Sharing the message

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I hope everyone wore their pink shirts today! I know I did and I hope that many of you did too.

I have been very lucky with this blog to be able to share something I belive in, and the response from readers has always been overwhelming to me. As I have said before I would love to be able to write more.

This is my last semester as a non-traditional adult student. I am about to graduate from college, May 14th, 2011, almost twenty years (just shy by three weeks) from the day I graduated high school.

As much as love writing this blog, and writing in general (I’d love to find someone who would pay me to do it :)), school is something I just cannot put aside. My experience in school as a child was miserable. From “kick me” signs, to fake friendships, to name calling, to spitting at me, to physical abuse, to stealing homework and more. School was a nightmare. Well not school itself, I loved learning, but the social experience was more than I could really stand and my grades suffered. Plus, it was no fun to be smarter, or have the right answer all the time. So I didn’t and I couldn’t wait for the day I graduated high school. I swore I was never going back. Besides, no one had told me I deserved to go to school.

But here I am, graduating. With honors and a 3.72 GPA, which I think is pretty good. This semester I am writing a thesis, and I hope to get accepted to a Master’s Program in Geographic Information Technology. That is what I am spending my time on, (and a little political unrest in our state), and as much as I do love writing I haven’t been able to devote the time it deserves.

That is why I was so surprised when I was invited to be part of a new site about to be launched called Paperblog. I checked it out and it seems like it will be a great site, so added my blog, and my membership to the Paperblog site has been confirmed by the Communications Manager. We will see how it all works out and as soon as it launches I will let all of you know. It promises to be a great site where information can be found all in one place.  Now if only I could get someone to pay me to write.  Oh well, for now I will write when I can and I’ll  stick to what I am good at, studying.  

In the mean time please remember that a bullied child may not be enjoying school, they may be able to get better grades, and they may just wish someone would notice the pain they are living with. It will get better, I promise, but I am sure they don’t realize that right now.

Have a great day!

First Day of Kindergarten

Lunch was packed; grapes, cheese sticks, homemade (from a box-but not pre-packaged) pudding,  pretzel nibblers, lovey note from Mommy. CHECK. Bookbag, water bottle, milk money. CHECK.

  She was not as nervous as I thought she would be, and neither was I. The rain held off. The walk to school with our friends, and neighbors, was delightful.  A beautiful day all around.

Then it happened. Not to my daughter, but to the lovely little girl she has become friends with; we all have become friends with.  Vanessa, (not her real name) got glasses over the summer. Beautiful purple, and sparkly glasses. They look as though they belong on her face.  Under the flagpole, waiting for school to start, Vanessa’s friend from pre-school approaches. Vanessa is visibly nervous. Maybe about school. Maybe about the glasses.

Jasmine: (Also,not her real name): “What happened to your eyes?”.  Vanessa hesitates.  I answer, “Aren’t her glasses pretty, she just got them over the summer?”  “Don’t they look nice on her?”

Jasmine: “UGH“,  with a frightened, disgusted look, hides behind her mother. Seconds later, she returns, “Why don’t you take them off? Why are you wearing them?”

At this point I am not sure what to do, Vanessa is clearly distraught, and I know from her mother she is not happy about having to wear the glasses. I step back, leaving the girls to themselves, I tell Vanessa’s mother about the incident as she talks to another mother.  

I am heartbroken for Vanessa. I can’t imagine how it has made her feel, especially since she is so visibly shaken by the overall experience of attending her first day of school, the glasses may have been the icing on the cake.

Luckily, Vanessa is resilient and strong, smart and determined, she will be alright, no doubt.

I was wondering, what would you do in that situation? How would you address it? Do you let the girls feel the situation out? Do you help Jasmine understand, even if she is not your child? 

I quickly reminded Vanessa how fantastic she looked, as we all have been, since she got the glasses. Did it sink in? Does her fear prevent any compliments from sinking in?

 I do think that it is acceptable for Jasmine to be curious, but it is important for the behavior to be addressed somehow. If not, and it is brushed off as “normal”, behaviors like this are bound to continue and insensitivity can easily be come something much more harmful. At least in my opinion.  What do you think?

Kindergarten Open House

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It is scary meeting new teachers, seeing the school, and learning where everything is. Scary, not only, for my very brave almost six-year-old but scary for me. She seems to have it well in hand, even if she is a little shy about it. And not actually shy, she is more a watcher. She watches to see where everything goes, how everyone interacts, and what is required of her, before she jumps in. Understandable.  

Nope ,she is not the one who is nervous, really. It is me. I am a little scared of the other parents. Maybe, it is because I have read Queen Bee Moms and King Pin Dads, Rosalind Wiseman. Maybe, I am nervous because of what I went through in kindergarten, and I am nervous for her.  Maybe I am nervous because people really scare me. 

You wouldn’t guess it, and no one usually does, but people, pretty much terrify me. Mostly, because I know how mean and petty they are, passing judgements, sizing up clothes and appearance, determining a persons worth through their attire.  I never let on though, not at first. I talk to everyone, and I mean everyone. I have been accused of being overly social and overly friendly.  Maybe that is true. But the truth is, that I just really want to meet people, and enjoy their differences, even if I am terrified they will not respond in kind. Plus, the truth is I just don’t know how to act around people, and I get scared, and my mouth seems to go on hyper-drive. People probably hate it. It doesn’t mean I am any less genuine, it just means I don’t really know what to say, and all I want to do is know everyone!  

My daughter didn’t seem terrified. Her teacher is kind, and she already knows a lot of kids at the school, because of the wonderful community we live in, and her preschool experiences.  Kids kept saying “Hi” and waving, “good to see you”, so she didn’t seem worried. If she was she didn’t show it and she didn’t mention it when we talked about her impression of the new school.  

Instead, I was worried. Worried about how her experience will be, and worried about my experience with other parents.  Kindergarten Open House is stressful, I think.    

 Today we have a short conference with her teacher, to learn a little more about her time in class. She is excited and can’t wait for the first day. The conference is just prolonging her anticipation.  

For me, it means she gets two more days to be a little girl.  And I don’t have to worry about my experience as a parent for awhile.  

Anti-Bullying Promotes Homosexuality?

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Seriously? 

 Focus on the Family, a conservative Christian group has announced that they think anti-bullying messages are being “hijacked’ by gay activists, according to an article available on the Summit Daily News website.

 A student does not have to be homosexual to be identified by his peers as homosexual, and the fact is students who are identified as homosexual by their peers are more likely to be harassed.  It really doesn’t matter to people whether a person is homosexual or not.

It should not matter whether a person is homosexual or not, no one deserves to be abused. As a result, I do not think anti-bullying messages should focus on accepting one group more than another. They should focus on accepting differences. Period. We should teach our children that whether or not we agree with the choices our  peers make, they deserve the same amount of respect.

Respect should not be conditional.  If we all stopped worrying about petty little differences, we could see that we are just parents trying to raise our kids in a way that we believe is right. We do not have to agree with the choices that others make, but that does not make them deserve any less respect. 

No one wants their child to be bullied.  We all want them to learn.  We want them to be successful. 

Don’t we want them to be a good person? I think we do. Let us FOCUS on RESPECT.  In our schools, and in our families.

The Tooth~A story of compassion and giving, for children, and adults

I have been very lucky to meet some really awesome people in my life. Recently I crossed paths with a dedicated mother, a “momprenuer”, and a teacher. She has eight children, whom she homeschools, and in her spare time  (if one can have any with eight lovable students), Hope Fischer, shares Usborne books with people.  I met her, and her family, at a local fair, and because I had heard such great things about Usborne books, I asked Hope to share her books, with my friends.

Now I should add a little disclaimer here. I love books. All books. When I worked in juvenile corrections a teacher, and I, started a library in the medium security unit . It ran for several years, and was pretty amazing.

I think there is really something about the smell, the feel, and the sound, that comes with cracking open a brand new book.  So when I invited Hope to my house to do a book party, it really wasn’t about earning free books (though that is a bonus), it wasn’t about getting friends together (though I do like my friends). Selfishly, it was that I wanted to see and touch all the books she had. I wanted to look at them all and ogle them.  Silly. I know. But it is my thing. I just love books.

Hope came, we had a book party, I ogled the books and wished that I could afford one of each.  I earned a few free ones; it was pretty fantastic and fun.  After the party, Hope asked me if I would look at a book for her, and see what I thought. She knows I write a blog, and thought I would like it.  She was right.

The book, is called The Tooth, by Avi Slodovnick, art by Manon Gauthier.

Marissa is like any child. She loves candy. Her candy desire eventually requires a trip to the big city dentist where she comes face to face with busy city streets, rushing people, skyscrapers, and a man, who has seen better days.

She can’t stop thinking about the man, as she makes her way to the dentist’s chair.   Marissa’s visit doesn’t go exactly as she planned and she ends up asking her mother about the tooth fairy. As Marissa leaves the dentist she ends up, again, drawn to this man, and when she meets him, they are not the only ones who will be changed…you might be too.

The story left me with goosebumps, as it did several other mothers I shared it with.  I read it to the girls at my daughter’s sleep-over tonight and we had a wonderful conversation, about compassion, generosity, kindness, empathy, and much, much more. I even think there were tears in one eight year old’s eyes, as she heard the ending.

Stories like this will change the way we teach our children, and for the better, I think. Once you read The Tooth, I am sure you’ll agree.

If you want to find out more about The Tooth, or Usborne Books visit Hope Fischer here.  You’ll be glad you did.

Wondering what to look for if your child is being bullied?

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I know I have not been posting as much as I normally do, and for that I apologize. The thing is I have really been enjoying the summer, and time with my kids (for the most part-one can always do without whining and tantrums).

School is starting soon, and I hope to be more proactive in my posts. I haven’t forgotten about the bullies, or even stopped thinking about ways to combat them.  I even feel a bit irresponsible, enjoying my time so much, when I know there are children out there who are afraid. Afraid of their peers, afraid that school is about to start, afraid that their summer vacation ending, means nine months of sadness, depression, fear and angst.

I feel like it is a good time to remind ourselves what it looks like when bullying affects our children, what should we as parents, grandparents, and family members look for?

The following information comes from a site that, I think, offers easy to understand information about bullying and education topics. A person can find a wealth of resources at Education.com by just typing a topic in the search box.

Warning Signs your child is being bullied, and what to do about it:

Warning signs:

 

Possible warning signs that a child is being bullied include:

• Comes home with torn, damaged, or missing pieces of clothing, books, or other belongings
• Has unexplained cuts, bruises, and scratches
• Has few, if any friends, with whom he or she spends time
• Seems afraid of going to school, walking to and from school, riding the school bus, or taking part in organized activities with peers (such as clubs)
• Takes a long, “illogical” route when walking to or from school
• Has lost interest in school work or suddenly begins to do poorly in school
• Appears sad, moody, teary, or depressed when he or she comes home
• Complains frequently of headaches, stomach-ache, or other physical ailments
• Has trouble sleeping or has frequent bad dreams
• Experiences a loss of appetite
• Appears anxious and suffers from low self-esteem

What to do if you suspect that your child is being bullied?

If your child shows any of these signs, this does not necessarily mean that he or she is being bullied, but it is a possibility worth exploring. What should you do? Talk with your child and talk with staff at school to learn more.

1. Talk with your child.

Tell your child that you are concerned and that you’d like to help. Here are some questions that can get the discussion going:

Some direct questions:

• “I’m worried about you. Are there any kids at school who may be picking on you or bullying you?”
• “Are there any kids at school who tease you in a mean way?”
• “Are there any kids at school who leave you out or exclude you on purpose?”

Some subtle questions:

• “Do you have any special friends at school this year? Who are they? Who do you hang out with?”
• “Who do you sit with at lunch and on the bus?”
• “Are there any kids at school who you really don’t like? Why don’t you like them? Do they ever pick on you or leave you out of things?”

The article is available here, goes on to discuss how a parent can speak to educators at their child’s school.

Bullying is not just kids being kids, it is a serious problem, and if it were adults committing the same acts we would not hesitate to call it harassment or abuse. Why do we expect our children to behave like criminals, and allow it?

Kindergarten Preparation

Do you have a child entering Kindergarten in a few weeks? I do. As I compile all the necessary accoutrements for learning, I wonder about all the things she will learn this year.  Surely she will learn to read better, maybe do some math, a bit of science, perhaps.  I would like to say I am spending many moments waxing poetic about her experience; instead  I worry. Worry, she will lose some innocence. Worry, she will learn the “real world’ ways, and it will scar her sensitive heart. Just as it did mine.

When I entered school, I had no idea people, or kids, were unkind to each other. At least, I don’t recall that I did.  I had never been in day care, never around a lot of  kids.  I went to school, and I recall being terrified.  I had good reason to be, because it wasn’t long before my first bully, a girl, crushed my spirit. 

I seriously believed, and I guess I still do (so in that respect she failed) that people are supposed to be  kind.   At that point, I believed they actually were.  Boy, was I wrong. I was wrong, and it hurt. It was confusing.

I know that my daughter is not so naïve. We placed her in pre-school just so she would be around other kids. Just so she would be social.  She lost that innocence early, because she has already had a bully. A boy, from 2 years ago, whom she refers to occasionally with frustration and irritation. A boy she used to be afraid of, who has now taken the place of a fact of life- some people are just not nice, some people have their own problems, some people might not have a good home life.

I know she has already had that lesson. I worry it will be worse. I worry she will come home insisting she needs this thing or that thing, because all the girls do. (Knowing what that really means) I worry she will awaken with mysterious illnesses that suddenly disappear after 9am .

We talk about confidence. We talk about how she should not measure her self-worth based on others. We talk about her ability to overcome. We challenge her and hope she knows how strong she really is. We listen, and we try to do all the ‘right’ things.  We talk about these things, but still I worry.  After all, I have written about young children attempting and succeeding suicide. I know how horrible it can be.

Do you worry about your Kindergartener facing bullies? Are you more worried about other things? What do you worry about most? How do you prepare your child for their Kindergarten experience?

Coexist, what does it mean?

Maybe you have seen them, the bumper stickers that say COEXIST in various religious symbols? For me it is not just about religion, although, that is a major part of it.

For me it is about The Commons. We all share this marvelous place called Earth, and we each have a stake in its survival. Each of us deserve to live healthy lives, and none of us deserve that more, or less, than another.

I belive in the concept of coexistence and sharing the place where we live peacefully. So much so, that I recently got a tattoo to symbolize it.

While the tattoo uses religious symbols bordering a peace sign, it serves to symbolize the human need to embrace difference.

It is my strong belief that each of us is able to understand that we are all different, and each of us could be excluded from the group for various reasons. After all, not everyone likes everything we do, and certainly not one of us is perfect. It is because of our imperfections that we must realize humility and understand that no one person is better than another. We have all made mistakes, we are all flawed. If we teach our children acceptance and tolerance at the most basic level we may eventually know peace, until then we have nothing.

Bullying starts with difference. If we pick and choose what differences are unacceptable rather than beginning to accept all differences we will continue to have a problem.

I don’t believe there is any one of us who hopes their children end up in a war, or gang violence, a victim of workplace or school yard bullying. If that is in fact true, than it is up to US to change the way we perceive difference, and this includes religion, and appearances, economic diversity, and ethnic diversity.

For me, my hope is that we can agree to COEXIST in the Commons, respecting each other, and the planet.

Empathy-Planting the seed, watching it grow

A dedicated reader recently was kind enough to tell me I was missing something.

I am always on the lookout for new, and helpful links to share with you, and her suggestion is one I had missed completely.

Seeds of Empathy, and it’s sister program Roots of Empathy, are based in Canada, but can be found elsewhere in the United States, New Zealand, and the Isle on Man.

Researched based, the program works to empower children by social and emotional learning. The program has been positively reviewed by many people, and may be worth exploring as an option for your school or Early Education Setting.

Special thanks to my loyal reader, you know who you are.

~Beth

Bullied in Kindergarten-All year long- What has been done?

Until now, not much of anything. A six-year-old boy from Seattle claims he was bullied all year.  His mother, did what most people would, she told the school. The school responded by stating they would take care of it, however,  in her opinion, they did not do much of anything. Now, days before most school districts are about to end their school years, the school responds they have assembled a team to decide how best to handle the problem.

Really?

The mother shares her concern with the nightly news as she tells of at least ten incidents throughout the year, and according to her, her son has not been the only child affected. Her concern is that the entire culture of the classroom is aggressive. Her earlier complaints to the school have gone undocumented and unresolved, even with a new principal joining the school administration.

Perhaps the school has investigated this entire time and only now, has found it necessary to assemble a team to discuss the issue, and only after the media became involved.

What would you do if your fears or concerns of bullying went unaddressed by your school? Would you contact the media? Do you think we live in a bullying culture?