Kindergarten Preparation

Do you have a child entering Kindergarten in a few weeks? I do. As I compile all the necessary accoutrements for learning, I wonder about all the things she will learn this year.  Surely she will learn to read better, maybe do some math, a bit of science, perhaps.  I would like to say I am spending many moments waxing poetic about her experience; instead  I worry. Worry, she will lose some innocence. Worry, she will learn the “real world’ ways, and it will scar her sensitive heart. Just as it did mine.

When I entered school, I had no idea people, or kids, were unkind to each other. At least, I don’t recall that I did.  I had never been in day care, never around a lot of  kids.  I went to school, and I recall being terrified.  I had good reason to be, because it wasn’t long before my first bully, a girl, crushed my spirit. 

I seriously believed, and I guess I still do (so in that respect she failed) that people are supposed to be  kind.   At that point, I believed they actually were.  Boy, was I wrong. I was wrong, and it hurt. It was confusing.

I know that my daughter is not so naïve. We placed her in pre-school just so she would be around other kids. Just so she would be social.  She lost that innocence early, because she has already had a bully. A boy, from 2 years ago, whom she refers to occasionally with frustration and irritation. A boy she used to be afraid of, who has now taken the place of a fact of life- some people are just not nice, some people have their own problems, some people might not have a good home life.

I know she has already had that lesson. I worry it will be worse. I worry she will come home insisting she needs this thing or that thing, because all the girls do. (Knowing what that really means) I worry she will awaken with mysterious illnesses that suddenly disappear after 9am .

We talk about confidence. We talk about how she should not measure her self-worth based on others. We talk about her ability to overcome. We challenge her and hope she knows how strong she really is. We listen, and we try to do all the ‘right’ things.  We talk about these things, but still I worry.  After all, I have written about young children attempting and succeeding suicide. I know how horrible it can be.

Do you worry about your Kindergartener facing bullies? Are you more worried about other things? What do you worry about most? How do you prepare your child for their Kindergarten experience?

What can forgiveness do for you?

A very loyal reader, Fritzie, posted a comment earlier today to my post Phoebe Prince’s Father Focuses on Forgiveness? and shared a story about a woman faced with a choice. Katy Hutchinson experienced tragedy. Her husband, left their home one night to check on their neighbor’s property when a party broke out while they were away. he never returned. One of the teenage party goers took his life and Katy was left alone with two children.

In this video Katy herself speaks about the choice she made the night of her husband’s death, and how her life, and many others, are now positively altered by forgiveness. 

Katy has not only forgiven the teen, she has forged a relationship based on the power of forgiveness. Watch the video, I promise it will make you think, and you may just find yourself asking how can forgiveness work for me?

Thanks Fritzie, for your contribution and dedication.

Controversy in Canada

A boy, Ryan Coomber, was allegedly bullied on the bus. The school assured his father an investigation would be done, and he should drive his son to school in the mean time.
Deep divisions as to the accuracy of the Coomber’s story and what happened on the bus are present in the Canadian town. Some people belive that the boy was a problem on the bus, some say he was bullied. Either way, something happened on that bus.
If Ryan Coomber was a problem, it is my opinion, that the bus driver should know, and Ryan should have been moved to the front of the bus. Especially if he was not responding to peer redirection.
The bus driver  was responsible to follow-up with Ryan’s parents and the behavior issue could be addressed.

I was not there and, in all fairness, there are two sides to every story. However, it seems there is some missing responsibility somewhere.
Please see the original post and follow-up comments, as well as my post yesterday about the students and bus driver denial of the allegations.
Ultimately, I am having a hard time believing that nothing happened to Ryan Coomber on that bus. Statistics show children with disabilities are more often victims, as are children with ADHD (someone suggested Ryan is rambunctious). The bystander effect is also a real phenomenon where the greater the number of witnesses , the less likely someone is to notify authorities.

The other side of the story

A few days ago I shared the story of Ryan Coomber, of Saskatchewan, Canada. A five-year old boy who was apparently harassed on his bus, and when his father sought answers, he had to drive Ryan to school while the school investigated. 

Today, I received this email 

Hi Beth, first I would like to say that I found your site interesting — and meeting a need. So many people need to tell their  

bullying stories. Untold stories foster ever-growing anger.  

However, getting to the bottom of a situation is not always simple.  

I raised a very active, in-your-face kind of a kid — very courageous and with a zany sense of humor. When he was young he often came running because some big kid had hurt him. It would have been so  

easy to turn on a 12 year old who had just hurt a 4 year old.  

Fortunately, this was in a tolerant , caring, home-schooling community and by involving parents and others we were always able to get to the bottom of things–but it was time consuming–It cannot be done one a 20/1 ratio. Our goal was always reconciliation and a dozen years later we are still friends with these ” bullies”.  

The story on Ryan Coomber brought me to your site. I challenge you to read the 2 CBC news-stories and the following comments. Things are not as they first seem. CBC has now facilitated the bullying of a busload of kids in front of the whole nation  

I did check the articles the writer sent. The links actually only sent me to one article , two times, but I read it and the many comments posted in response. 

It is clear there is a community up in arms and some people do not belive little Ryan Coomber’s story. Some belive he is a rambunctious child who has caused many problems on the bus. They believe that the rest of the students, and the bus driver, are now being persecuted because Ryan’s father went public. 

I can see how that could be possible. After all, a child could be overactive, and misbehave, agitating their peers. There is no doubt in my mind that could happen. 

However,the bus driver should have been aware of those concerns long before, and the bus driver should have required the boy to sit in the front of the bus, behind the bus driver, and proper notification should have been sent home. 

I am sure driving a bus is hard, and maybe I am wrong, and absolutely nothing could be done. Perhaps someone could share with me, as I have never driven a bus. I’ve only been a student on a bus. Although our bus driver, I remember her clearly, would have pulled the bus over if there was an unruly child, perhaps this is not the norm. What would you do? 

 

Punish the victim

I have written before about victims being punished, excluded or otherwise pushed aside for the sake of a bully but the story I am about to share is more distressing than most, at least for me.   

In Saskatchewan, Canada, 2008, a riding lawn mower ran over a boy named Ryan . The injuries he received were severe and doctors amputated his left leg below the knee.  Recently while riding the bus, other children harass and physically assault him.  

Ryan Coomber with his sister Kadie and father Robert Coomber in the pediatrics ward of the Regina General Hospital in Regina in 2008. Image courtesy of Dan Healy/ CanWest News Service via WinnipegFreePress.com

 

When asked by his father why, Ryan said it was because he was singing.  The assault left injuries to Ryan’s face.  It is not the first time Ryan suffered at the hands of his peers. According to his father, other incidents include stealing his bag, pushing, and trying to steal his prosthetic leg.  

The school district response? To be fair, the school district has opened an investigation about the incident, but in the mean time they requested that Ryan’s father take him to school and pick him up.  

Why do we continuously punish the victim? Is it not possible to remove the alleged aggressor?   

In March, an eight year old victim had to leave his class after his peers pulled his pants down in front of the class.  That incident ended with the eight year old jumping from the building.   

Stories abound of victims, punished, attacked, harassed, and otherwise persecuted for coming forward and standing up for their rights.   

It is important that we teach children they do not deserve abuse and harassment. We try to encourage resilience and self-esteem so that children bounce back from these incidents.   

What kind of message does it send when we ‘punish’ the victim?  

As a child I tried many times to solve situations myself, but when I was physically assaulted, or worse, I would share with an adult. I remember feeling disheartened and confused when nothing would be done. I remember not telling anymore, and I remember when I began to internalize the bullying as my problem. Coincidence? I don’t think so.   

How can we teach children to not internalize their abuse? How do we help them learn self-esteem and ‘bounce back’ from bullying, when victimization occurs more than once, from the very people supposed to help them?  

Source Article available from the WinnepegFreePress.com

Eight year old threatens suicide

Baltimore City. An eight year old with cerebral palsy, beaten by her peers, threatens suicide when she can no longer take it.

Imagine being a parent getting that phone call. Not only is your child being physically harmed by her peers she has threatened suicide. She is just eight. She is strong and doesn’t let anything hold her back. Kicked in the head, it is too much and she tells teachers she is going to jump from a window.

Why are eight year olds even thinking of suicide? That is why I write this blog. No child should feel their life is over at eight. No child should feel afraid at school. No child should feel suicide is the answer to escaping peers at school.

Why do people not think there is a problem with bullying?  Bullying and suicide are not child’s play, not just kids being kids.

When will we learn? What is the answer? How can we help?

Pictures of Bullying victims

I have begun compiling a page with photos of the victims. Victims of bullying. Perhaps they have been beaten, perhaps they have been set on fire, perhaps they have committed suicide, but they are all victims.

I will add more pictures as I am able and each picture, when clicked, is a link to a page, or an article about the child.

We have an epidemic. Here, and around the world, children are suffering.  We must change our cultures, we must raise awareness, we must do something.

Please take a minute to look at the Victims page. There is a link above, or you may click here.

https://acceptanceinschools.wordpress.com/victims/

If you know of someone I have not included, please email me at kindergartenbully@att.net

Share their story and their picture. We must begin to put a face to this problem.

Not in my school, not my child

Hello all!

Yesterday I posted about an 8-year-old that attempted suicide. I went to bed, barely able to sleep, thinking about that poor child standing in class, having his pants pulled down by peers.  As if that wasn’t tragic enough he says that kind of harassment had been going on for months and it was just one more thing to endure.   Scared, alone, sad, and “tired” he jumps from a second story building, just wanting to end the bullying.

Flash forward to age 15, instead of Houston, it is Deerfield, Florida, and this time it is not a boy but a girl.  Joise Rately is waiting for the bus. A 15-year-old boy and his 13-year-old accomplice begin to attack Josie.  The boy, is wearing steel toe boots and repeatedly stomps on her head.

Update****** Josie ‘s medically induced coma medication has been reduced but she has yet to recognize anyone. Her attacker is being held in a juvenile facility and was said to be angered because of a text message Josie allegedly sent to him. While the fact of the case are unclear as to the why, one thing is certain. No one deserves to be beaten the way she was, and regardless of what prompted the attack, that kind of violence is NEVER acceptable. ******

Josie Ratley is in a drug induced coma, while family and friends pray for her recovery

Josie may not survive and her family does not have insurance. 

Enter, Michael Brewer, he comes to visit Josie. They know each other from science class, and he is praying she gets better.  Michael knows all too well the pain of being attacked by peers. Last year he had lighter fluid poured on him and was set aflame. He nearly died.

One has to wonder if the administrators and teachers at Deerfield Beach Middle school are still staying “not in my school”.

Schools all over the country are saying “not in my school”.  They believe everything is working. Part of it may be optimism, part may be laziness, part my be the fact that none of us likes to look in the mirror and be confronted with our flaws. 

We must. If the flaws only affected adults I might understand the ostrich routine, but in this case I can not fathom how schools are ignoring the problem.

How am I convinced there is a problem?  There is a problem everywhere in our society.

We treat each other poorly. Media, movies, and television glorify aggressiveness. Not just overt aggression, relational aggression too. Snide remarks, ‘back-stabbing’, social superiority, name-calling, manipulation, social ostracization, all of these are things we base our entertainment on. 

“I don’t watch that stuff” , to that I say “sure, you don’t”. We all do, and every day I become more and more aware how I contribute to a culture of meanness.

That is what it is really. A Culture of Meanness. This is where we live. You could go almost anywhere in the world and it is beginning to be the same for them. As the hegemonic Western ways spread like a plague so do the mean attitudes we hold so dear.

I am beginning to notice. I have started shutting off those programs, and commercials. I am not watching those films. I see how my exposure to these things condones this behavior.

I know, it seems monumental. You don’t have to follow.  Watch what you want. But realize we do not live in a vacuum.

Not in my school, not my child. It is so easy to say.

Josie Ratley does not have insurance.  Her hospital care is likely to be very costly.  If you want to donate to her fund  at Wachovia Bank, in care of the Law Office of Garden and Donor for the benefit of Josie Lou Ratley in Palm Beach Gardens, Florida.  (Tel: 800-869-3557  please contact this location to find out where to send it, as there are several locations in Palm Beach Gardens.

Smile at a stranger today,

Beth

Read more about this event, and see pictures of Michael Brewers and Josie, here

Bullying victims (survivors) Michael Brewer and Josie Lou Ratley share more than a science class

Posted using ShareThis

Bullies Need Affection too

Good morning everyone. The sun is shining, the birds are singing and bullying is in the news.

From the National Public Radio Segment (NPR) a few days ago where Neal Conan and his guests get bullied by a caller claiming to be an adult bully (although by the conversation there was little doubt).  You can listen to or read transcripts of the segment here http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=125065190

Or the NPR segment yesterday about a school in Maryland utilizing the Olweus Bullying Prevention program. Olweus is considered one of the premier researchers in the field of bullying and the discussion centers around the apparent success of his program at a middle school in Maryland. You can listen to the segment or read about it here http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=125137071 it is entitled Hit Back at Bullies, Not at this School.  It is an excellent example of where an anti-bullying program can work when everyone is committed and children do not have to resort to violence to resist bullies.

Even more interesting is the world-wide coverage of a study released in the March/April 2010, volume of Child Development.   The study, was conducted by asking 500 students ages 9-12  (notice it isn not very young children) and the results show that bullies want affection and acceptance.  They chose their victims by picking the children who were generally not well liked by their peers.  In other words they did it to be more popular.

Bullies have long been thought of as the bad kids, the outcasts, but this study shows that they can be well liked by peers by being selective. By chosing the children seen as weaker or those that, for whatever reason, have fewer friends, they actually boost their status.

Disturbing news actually, children who are already having trouble making friends are kicked while they are down, so to speak,  and used as a stepping stool to popularity.  This is really not acceptable in my book. 

Oddly, I am almost positive if you ask parents whether or not bullying is an acceptable practice you will get two camps of people. Those that say ‘absolutely not’. Or the other group who says “it’s just a part of life”, ” kids being kids”, “I was bullied and I am ok, what’s the big deal”.  

I would also be willing to bet if you asked that second group if it would be acceptable if their child was bullied, nearly all of them would say no, they would not like it. They would do whatever they could to stop it. Or they might feel powerless and have no idea what to do. Either way I am sure that no one really wants their child to be bullied.

If you look at statistics, no one should want their child to be a bully either. Statistics show they are more likely to commit criminal acts and have trouble with the law.

Now that we have  that settled.

Bullies need affection.  Not surprising since everyone does.  So how do we change it? I think, in part, we need to create cultures where it is unacceptable, where children are not allowed to behave that way.

I also think that we throw an enormous amount of money at schools trying to correct the problem, or we throw an enormous amount of money at the criminal justice system trying to fix crime.

I don’t think either response works as we would like it to.

There is a school here  in Wisconsin, called University Lake School. They have a college acceptance rate of 100% (or at least they did five years ago when I was dreaming of sending our daughter). It is ridiculously expensive but the environment is amazing. Children are encouraged. Each one of them is made to feel important.  The teachers are paid very well and are rewarded, but their job is less stressful because the student ratio is lower, and they are valued, as they should be.

It is a different culture. I imagine that everyone there is kind, and under less stress. If we could teach our children about kindness, from day one, how to be nicer to each other and themselves, we could make a huge difference. 

I also think we need to change the way we fund education.  If we took all of the money we waste on a system of corrections that does not work and threw it in to education, beginning at preschool I belive our results would be different.  Really different. Shockingly different.

Bullies, are not getting something.  It sounds like it is affection, kindness and acceptance.  Their victims are certainly not getting it either.

It seems we have a whole lot of children feeling unloved in the way people should be loved.

Now you may say, well I love MY child and I am sure you do. But what if we worked to show  all of our children how to love others just a little better, and shared  more of our resources with them?

Many people do not want to commit tax dollars to education. They refuse to pay for referendums to increase money for the schools.

I say, pay for it now or pay for it later. But you will have to pay. Maybe if we changed our school systems just a little bit, and gave them the resources now, perhaps we would need to spend less on corrections later. Maybe we would not save any money but perhaps we would save people from pain due to crime. Or perhaps we would save money, either way, crime is pretty costly.

 I hope that you are having a fantastic day! Take the time to tell someone today how much you appreciate them, and why you appreciate them, and I am sure you will both be surprised. 

Beth

 (Some of the article about the study in Child Development  cam be read here)

http://www.webmd.com/parenting/news/20100325/what-motivates-kids-who-are-bullies

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life/spirituality/self-help/Pursuit-of-status-affection-behind-bullies-behaviour/articleshow/5722657.cms

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/7515076/Bullies-are-looking-for-affection-claims-study.html

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/36036393/ns/health-behavior/

School atmosphere- what is worse bullying or urban myth?

A Windsor, Ontario student has stabbed another. The headlines say “possible” bullying fight.

My question is this, even if it is not a case of bullying (which I find unlikely-I don’t think students go around stabbing each other for no reason), is any violence in our schools acceptable?

I think the answer is no. No child should go to school wondering if they will witness, or become a victim of, violent crime.

Whether the notion of increased so violence is accurate statistically, the media representation of schools in recent years, has certainly changed the climate. 

Students now are unsure whether or not there will be violence at their schools. If it is not on their mind all of the time, it is there. At least I suspect it is. Especially for older students.

Many of the images and information we receive is inaccurate.

Kidnappings, for example, contrary to popular belief are much less often committed by strangers, than they are non-custodial family members.

While I believe that bullying is a very relevant issue, I think  media representation of things is also an issue contributing to the climate of our schools.

What can we do to stop bullying and simultaneously create a positive atmosphere that is not riddled with urban myth?

Do you think that urban myth detracts from the real issues or does increased media, of any kind, help to raise awareness?

Ontario student stabbed in possible bullying fight.