50 Blog Posts Every Teacher Should Read

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I am proud to say that this blog has a place on a special list. 50 Blog Posts Every Teacher Should Read is a list produced by Michael Erins on his site Masters in Education.

The post, What can forgiveness do for you?, written July 31 2010, about Phoebe’s father’s wish to forgive the children involved in her suicide, was in response to the Phoebe Prince case, and in part, a post written earlier that day.

Thank you Mr. Erins for your dedication to teachers and for researching the 50 most important sites. I applaud your efforts.

As many of you know bullying is a crisis I care deeply about, despite my inability at this time to post as often as I would like.  I applaud efforts by educators to find new ways to deal with this age-old problem.

I mentioned awhile back I had spoken with my daughter’s principal about the lack of supervision on the playgrounds at her school. Two school days after that conversation the principal di send out an email to parents requesting volunteer supervision on the playground. It was a welcome email and when I returned to the school the following Friday there was a noticeable increase in parents choosing to attend lunch with their children. Recess seemed a little less chaotic and it is my opinion that adult presence simply reminds children of the rules even if the rules are unspoken. Kudos, to her principal!

Perhaps you can spend some time at recess with your children and help create a more visible adult presence. Children really enjoy it, and I am sure you will too.

Most bullying in schools occurs during unsupervised times like recess, class transitions, and bathroom breaks. Children cannot be watched every second of every day but if  more adults are present during recess perhaps the likelihood of bullying behavior will drop.

Isn’t it worth a try?

I hope you are having a wonderful week and I hope to have opportunity to write again soon. In the mean time please explore some of the helpful links I have provided on this site.

~Beth

Lunch Time

Sitting down for lunch at my daughter‘s school in a cafeteria with hundreds of children and a table full of kindergarten children is always interesting. The noise level is deafening, and entertainment is never missing.

Kindergarteners, especially,  are always seeking out attention and love to have adults eat with them. Each time I go the children tell me stories and are genuinely happy to see me. Walking the halls after lunch or recess I am continuously approached by children. Many are neighbors, but some are children I have met during the course of eating with my daughter. They stop me after school when I pick her up and tell me about their days.

It is a truly enjoyable experience.  I recommend trying it some time. Ask if you can eat lunch with your child, and I promise your child will be so happy, it will be worth the possible need for a hearing check after lunch.

Yesterday, I went to eat lunch with my daughter and two of my friends (they’re my neighbors too) were there. It was a great time and  wonderful  to see our community extends inside the school, and as children get to know us, it grows. What a wonderful feeling to know these children are happy to see you!

After lunch, my friend and I asked if we could have an appointment with the principal. We had concerns because only one, (really amazing and super efficient but really overworked) woman supervises the lunch recess for about eighty children (give or take) (with an occasional helper).

When my daughter comes home from school complaining about things it is usually recess that is the issue. Most if us know that bullying and other problems occur when there is limited supervision, namely recess or in the halls.  I have been to lunch several times and have seen several problems, yesterday was no different. As super-woman was busy, two boys sat atop their class mate pummeling him. I walked over there and they started to scatter. It turns out the dispute was over Silly Bands (have you seen these things?). When asked if they could have made better choices, the attacker and his side-kick started to cry and plead the injustice of theft.

I had seen enough. I had planned on talking to the Principal about the superwoman’s inability to be everywhere at once, even though she really does an amazing job. I wanted to explain to him how I feel bullying behaviors begin in Kindergarten, and before, and many of these children have never really had opportunity to be social, and to leave them with so little supervision (reinforcing behaviors that are naturally aggressive) is a recipe for disaster. I understand budget problems, but this was ridiculous.

Fortunately, the principal has a very open policy and saw us right away and agreed something could be done, but there is no funding. I suggested, since my friend and I are usually there one day a week, isn’t is possible there are some parents who do not know they can have lunch with their kids or might volunteer a lunch period to hang out for recess.

He agreed and said that an email would be forthcoming. In the mean time I will be going for lunch once a week anyway, having fun with my daughter, meeting her classmates, and loving that I get to be a part of her life in this way.

First Day of Kindergarten

Lunch was packed; grapes, cheese sticks, homemade (from a box-but not pre-packaged) pudding,  pretzel nibblers, lovey note from Mommy. CHECK. Bookbag, water bottle, milk money. CHECK.

  She was not as nervous as I thought she would be, and neither was I. The rain held off. The walk to school with our friends, and neighbors, was delightful.  A beautiful day all around.

Then it happened. Not to my daughter, but to the lovely little girl she has become friends with; we all have become friends with.  Vanessa, (not her real name) got glasses over the summer. Beautiful purple, and sparkly glasses. They look as though they belong on her face.  Under the flagpole, waiting for school to start, Vanessa’s friend from pre-school approaches. Vanessa is visibly nervous. Maybe about school. Maybe about the glasses.

Jasmine: (Also,not her real name): “What happened to your eyes?”.  Vanessa hesitates.  I answer, “Aren’t her glasses pretty, she just got them over the summer?”  “Don’t they look nice on her?”

Jasmine: “UGH“,  with a frightened, disgusted look, hides behind her mother. Seconds later, she returns, “Why don’t you take them off? Why are you wearing them?”

At this point I am not sure what to do, Vanessa is clearly distraught, and I know from her mother she is not happy about having to wear the glasses. I step back, leaving the girls to themselves, I tell Vanessa’s mother about the incident as she talks to another mother.  

I am heartbroken for Vanessa. I can’t imagine how it has made her feel, especially since she is so visibly shaken by the overall experience of attending her first day of school, the glasses may have been the icing on the cake.

Luckily, Vanessa is resilient and strong, smart and determined, she will be alright, no doubt.

I was wondering, what would you do in that situation? How would you address it? Do you let the girls feel the situation out? Do you help Jasmine understand, even if she is not your child? 

I quickly reminded Vanessa how fantastic she looked, as we all have been, since she got the glasses. Did it sink in? Does her fear prevent any compliments from sinking in?

 I do think that it is acceptable for Jasmine to be curious, but it is important for the behavior to be addressed somehow. If not, and it is brushed off as “normal”, behaviors like this are bound to continue and insensitivity can easily be come something much more harmful. At least in my opinion.  What do you think?

Anti-Bullying Promotes Homosexuality?

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Seriously? 

 Focus on the Family, a conservative Christian group has announced that they think anti-bullying messages are being “hijacked’ by gay activists, according to an article available on the Summit Daily News website.

 A student does not have to be homosexual to be identified by his peers as homosexual, and the fact is students who are identified as homosexual by their peers are more likely to be harassed.  It really doesn’t matter to people whether a person is homosexual or not.

It should not matter whether a person is homosexual or not, no one deserves to be abused. As a result, I do not think anti-bullying messages should focus on accepting one group more than another. They should focus on accepting differences. Period. We should teach our children that whether or not we agree with the choices our  peers make, they deserve the same amount of respect.

Respect should not be conditional.  If we all stopped worrying about petty little differences, we could see that we are just parents trying to raise our kids in a way that we believe is right. We do not have to agree with the choices that others make, but that does not make them deserve any less respect. 

No one wants their child to be bullied.  We all want them to learn.  We want them to be successful. 

Don’t we want them to be a good person? I think we do. Let us FOCUS on RESPECT.  In our schools, and in our families.

Kindergarten Preparation

Do you have a child entering Kindergarten in a few weeks? I do. As I compile all the necessary accoutrements for learning, I wonder about all the things she will learn this year.  Surely she will learn to read better, maybe do some math, a bit of science, perhaps.  I would like to say I am spending many moments waxing poetic about her experience; instead  I worry. Worry, she will lose some innocence. Worry, she will learn the “real world’ ways, and it will scar her sensitive heart. Just as it did mine.

When I entered school, I had no idea people, or kids, were unkind to each other. At least, I don’t recall that I did.  I had never been in day care, never around a lot of  kids.  I went to school, and I recall being terrified.  I had good reason to be, because it wasn’t long before my first bully, a girl, crushed my spirit. 

I seriously believed, and I guess I still do (so in that respect she failed) that people are supposed to be  kind.   At that point, I believed they actually were.  Boy, was I wrong. I was wrong, and it hurt. It was confusing.

I know that my daughter is not so naïve. We placed her in pre-school just so she would be around other kids. Just so she would be social.  She lost that innocence early, because she has already had a bully. A boy, from 2 years ago, whom she refers to occasionally with frustration and irritation. A boy she used to be afraid of, who has now taken the place of a fact of life- some people are just not nice, some people have their own problems, some people might not have a good home life.

I know she has already had that lesson. I worry it will be worse. I worry she will come home insisting she needs this thing or that thing, because all the girls do. (Knowing what that really means) I worry she will awaken with mysterious illnesses that suddenly disappear after 9am .

We talk about confidence. We talk about how she should not measure her self-worth based on others. We talk about her ability to overcome. We challenge her and hope she knows how strong she really is. We listen, and we try to do all the ‘right’ things.  We talk about these things, but still I worry.  After all, I have written about young children attempting and succeeding suicide. I know how horrible it can be.

Do you worry about your Kindergartener facing bullies? Are you more worried about other things? What do you worry about most? How do you prepare your child for their Kindergarten experience?

Are you ready for your kids to start school?

Today is July 22, 2010 (unless of course you pass the International Date Line.) School is a little over a month away for many places (unless of course you have a year round program or start earlier.) 

No matter what your situation, it is important to ask if, you, the parents, are ready for the upcoming challenges. Aside from books, tests, and homework, that are all important, there is interpersonal relations.

Getting along.  Seems simple enough. Just get along, right?  A lot of times we don’t tell them how to get along. If we do, the advice sounds something like this ” Sticks and stones”, “Just ignore it”, “walk away”, fight back”. Surely you have heard them all, perhaps even said them yourself.  The reality is, these responses have a tendency to produce unwanted attention from kids.

I am not sure what the research says, I am only sure about my experience, and that of many children I have spoken to. Antiquated responses do not work, they only serve to victimize someone further.

What does work? I’ll tell you what I tell my kids, and for the most part it seems to be working.

“I don’t like it when you do this, it makes me feel this,”  or “I am sorry you feel that way, it really hurts my feelings and ….”.

In the past we have encouraged children to run, ignore, or become aggressive. The belief is that bullies target weakness, and this is in part true.  We need to reconsider what we define as weakness. It is not weakness to stand face to face with a bully and say how we are feeling. Yes, we may open ourselves up for another potential attack, but when faced with the same confident response time after time, it is hard for a bully to continue, especially in front of witnesses.

I think it is also powerful to acknowledge the bullies pain. “I am sorry you are hurting, and your angry, I didn’t intend for that to happen, perhaps someday we could be friends?”.

I know it all seems so sweet and easy, but it is difficult to be mean to someone genuinely being nice to you. A person, empowered enough, to name their feelings, calmly state them, and encourage a response is not likely an easy target. Not only does the attacker begin to realize the ‘victims’ disinterest in participating in the abuse, a ‘victim’ ceases to be a victim by finding it within themselves to say “I will not tolerate you abuse, and I won’t stoop to your level”.

What do you think is the best response for children? What do you tell your children?

Cruel’s not Cool

It is funny to see people squirm. It is hilarious to watch someone get hurt.

Is it?

Our culture says it is. America’s Funniest Videos is full of homemade video clips that showcase injuries and accidents. They are really funny and we should laugh, right? 

But is it really funny, or entertaining? Is it really funny to watch reality television programs, dramas, and comedies where someone gets hurt? 

In the past I would have thought that it was but I don’t any longer. Awhile back I thought wrote about watching America’s Funniest videos, and other media, and my realization our culture appears obsessed with the humor of inflicting pain.  It turns out I only referenced another seemingly benign show American Idol.  Sadly, many television shows do encourage aggression, verbal, physical or otherwise, it seems pain is ratings in prime-time. (See another post about the culture of bullying here )

Someone is working to change that culture and she has just launched an amazing site to help combat the Culture of Cruelty! Annie Fox, successful author and speaker, has always worked to help teens and tweens navigate life,  now she takes it a step further with her new anti-bullying campaign and website.

Cruel’s Not Cool should top the list of resources for anyone looking to join forces against bullying. Check it out, you will be glad you did!

You can also find her blog here or her Facebook page here.  

Oh, and did I mention she is an accomplished author? Middle School Confidential helps kids deal with life problems. Part graphic novel, and part real life skill building it comes with a free downloadable Leader’s Guide. Check it out!

Have a fantastic day and thanks for reading! Your participation counts!

It’s fine to be a bully… if you’re pretty.

There is a myth that persists among many. Bullies are outsiders. Unpopular people who live on the fringe of society.

In the movie A Christmas Story ,one may recall the yellow-eyed bully Scut Farkus,
Not a pleasant sight, and surely Scut was not the most popular kid in Hohman, Indiana.

In reality, the truth is bullies do not take on any specific form. We cannot tell our children a fairy tale that will help them identify a bully, no fable that steers them clear of the ‘bad guy’.

The movie Mean Girls makes that very clear.

Now you may say “That is just a movie, made up for Hollywood, a complete exaggeration”. Possibly.  The truth is, the movie is based on a non-fiction book by author, Rosalind Wiseman. Queen Bees and Wannabes (and the adult version Queen Bee Moms and King Pin Dads) , and is a startling look inside the educational life of a child.

Sadly, the movie takes an insightful book and does exactly what it shouldn’t. It glamorizes bullying for the teen. Oh sure, at the end of the movie there is a ‘feel good’ moment, where the “bully” does the right thing.  To a teenager, this message is no doubt lost, as shown by the “mean girls” groups popping up in schools.

In a recent edition of the Journal of School Psychology, (April 2010), Lisa H. Rosen and Marion K. Underwood, examine beauty and how  attractiveness allows a bully to remain undetected.

“Aggressive-popular youth are cool” . It turns out, of the students ranked most attractive, a number of them were also rated most aggressive.

This is important for two reasons. Students who are attractive also enjoy a certain measure of acceptance among peers. Attractiveness has long been linked to acceptance and this acceptance can ultimately be a source of power and influence.

Reason number two. Adults also defer to the attractiveness. The bullying and aggressive behaviors exhibited by “the beautiful people” often go undetected, or worse, encouraged.

As cited by Rosen and Underwood, attractive babies are sometimes treated more favorably by mothers, and people tend to assume that attractive people are smarter and more competent (Rosen & Underwood,2010).

Ultimately, it means we are more likely to dismiss behavioral transgressions because of the false notion that pretty people are incapable of being mean.

Furthermore, it means as parents we may be less likely to discipline our pretty children. According to an article in the Montreal Gazette
sociologist Jack Levin, co-director of the Brudnick Center on Violence at Northeastern University in Massachusetts, says that attractive kids are spanked less by their parents.

While not everyone employs the spanking method, it seems reasonable to assume that correction of  negative behavior lessens when the child is especially attractive.

In my experience, my son happens to be adorable. It is not just my opinion, but most everyone who encounters him seems to agree. He is also highly curious and active, often creating havoc in his attempts to explore the world. As a mother I do my best to correct and redirect his behavior. My frustration lies in the fact that as I try to redirect, I often hear a chorus of “Aw, it’s okay, he’s so cute”.

I have wondered what this social acceptance of his bad behavior is teaching him.

Now I know.

Source articlesFacial attractiveness as a moderator of the association between social and physical aggression and popularity in adolescents

Bullying, aggressive behaviour ignored in good looking kids

Bullied in Kindergarten-All year long- What has been done?

Until now, not much of anything. A six-year-old boy from Seattle claims he was bullied all year.  His mother, did what most people would, she told the school. The school responded by stating they would take care of it, however,  in her opinion, they did not do much of anything. Now, days before most school districts are about to end their school years, the school responds they have assembled a team to decide how best to handle the problem.

Really?

The mother shares her concern with the nightly news as she tells of at least ten incidents throughout the year, and according to her, her son has not been the only child affected. Her concern is that the entire culture of the classroom is aggressive. Her earlier complaints to the school have gone undocumented and unresolved, even with a new principal joining the school administration.

Perhaps the school has investigated this entire time and only now, has found it necessary to assemble a team to discuss the issue, and only after the media became involved.

What would you do if your fears or concerns of bullying went unaddressed by your school? Would you contact the media? Do you think we live in a bullying culture?

Youth Mentoring to Resist Bullying?

Recently, Oakfield Middle School decided not to get a motivational speaker to discuss bullying in their school. Instead they chose to use students( and resources they already had) from their Leadership Class to mentor other students.

Selected students, members of the Leadership Class, led other students in trust building workshops designed to explain the dangers of peer aggression; while building a sense of community among students.
Leaders informed other students they would be available to help if there were concerns of bullying and let their peers know they did not want to have a tragedy, similar to a suicide, in their school.

Learning by example is most effective for children and what better examples than their peers. In my opinion this concept could be extremely effective. Not only are they allowing children to take leadership roles, those student are encouraging other students too.

Negative behavior is a pervasive problem in schools, imagine what could happen if there were positive expectations among peers. I would love to hear what the effects of the program are some time in the future. Perhaps this program could work with younger students.