What will it take?

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Ok. So I don’t get to write as often as I like. I am swamped this semester, again, and although I think about the topic of bullying and how we treat each other often, I don’t get to share it here. I suppose that makes me no better than many other people who say, “It’s not my problem.”  I hope not, but I can’t help but think that I should be doing more.

This morning I went to church with my family. A church I like quite a lot because I belive they really do preach acceptance.  This morning, at our Family Service, the message of acceptance was shared loud and clear.

The Family Service is designed, as far as I  can tell, to make church an experience that children want to be involved in.  We have all seen the child sitting in the pews, eyes glazed over, wishing more than anything they were somewhere else.  Plenty of parents too. It isn’t like that at our church. The Family service is shortened to about a half an hour. Perfect for young children and their short attention spans. The content and sharing of Scripture is put in a context they can understand. There are often puppet shows,  and actors (often our pastors) dressed in costume sharing stories from the Bible in ways that children can relate to.  If that didn’t engage the children, they are often asked to sing, play instruments and share in the message in various ways.   The youth of our church really want to be there and youth activities always seem to be well attended. 

Today the message was for children and parents. In the process of sharing about the Ten Commandments, Pastor Scott took the time to talk about bullying.  He shared how important it is for peers to treat each other well and “sticks and stones really do hurt”. I couldn’t have been prouder when he took the time to discuss such an important problem.

It really is going to take everyone, and churches are a great place to start.  When community leaders take the time to say the problem needs attention, people begin to shift their focus. Oftentimes , bullying is looked at just kids being kids. Something that doesn’t really deserve a lot of attention. The time for that is passed, bullying is an epidemic.  From politics, to playgrounds, we must begin to treat our fellow humans better. Treat those as you would like to be treated shouldn’t be lip service, but a real way of life.

Thank you Pastor’s Scott and Paula for sharing the word.

Being Thankful.

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For some people, Christmas is nearly here. Boxes, wrappings, and bows will clutter many homes, and are certain to clutter nearby landfills. (PLEASE recycle everything possible)
Families will get together and memories will be made.

In the United States there is a lot of time spent on the 25th of November ruminating about  things we are thankful for. For me, it seems like that being thankful should be a daily thing, no matter what religion you are or where you come from.  

I haven’t written in a long time because I was working hard in school. It was my last fall semester and I am very dedicated to my studies. I am thankful that I have a wonderful husband and children who allow and aid me in going to school by being tolerant of the hours and hours I spend on projects or studying. (Not to mention I have the most fantastic husband and children!)

Bad things can happen to anyone, at any time. We have no concept what tomorrow holds and life can change in the blink of an eye. It is important to tell the people that we care about how much we appreciate them, everyday.

Life gets busy and we get cranky and say things we don’t mean. Sometimes we don’t realize that our loved ones are going through a difficult spot. Maybe, they don’t want to worry us. Maybe, they don’t want to think about their problems. Maybe, they are too proud to share the pain they are feeling.

I write this thinking about all of those children who are on Christmas Holiday from school. Right now, their lives may be normal. Hopefully they have wonderful families and have a reprieve from studying and school work. Some children are grateful to have time away from school for other reasons. For some children, each day spent at school may be a torturous time, as they suffer abuse from their peers.

Please take this time with your families to be thankful. And if you have children off from school on break, take this time to be close and find out what their experience is. Find out if they miss their friends, or they are grateful to be away from school. Watch as the day they return to school gets closer, and watch for signs they are anxious about it.

This is a perfect time to assess your child’s well being, and a perfect time to reassure them they are loved.

In 2010 far too many children ended their lives thinking they were unloved, or they had no solutions to their problems. In the blink of an eye they were gone. If we all take this holiday time to appreciate those we love, maybe we will help someone through a rough time, maybe they will realize there are solutions, maybe they will realize that life is worth living.

Happy Holidays everyone. It doesn’t matter which one we celebrate, or if we celebrate any all.  Take this time to celebrate life and family.

My Child a Bully? Part 1 – By Annie Fox

Some of you know who Annie Fox is, if you don’t and have kids, you really must. She is an author, educator, and has amazing insight into the lives of teens. 

The following is part 1 of a 2 part post that she agreed to share – I hope that you will enjoy it and will take the time to check out her blog at http://anniefox.com  . There, you can find out more about her books, her podcasts, or her new Middle School book Series Middle School Confidential.  

This won’t be an easy read. But if the title pulled you in, you may already have some suspicions (or hard evidence) that your kid engages in mean-spirited behavior that hurts others. No parent wants to admit their kid is a bully, but according to a recent U.S. Department of Justice study, 77% of students nation-wide reported having been bullied, verbally, mentally or physically, in school in the past month. Lots of tormentors. Each one is somebody’s child. Would you know if (s)he was yours? 

Hints that your child may be a bully: 

1. You or your partner is a bully. The family is Ground Zero for learning about emotional responses and relationships. If a parent consistently yells or uses verbal threats, emotional blackmail or physical violence to manipulate family members, that’s what the child learns. And that learned aggression is likely to come to school with him/her. If you’re a bully it may be difficult for you to see it. If you’re wondering, ask your partner or your child “Do you think I’m a bully?” Hopefully they’re not too afraid to tell you the truth. 

2. Your child is bossy at home. Is she demanding? Do things have to be her way or she throws a fit? Curses at you? Threatens? Gives you the silent treatment? Refuses to cooperate? Takes it out on siblings? If you made a short list of adjectives describing your child would you paint a portrait of someone you admire? If you admit she’s self-centered, controlling, insensitive at home, why assume she’s consistently caring and supportive at school? 

3. Your child’s close friends are not the nicest people. You may not trust them without knowing why. Or you may have good reasons not to respect the choices these kids make.  If so, talk to your child (calmly and respectfully) about these friends. This isn’t about labeling or demonizing. And it’s surely not about getting into a power struggle with your child about who she can and can’t be friends with. This is about understanding your child. Be compassionately curious about his friendships and he’s likely to open up.  Your intent is to find out what your child likes about his friends and which ones, if any, your child may not be 100% comfortable with. 

4. Your child makes rude comments about other kids. Tune in to conversations between your child and her friends. What kind of language do they use to describe other kids? How often do you overhear gossip, a rude put-down, or a “joke” being made at someone else’s expense? 

Ask your child to tell you about the social hierarchy in her grade. Kids often like to display their expertise and you’ll be surprised at how detailed they get about who’s “in” and who is so not. Some kids will literally draw you a picture of the school’s social landscape! Listen closely as your child describes the kids who aren’t popular. Or the ones who are. Do you hear derogatory language? (“He’s such a loser.” “She’s such an ugly bitch.” ”Fat!” “Retard!” “Whore.”) If your kid freely talks this way in your presence, there are no barriers to the hurtful words (s)he’ll say, text or post when you’re not around. 

Parents of tweens and teens assume that their days of influencing their children are over. Not so! While it’s a fact that friends’ opinions are important, so are yours. You still have tremendous influence on your child’s values and behavior, and you always will. Even after your kids are grown with kids of their own. 

If you are aware that your child is a bully or leaning in that direction, it’s up to you to provide a course correction. When each parent does their job… bullying problem solved 

Annie Fox, M.Ed. is an award winning author, educator, and online adviser for parents and teens since 1997. http://anniefox.com  Her books for tweens & teens include; Too Stressed to Think? And the new Middle School Confidential™ series.  

Listen to her podcast series “Family Confidential: Secrets of Successful Parenting”    

Thanks to Annie Fox for sharing her words with us here!

Kindergarten Open House

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It is scary meeting new teachers, seeing the school, and learning where everything is. Scary, not only, for my very brave almost six-year-old but scary for me. She seems to have it well in hand, even if she is a little shy about it. And not actually shy, she is more a watcher. She watches to see where everything goes, how everyone interacts, and what is required of her, before she jumps in. Understandable.  

Nope ,she is not the one who is nervous, really. It is me. I am a little scared of the other parents. Maybe, it is because I have read Queen Bee Moms and King Pin Dads, Rosalind Wiseman. Maybe, I am nervous because of what I went through in kindergarten, and I am nervous for her.  Maybe I am nervous because people really scare me. 

You wouldn’t guess it, and no one usually does, but people, pretty much terrify me. Mostly, because I know how mean and petty they are, passing judgements, sizing up clothes and appearance, determining a persons worth through their attire.  I never let on though, not at first. I talk to everyone, and I mean everyone. I have been accused of being overly social and overly friendly.  Maybe that is true. But the truth is, that I just really want to meet people, and enjoy their differences, even if I am terrified they will not respond in kind. Plus, the truth is I just don’t know how to act around people, and I get scared, and my mouth seems to go on hyper-drive. People probably hate it. It doesn’t mean I am any less genuine, it just means I don’t really know what to say, and all I want to do is know everyone!  

My daughter didn’t seem terrified. Her teacher is kind, and she already knows a lot of kids at the school, because of the wonderful community we live in, and her preschool experiences.  Kids kept saying “Hi” and waving, “good to see you”, so she didn’t seem worried. If she was she didn’t show it and she didn’t mention it when we talked about her impression of the new school.  

Instead, I was worried. Worried about how her experience will be, and worried about my experience with other parents.  Kindergarten Open House is stressful, I think.    

 Today we have a short conference with her teacher, to learn a little more about her time in class. She is excited and can’t wait for the first day. The conference is just prolonging her anticipation.  

For me, it means she gets two more days to be a little girl.  And I don’t have to worry about my experience as a parent for awhile.  

Anti-Bullying Promotes Homosexuality?

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Seriously? 

 Focus on the Family, a conservative Christian group has announced that they think anti-bullying messages are being “hijacked’ by gay activists, according to an article available on the Summit Daily News website.

 A student does not have to be homosexual to be identified by his peers as homosexual, and the fact is students who are identified as homosexual by their peers are more likely to be harassed.  It really doesn’t matter to people whether a person is homosexual or not.

It should not matter whether a person is homosexual or not, no one deserves to be abused. As a result, I do not think anti-bullying messages should focus on accepting one group more than another. They should focus on accepting differences. Period. We should teach our children that whether or not we agree with the choices our  peers make, they deserve the same amount of respect.

Respect should not be conditional.  If we all stopped worrying about petty little differences, we could see that we are just parents trying to raise our kids in a way that we believe is right. We do not have to agree with the choices that others make, but that does not make them deserve any less respect. 

No one wants their child to be bullied.  We all want them to learn.  We want them to be successful. 

Don’t we want them to be a good person? I think we do. Let us FOCUS on RESPECT.  In our schools, and in our families.

Celebration of risks taken

Today is a big day around our house. We have planned all summer for this event and now it is here.  Food is ordered, about to be cooked. Bounce house on the way. Check. Tent, Cotton Candy Machine. Check.

Sounds like a circus, right? Sometimes it is, but it is the best little circus a person could imagine, and we call it home.

You may remember I wrote about my wonderful neighbors, I talked about our great community. I can’t help but share with everyone I know, how wonderful it is to live where we do.

Today we get to share with each other, today we get to share with the neighbors that we haven’t really gotten to know quite yet.

Today we are having a Community Cookout. Dishes are being passed. We are all chipping in for a bounce house, cotton candy, and a large tent. One neighbor, Miss Bunny, has generously provided the children with a Balloon Guy, to entertain and delight with twisted balloon animals, hats, swords, and other latex friends.

Today we get to celebrate the work we put in all year-long.
Work? Work you say? Living somewhere takes work?
Absolutely! It is certainly easier for any of us to stick to ourselves, to find peace and comfort in our own homes, to not take time to meet, and know, our neighbors.
Easier. But not better. I have been blessed by the people I have met. Each person, different from the next, has made my life better by just being them.
Today I get to thank them for making my life better. Today, I might get to meet new people. Today, I get to celebrate the diversity, and difference, and circus that my life sometimes is.

Did I mention that the residents aren’t the only people who find community valuable, but that the complex owner, who owns a considerable amount of properties finds our community valuable too? He let us dig up his yard to make a garden, bought us rain barrels, picnic tables, and is now supplying a bulk of the food and supplies for our party.
We are truly blessed here. It didn’t just happen. We didn’t get this wonderful community without work, tears, laughter, and smiles.
We made it happen. You can too. Take the time to talk to people. Introduce yourself, several times, if need be. Help with groceries. Find out what people do. Learn about their lives. Be a friend. You’ll be glad you did.
We are. Today we celebrate the risks we have taken, and today we reap more of the rewards.

Today, I hope you are blessed by those around you. Today, I hope that you take risks. The rewards are far greater that you can imagine.

How do we teach our children acceptance?

There is, of course, no easy answer. It is hard to accept difference. We easily become set in our ways and often find ourselves seeking out those with whom we share similar interests and beliefs.

The fact of the matter is if we seek to surround ourselves with sameness, if we are afraid of difference, if we believe that those who are different have nothing to offer, so will our children.

I have said before that parenting is a teaching experience, and you may wonder what I mean by that. For me parenting is not about being my child’s best friend, though I do want them to feel comfortable confiding in me, trusting me, and enjoying my company. For me, it is about allowing them the opportunity to make choices and mistakes. For me, it is about assisting them as they set out on a journey called life, and it’s about giving them tools to help along the way. Sometimes, it means they will fail. Sometimes, it means there will be tears. Sometimes, I will not like their choices. 

Andrea Patten, author of What Kids Need to Succeed says it best. “We are not raising children, but future adults. “

Woa! Wait a minute, what do you mean we are not raising children. It means that if we are rasing children, they will always be children. We know that is not the case. Someday they will leave the comfort, and security, and confines of our homes. What it means is, we must give them the skills to grow into successful adults.

What does that mean when it comes to acceptance?

Everyone knows that the teenage years are often filled with rebellion. Teenagers often seek out the extreme opposite of what they see much of their life. Why not expose them to many people, cultures, and lives, so that they can make their own choices without pulling away?

The fact is that if children see diversity, without judgement or disrespect, they will not only learn to treat everyone with respect they might not seek the extreme when the time comes. It is possible to expose children to difference, and say “while I don’t necessarily chose that path for myself, it is that person’s choice to live as they do, it does not make them any less human or less deserving of respect”.  If we actively seek diversity for our children; if we share opportunities for new people, cultures and friendships, they will not only learn, by example , that all people are to be respected, we might just make some new friends along the way.

 We all want what is best for our children. We all hope they make choices that match our beliefs . Sometimes we try so hard to shelter and protect them that the minute they are able to make some choices for themselves, they fight back, and we wonder where we have gone wrong.

Isn’t it better to show them acceptance, tolerance, and loving attitudes from the start?

How can we stop bullying?

Yesterday I wrote about the lessons your child will learn in school this year. I wrote about trying to make sure the lessons they learn include how they treat others. I don’t write these things because I presume that I am perfect at interpersonal relations, far from it in fact.

Growing up, I was picked on something fierce. I was sensitive, and often worried about what others thought, still do in fact. I had some close friends but I was always unsure what people were looking for. All I really wanted was for everyone to get along. I am still that way. I still think that each person, no matter how different has something to offer the world.

Many people who know me would say I am loud, sometimes abrasive, opinionated, passionate, vocal, unfiltered, brash, and I am sure many more adjectives would come to mind.

The truth is I am probably all of those things, but I am also sensitive, caring, forgiving, generous, and much more.

The point I am trying to make here is that we are all different. We all have qualities that others may not like from time to time. We make choices that others do not like and none of us is perfect.  

Many people wonder how can we stop bullying. Should we start programs, make laws, or start a list of offenders?   Maybe all these things, I suppose. In reality I don’t think that any of these things will work on their own.

What I do think will work is for all of us to accept a little humility. To realize that none of us is perfect. To understand that to stop bullying we must look within ourselves.

Each day we make mistakes, each day we are not perfect, each day we must start anew and work toward developing better relationships with the people around us. We must reach out to people whom we may not easily identify. We must look to make connections with people who are different from us and we must all serve as an example.

The first step to stopping bullying is to understand that old saying about living in glass houses, and casting stones.  We must try harder, be better, and try and try again to” be the change you want to see in the world” (Gandhi).  (If you are not a fan of Gandhi, there are many other similar quotes that mean the same thing- insert your own favorite here or feel free to share yours)

I know I am not perfect, are you?

What is the most important lesson your child will learn this school year?

My daughter will enter Kindergarten this year.  As I gear up for the dreaded school clothes shopping ( I know some people like shopping but I am not one of them) I think about what she might learn this year. Will she learn how to read better? Will she start chapter books? How much math is part of the curriculum?

All of these things are important but she could learn other things too. She could learn how to pick on the new kid. She could learn what it feels like to be excluded. She could learn how to call names, and exclude others. She could learn that differences are to be feared. 

All of these things are topics we discuss at home but peers are pretty powerful things in a child’s life.  A parent can spend hours, days, and a lifetime teaching and telling a child how they want them to live; but faced with being picked on or excluded themselves they may choose differently than we would like.

How do we counteract the pressure and examples others set for our child? 

Telling a child to treat their peers with respect means little if we do not do the same. If we choose media and entertainment that offers examples of catty, disrespectful behavior, that example is likely more powerful than the words we share.

Another important way to make sure your young child treats peers with respect is to invite other children to activities in your home, or a park, or a public place of your choosing.

1.Be sure to invite all the children in your child’s class.

2.Try to make sure it is an activity that all parents can afford.

3. Invite the parents, and develop relationships with them.

4. Take time to develop an activities network and take turns with other parents. 

5.  ALWAYS  Treat all parents with respect and do not speak ill of them when not in their presence (especially in front of your children or others).

6.  Be Proactive! Create a community for your child and their peers, include parents, and develop relationship.

I know that many parents work odd hours, different shifts, many are shy, and many have financial challenges.  There are many activities that are inexpensive or free.

Some suggestions:

1.Sack races with pillow cases at a park.

2. Trips to Nursing Homes, or Elder Care Centers.

3. Trips to Animal Shelters.

4. Trips to the Fire Station, Police Station, A local Bakery.

5. Craft day in the park. (Make cards or projects for nursing homes)

6.  A toy drive for those less fortunate.

7. Roller skating, or biking in the park.

8. Garbage pick up in the park.

9.  Softball, Volleyball, Soccer, etc.

10. Sledding in the winter.

These activities can be planned with little effort. Email, phone or Facebook, all the parents in the class. Send a note home with the students. Give a date and time and allow those that are able to come to meet there.  Not all children and parents will come every time, and it may take a few times to get a response but people will want to share in the fun you are having.

Children love group activities and it is up to us to create community and appropriate examples for children.

Are there any other activities or ideas you could share?

How do you thank an entire community?

Awhile back I wrote an open thank you to my neighbors.
I wanted to thank them for everything they do for us. Not just the definable ways, like watching my kids when I run to the store, or giving me a few minutes when I feel overwhelmed, or sharing recipes, or meals, or group outings, or any number of the ways a person can physically count the benefits because, to me, they are so much more. I wanted to thank them for the ways they enrich our lives.

It is not only the neighbors that deserve a thank you. It is the property owners too. They have allowed us to tear up their land and plant a garden, they donated rain barrels, and have bought picnic tables for the Commons. Pretty generous, for a large corporation that owns many properties and no doubt worries about profit.

That is not all. We are planning a community party to celebrate our garden, summer, friendships, new neighbors, children, and anything else we can think of.  We asked the property owner if they would pitch and not really expecting they would.  To our surprise and delight, they agreed to help. Guess what they are supplying?  All of the hamburgers, all the hot dogs, all the chips, and soda, plates, and napkins even. All of it.  Do you believe it? Pretty amazing huh? All we are supplying is “passed dishes” and the “neighborhood” is renting a bounce house, a cotton candy machine, and a Balloon guy to entertain the kids.  The property owners are paying for much of the bill.

We contacted the paper to do a story about our community and how grateful we are to the property owners.

The thing is, how can one really measure the benefits? Is it really possible to measure the friendships developed here? Can you quantify the lessons being learned by our children?  Can you put a number on memories?  What about the other things being learned like how to garden, or how to get along with people vastly different from you, or how to be an example to others, or how to be more assertive, or how to listen better, or how to be a better friend, or how to live alone, or how to make pickles, or bread?

All of these things are happening here. Would they happen without the property owner’s generosity? Maybe, maybe not. It will be interesting to see if our community party, where everyone is invited, (plus  free food), will encourage other people to venture out and take a chance. 

Of course it is risky, people might know you a little more. They might, but to me, it seems like the benefits outweigh the risks tenfold. 

How well do you know your neighbors?