Pink Shirt Day

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Today, two friends told me about their recent experience with bullying.

One of my best friends, who I have known for 23 years told me about her son fearfully shaking this morning as he told her he was scared to go to school. Another friend told me about how her co-workers child is experiencing bullying with little help from the school principal.

Sadly, these stories are not unique and the fact is that bullying is rampant in our society.

From very small children, where it begins, to adults in public office.  Many people know live in the great state of Wisconsin. For over 50 years the state has held a long tradition of union negotiation, protecting the rights of workers. Now those rights are under attack by a newly elected Governor, ill-equipped to compromise, preferring strong-arm tactics.

Both sides of the argument are in the process of name calling and bullying tactics.  One side has sought to bully the other into changes and is shocked when the other has decided to push back, effectively playing the same game by refusing to allow a vote. Clearly, both sides are bullying the other, and failing to negotiate is a horrible example of how things should work.  Sadly, that the Governor is trying to eliminate the right to negotiate is the most tragic tactic to come out of this political dispute but both sides have behaved poorly in many respects.

I would like to remind people, bullying begins in a child’s formative years and all examples that adults provide are quickly internalized as proper behavior, regardless of whether those are appropriate or not.

When a child is bullied on the playground we often tell them to fight back, and we certainly wouldn’t expect them to lay down and take a beating when faced with a fight, but to defend themselves given the circumstances.  The solution is to learn how to treat each other with respect and learn to negotiate and compromise with a clear head, avoiding the power abuse that is bullying.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011 is Pink Shirt Day, a day we stand together to fight against bullying by deciding we are no longer going to tolerate power abuse. We stand together silently to support the rights of children and people to be treated with respect. Remember to wear your PINK shirt, and remember that bullying begins with each of us and the examples we set for our children.

Here is a link for more information.

What will it take?

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Ok. So I don’t get to write as often as I like. I am swamped this semester, again, and although I think about the topic of bullying and how we treat each other often, I don’t get to share it here. I suppose that makes me no better than many other people who say, “It’s not my problem.”  I hope not, but I can’t help but think that I should be doing more.

This morning I went to church with my family. A church I like quite a lot because I belive they really do preach acceptance.  This morning, at our Family Service, the message of acceptance was shared loud and clear.

The Family Service is designed, as far as I  can tell, to make church an experience that children want to be involved in.  We have all seen the child sitting in the pews, eyes glazed over, wishing more than anything they were somewhere else.  Plenty of parents too. It isn’t like that at our church. The Family service is shortened to about a half an hour. Perfect for young children and their short attention spans. The content and sharing of Scripture is put in a context they can understand. There are often puppet shows,  and actors (often our pastors) dressed in costume sharing stories from the Bible in ways that children can relate to.  If that didn’t engage the children, they are often asked to sing, play instruments and share in the message in various ways.   The youth of our church really want to be there and youth activities always seem to be well attended. 

Today the message was for children and parents. In the process of sharing about the Ten Commandments, Pastor Scott took the time to talk about bullying.  He shared how important it is for peers to treat each other well and “sticks and stones really do hurt”. I couldn’t have been prouder when he took the time to discuss such an important problem.

It really is going to take everyone, and churches are a great place to start.  When community leaders take the time to say the problem needs attention, people begin to shift their focus. Oftentimes , bullying is looked at just kids being kids. Something that doesn’t really deserve a lot of attention. The time for that is passed, bullying is an epidemic.  From politics, to playgrounds, we must begin to treat our fellow humans better. Treat those as you would like to be treated shouldn’t be lip service, but a real way of life.

Thank you Pastor’s Scott and Paula for sharing the word.

Celebration of risks taken

Today is a big day around our house. We have planned all summer for this event and now it is here.  Food is ordered, about to be cooked. Bounce house on the way. Check. Tent, Cotton Candy Machine. Check.

Sounds like a circus, right? Sometimes it is, but it is the best little circus a person could imagine, and we call it home.

You may remember I wrote about my wonderful neighbors, I talked about our great community. I can’t help but share with everyone I know, how wonderful it is to live where we do.

Today we get to share with each other, today we get to share with the neighbors that we haven’t really gotten to know quite yet.

Today we are having a Community Cookout. Dishes are being passed. We are all chipping in for a bounce house, cotton candy, and a large tent. One neighbor, Miss Bunny, has generously provided the children with a Balloon Guy, to entertain and delight with twisted balloon animals, hats, swords, and other latex friends.

Today we get to celebrate the work we put in all year-long.
Work? Work you say? Living somewhere takes work?
Absolutely! It is certainly easier for any of us to stick to ourselves, to find peace and comfort in our own homes, to not take time to meet, and know, our neighbors.
Easier. But not better. I have been blessed by the people I have met. Each person, different from the next, has made my life better by just being them.
Today I get to thank them for making my life better. Today, I might get to meet new people. Today, I get to celebrate the diversity, and difference, and circus that my life sometimes is.

Did I mention that the residents aren’t the only people who find community valuable, but that the complex owner, who owns a considerable amount of properties finds our community valuable too? He let us dig up his yard to make a garden, bought us rain barrels, picnic tables, and is now supplying a bulk of the food and supplies for our party.
We are truly blessed here. It didn’t just happen. We didn’t get this wonderful community without work, tears, laughter, and smiles.
We made it happen. You can too. Take the time to talk to people. Introduce yourself, several times, if need be. Help with groceries. Find out what people do. Learn about their lives. Be a friend. You’ll be glad you did.
We are. Today we celebrate the risks we have taken, and today we reap more of the rewards.

Today, I hope you are blessed by those around you. Today, I hope that you take risks. The rewards are far greater that you can imagine.

How do we teach our children acceptance?

There is, of course, no easy answer. It is hard to accept difference. We easily become set in our ways and often find ourselves seeking out those with whom we share similar interests and beliefs.

The fact of the matter is if we seek to surround ourselves with sameness, if we are afraid of difference, if we believe that those who are different have nothing to offer, so will our children.

I have said before that parenting is a teaching experience, and you may wonder what I mean by that. For me parenting is not about being my child’s best friend, though I do want them to feel comfortable confiding in me, trusting me, and enjoying my company. For me, it is about allowing them the opportunity to make choices and mistakes. For me, it is about assisting them as they set out on a journey called life, and it’s about giving them tools to help along the way. Sometimes, it means they will fail. Sometimes, it means there will be tears. Sometimes, I will not like their choices. 

Andrea Patten, author of What Kids Need to Succeed says it best. “We are not raising children, but future adults. “

Woa! Wait a minute, what do you mean we are not raising children. It means that if we are rasing children, they will always be children. We know that is not the case. Someday they will leave the comfort, and security, and confines of our homes. What it means is, we must give them the skills to grow into successful adults.

What does that mean when it comes to acceptance?

Everyone knows that the teenage years are often filled with rebellion. Teenagers often seek out the extreme opposite of what they see much of their life. Why not expose them to many people, cultures, and lives, so that they can make their own choices without pulling away?

The fact is that if children see diversity, without judgement or disrespect, they will not only learn to treat everyone with respect they might not seek the extreme when the time comes. It is possible to expose children to difference, and say “while I don’t necessarily chose that path for myself, it is that person’s choice to live as they do, it does not make them any less human or less deserving of respect”.  If we actively seek diversity for our children; if we share opportunities for new people, cultures and friendships, they will not only learn, by example , that all people are to be respected, we might just make some new friends along the way.

 We all want what is best for our children. We all hope they make choices that match our beliefs . Sometimes we try so hard to shelter and protect them that the minute they are able to make some choices for themselves, they fight back, and we wonder where we have gone wrong.

Isn’t it better to show them acceptance, tolerance, and loving attitudes from the start?

Be part of the Solution-You ARE the key.

We talk a lot about empowering kids. Making our kids stronger so that they can resist life’s challenges, including bullies.  We speak about and ask ‘how can I help my child’? 

The sad fact of the matter is, if you are asking, your child already has an advantage. What about those children who don’t have parents concerned about their experience? What if the parents are children themselves? What if they live in poverty and both parents work? What if there are no parents but a stream of foster parents?

In truth these are the children that are at risk and I am going to say that few school programs and laws will be able to protect them from the lonely feeling they experience, and the risk factors that make them a target for bullying.

What do we do? Well, I believe that those of us that care about our children, and how they navigate through childhood  are responsible for ALL children.

What do I mean?

 I mean it is up to us to raise socially responsible children who are confident in themselves, who are kind and empathetic to peers, and who set examples for them. I mean we plan on living in a society that these children will someday live in and why not focus on the process instead of complain about the outcome.

How do we do that?

We encourage our children to, not only, empower themselves, but others. Through kindness to everyone, and especially those who are in situations that are unpleasant, and who have few resources upon which to draw, children can act as resources their peers may not have. They might a family and encouragement that is not readily available.

So can you. As an adult you are able to interact with your children’s peers and classmates. You can invite all of them to group activities. If you are financially challenged there are free activities everywhere. Sometimes children just need an adult to be there. They need people who care about them.

It is up to us to create the families and communities that are beneficial to our child,  but our children are not the only children who are in need. Other children are part of society and some day will be adults who we all will interact with. If we have a stake in the outcome why not contribute to the process?

You are a valuable person. You have a lot to offer. Why not share it with everyone around you?

Be part of the solution.  You are the key.

Focus on Forgiveness

Imagine this. Your child is playing nicely by himself. Sitting in the sandbox, digging a hole, filling it and digging  it again.  Suddenly, a neighborhood boy,  you have had problems with him in the past, comes over and shoves your child, stealing the shovel.  Screaming, your child looks to you for help.

Immediately you are angry. After all, your child was sitting there minding his own business. Where is his mother? You see her. She is sitting there talking with another mother, and never saw the incident. She is always talking. Never paying attention. How can she not see her son’s aggression? 

Seeing her,  makes you more furious.

What could you do with this situation?

You could

a) Go over to your child and comfort him, say that child is just a bully, don’t pay them any attention.

b) Go over to both children and say that wasn’t very nice. Suggest that your child offer the other boy the extra shovel and perhaps they can play together.

c) Storm over to the other mother and tell her how tired you are of watching her child bully others and all she does is sit and talk.

d) Go over to the other mother, introduce yourself, say you have seen her around and your sons are in the middle of a squabble, could she help?

e) Go over to the other mother, tell her she is a moron, you are tired of watching her child rule the playground.  She is a horrible mother and when is she going to wake up to the fact that her 3 (or 4 or 5 or 6 yr old, etc. ) is a bully.

f) You could go over to your child and tell him the next time that bully takes his shovel, he should shove him back. That ought to teach him, and your child would learn to stand up for himself.

g) You could sit down with both children and talk to them, be an example and offer both of them suggestions on how they could have handled it differently. The mother may or may not see you and may introduce herself. She may explain she is sorry there was a problem but she tries to let her son learn things through trial and error, she likes to let him explore, and she is glad your son told him that he didn’t like the behavior.   You realize you both have different parenting ideas, part of you wishes you could be a little less stressed like her, but part of you is angry she doesn’t parent (as you see it).

h) You could go over to your child, remove him from the situation, and say that the other child is just mean and that ultimately they will get their own punishment for being mean.

i) You could remove your child, take him home and show him a book or a video like the one that follows that explains retribution, and divine retaliation. 

This morning on YouTube I saw this video and it made me think about the culture we live in. What are we teaching our children? While I understand the ‘moral’ of the video is that mean children will get what is coming to them, so don’t be mean, I wonder what else it is really saying.

Why don’t you watch and tell me what you think? What option would you choose? What would come of the option you choose? What can we as parents, and bystanders do to create positive relationships with our children, their peers, and their parents? Can we be part of a better example?

How can we stop bullying?

Yesterday I wrote about the lessons your child will learn in school this year. I wrote about trying to make sure the lessons they learn include how they treat others. I don’t write these things because I presume that I am perfect at interpersonal relations, far from it in fact.

Growing up, I was picked on something fierce. I was sensitive, and often worried about what others thought, still do in fact. I had some close friends but I was always unsure what people were looking for. All I really wanted was for everyone to get along. I am still that way. I still think that each person, no matter how different has something to offer the world.

Many people who know me would say I am loud, sometimes abrasive, opinionated, passionate, vocal, unfiltered, brash, and I am sure many more adjectives would come to mind.

The truth is I am probably all of those things, but I am also sensitive, caring, forgiving, generous, and much more.

The point I am trying to make here is that we are all different. We all have qualities that others may not like from time to time. We make choices that others do not like and none of us is perfect.  

Many people wonder how can we stop bullying. Should we start programs, make laws, or start a list of offenders?   Maybe all these things, I suppose. In reality I don’t think that any of these things will work on their own.

What I do think will work is for all of us to accept a little humility. To realize that none of us is perfect. To understand that to stop bullying we must look within ourselves.

Each day we make mistakes, each day we are not perfect, each day we must start anew and work toward developing better relationships with the people around us. We must reach out to people whom we may not easily identify. We must look to make connections with people who are different from us and we must all serve as an example.

The first step to stopping bullying is to understand that old saying about living in glass houses, and casting stones.  We must try harder, be better, and try and try again to” be the change you want to see in the world” (Gandhi).  (If you are not a fan of Gandhi, there are many other similar quotes that mean the same thing- insert your own favorite here or feel free to share yours)

I know I am not perfect, are you?

What is the most important lesson your child will learn this school year?

My daughter will enter Kindergarten this year.  As I gear up for the dreaded school clothes shopping ( I know some people like shopping but I am not one of them) I think about what she might learn this year. Will she learn how to read better? Will she start chapter books? How much math is part of the curriculum?

All of these things are important but she could learn other things too. She could learn how to pick on the new kid. She could learn what it feels like to be excluded. She could learn how to call names, and exclude others. She could learn that differences are to be feared. 

All of these things are topics we discuss at home but peers are pretty powerful things in a child’s life.  A parent can spend hours, days, and a lifetime teaching and telling a child how they want them to live; but faced with being picked on or excluded themselves they may choose differently than we would like.

How do we counteract the pressure and examples others set for our child? 

Telling a child to treat their peers with respect means little if we do not do the same. If we choose media and entertainment that offers examples of catty, disrespectful behavior, that example is likely more powerful than the words we share.

Another important way to make sure your young child treats peers with respect is to invite other children to activities in your home, or a park, or a public place of your choosing.

1.Be sure to invite all the children in your child’s class.

2.Try to make sure it is an activity that all parents can afford.

3. Invite the parents, and develop relationships with them.

4. Take time to develop an activities network and take turns with other parents. 

5.  ALWAYS  Treat all parents with respect and do not speak ill of them when not in their presence (especially in front of your children or others).

6.  Be Proactive! Create a community for your child and their peers, include parents, and develop relationship.

I know that many parents work odd hours, different shifts, many are shy, and many have financial challenges.  There are many activities that are inexpensive or free.

Some suggestions:

1.Sack races with pillow cases at a park.

2. Trips to Nursing Homes, or Elder Care Centers.

3. Trips to Animal Shelters.

4. Trips to the Fire Station, Police Station, A local Bakery.

5. Craft day in the park. (Make cards or projects for nursing homes)

6.  A toy drive for those less fortunate.

7. Roller skating, or biking in the park.

8. Garbage pick up in the park.

9.  Softball, Volleyball, Soccer, etc.

10. Sledding in the winter.

These activities can be planned with little effort. Email, phone or Facebook, all the parents in the class. Send a note home with the students. Give a date and time and allow those that are able to come to meet there.  Not all children and parents will come every time, and it may take a few times to get a response but people will want to share in the fun you are having.

Children love group activities and it is up to us to create community and appropriate examples for children.

Are there any other activities or ideas you could share?

How do you thank an entire community?

Awhile back I wrote an open thank you to my neighbors.
I wanted to thank them for everything they do for us. Not just the definable ways, like watching my kids when I run to the store, or giving me a few minutes when I feel overwhelmed, or sharing recipes, or meals, or group outings, or any number of the ways a person can physically count the benefits because, to me, they are so much more. I wanted to thank them for the ways they enrich our lives.

It is not only the neighbors that deserve a thank you. It is the property owners too. They have allowed us to tear up their land and plant a garden, they donated rain barrels, and have bought picnic tables for the Commons. Pretty generous, for a large corporation that owns many properties and no doubt worries about profit.

That is not all. We are planning a community party to celebrate our garden, summer, friendships, new neighbors, children, and anything else we can think of.  We asked the property owner if they would pitch and not really expecting they would.  To our surprise and delight, they agreed to help. Guess what they are supplying?  All of the hamburgers, all the hot dogs, all the chips, and soda, plates, and napkins even. All of it.  Do you believe it? Pretty amazing huh? All we are supplying is “passed dishes” and the “neighborhood” is renting a bounce house, a cotton candy machine, and a Balloon guy to entertain the kids.  The property owners are paying for much of the bill.

We contacted the paper to do a story about our community and how grateful we are to the property owners.

The thing is, how can one really measure the benefits? Is it really possible to measure the friendships developed here? Can you quantify the lessons being learned by our children?  Can you put a number on memories?  What about the other things being learned like how to garden, or how to get along with people vastly different from you, or how to be an example to others, or how to be more assertive, or how to listen better, or how to be a better friend, or how to live alone, or how to make pickles, or bread?

All of these things are happening here. Would they happen without the property owner’s generosity? Maybe, maybe not. It will be interesting to see if our community party, where everyone is invited, (plus  free food), will encourage other people to venture out and take a chance. 

Of course it is risky, people might know you a little more. They might, but to me, it seems like the benefits outweigh the risks tenfold. 

How well do you know your neighbors?

What do you think of Jessi Slaughter and her viral videos?

An eleven year old girl takes to YouTube, a virtual black abyss. She posts videos responding to what she calls “haters” who have called her names, and questioning her sexual innocence.

“Jessi Slaughter”  talks to Good Morning America about the situation.  Jessi describes her profane threatening videos, and her father explains his appearance in some of the videos.

 “Jessi’s” father threatens children, just as “Jessi’ does during the videos, and the response from the world is more threatening messages, mocking videos, and the family says they have received death threats.

“Jessi” claims Florida authorities sent her to a mental health facility for evaluation. She says she is not suicidal but she admits she couldn’t know what would happen when she posted the videos.

I am wondering what you think about the videos.  What about a father who threatens children to protect his own? What about responding to the bullies via the internet?

Of course I have my opinion, but I am hoping to hear from you first.