things through trial and error, she likes to let him explore, and she is glad your son told him that he didn’t like the behavior.   You realize you both have different parenting ideas, part of you wishes you could be a little less stressed like her, but part of you is angry she doesn’t parent (as you see it).

h) You could go over to your child, remove him from the situation, and say that the other child is just mean and that ultimately they will get their own punishment for being mean.

i) You could remove your child, take him home and show him a book or a video like the one that follows that explains retribution, and divine retaliation. 

This morning on YouTube I saw this video and it made me think about the culture we live in. What are we teaching our children? While I understand the ‘moral’ of the video is that mean children will get what is coming to them, so don’t be mean, I wonder what else it is really saying.

Why don’t you watch and tell me what you think? What option would you choose? What would come of the option you choose? What can we as parents, and bystanders do to create positive relationships with our children, their peers, and their parents? Can we be part of a better example?