Pink Shirt Day

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Today, two friends told me about their recent experience with bullying.

One of my best friends, who I have known for 23 years told me about her son fearfully shaking this morning as he told her he was scared to go to school. Another friend told me about how her co-workers child is experiencing bullying with little help from the school principal.

Sadly, these stories are not unique and the fact is that bullying is rampant in our society.

From very small children, where it begins, to adults in public office.  Many people know live in the great state of Wisconsin. For over 50 years the state has held a long tradition of union negotiation, protecting the rights of workers. Now those rights are under attack by a newly elected Governor, ill-equipped to compromise, preferring strong-arm tactics.

Both sides of the argument are in the process of name calling and bullying tactics.  One side has sought to bully the other into changes and is shocked when the other has decided to push back, effectively playing the same game by refusing to allow a vote. Clearly, both sides are bullying the other, and failing to negotiate is a horrible example of how things should work.  Sadly, that the Governor is trying to eliminate the right to negotiate is the most tragic tactic to come out of this political dispute but both sides have behaved poorly in many respects.

I would like to remind people, bullying begins in a child’s formative years and all examples that adults provide are quickly internalized as proper behavior, regardless of whether those are appropriate or not.

When a child is bullied on the playground we often tell them to fight back, and we certainly wouldn’t expect them to lay down and take a beating when faced with a fight, but to defend themselves given the circumstances.  The solution is to learn how to treat each other with respect and learn to negotiate and compromise with a clear head, avoiding the power abuse that is bullying.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011 is Pink Shirt Day, a day we stand together to fight against bullying by deciding we are no longer going to tolerate power abuse. We stand together silently to support the rights of children and people to be treated with respect. Remember to wear your PINK shirt, and remember that bullying begins with each of us and the examples we set for our children.

Here is a link for more information.

What will it take?

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Ok. So I don’t get to write as often as I like. I am swamped this semester, again, and although I think about the topic of bullying and how we treat each other often, I don’t get to share it here. I suppose that makes me no better than many other people who say, “It’s not my problem.”  I hope not, but I can’t help but think that I should be doing more.

This morning I went to church with my family. A church I like quite a lot because I belive they really do preach acceptance.  This morning, at our Family Service, the message of acceptance was shared loud and clear.

The Family Service is designed, as far as I  can tell, to make church an experience that children want to be involved in.  We have all seen the child sitting in the pews, eyes glazed over, wishing more than anything they were somewhere else.  Plenty of parents too. It isn’t like that at our church. The Family service is shortened to about a half an hour. Perfect for young children and their short attention spans. The content and sharing of Scripture is put in a context they can understand. There are often puppet shows,  and actors (often our pastors) dressed in costume sharing stories from the Bible in ways that children can relate to.  If that didn’t engage the children, they are often asked to sing, play instruments and share in the message in various ways.   The youth of our church really want to be there and youth activities always seem to be well attended. 

Today the message was for children and parents. In the process of sharing about the Ten Commandments, Pastor Scott took the time to talk about bullying.  He shared how important it is for peers to treat each other well and “sticks and stones really do hurt”. I couldn’t have been prouder when he took the time to discuss such an important problem.

It really is going to take everyone, and churches are a great place to start.  When community leaders take the time to say the problem needs attention, people begin to shift their focus. Oftentimes , bullying is looked at just kids being kids. Something that doesn’t really deserve a lot of attention. The time for that is passed, bullying is an epidemic.  From politics, to playgrounds, we must begin to treat our fellow humans better. Treat those as you would like to be treated shouldn’t be lip service, but a real way of life.

Thank you Pastor’s Scott and Paula for sharing the word.

Increased Awareness for bullying or Increased copying

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During 2011 I am hoping to write more. I want to contribute to the dialogue that has started (finally) about bullying and how it affects students and communities.

One of the things I have been thinking about is, does the increased media awareness lend to solutions or does it obscure the real problem by sensationalizing the traumatic stories? Does it lead to an increase in copycat suicides? Does the increased media presence do more harm than good?

I am not sure of the answers and I do know one thing. The increased media awareness still does not direct attention to the fact that bullying begins in early childhood. I am concerned that the attention does little more than focus on those victims that have already lived past the point of tolerance. Children who have survived, and are either taking their lives, or they are old enough to speak out, are at this point the only ones being heard.

My focus has always been on bullying as it begins in early childhood and our response to children who are bullied or are showing the signs of becoming serial bullies.  We do not spend enough time and effort on assisting our children in learning appropriate interpersonal communication techniques at an early age and the result is adolescents who are unable to, or unwilling to, learn new skills.

What do you think the media awareness is doing for the cause of bullying? Has it made it a novel concern? Do you think there is a way to educate people without sensationalizing trauma?

I would love to hear your thoughts and I look forward to the New Year. I hope that you are blessed with love and peace in the New Year.

Being Thankful.

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For some people, Christmas is nearly here. Boxes, wrappings, and bows will clutter many homes, and are certain to clutter nearby landfills. (PLEASE recycle everything possible)
Families will get together and memories will be made.

In the United States there is a lot of time spent on the 25th of November ruminating about  things we are thankful for. For me, it seems like that being thankful should be a daily thing, no matter what religion you are or where you come from.  

I haven’t written in a long time because I was working hard in school. It was my last fall semester and I am very dedicated to my studies. I am thankful that I have a wonderful husband and children who allow and aid me in going to school by being tolerant of the hours and hours I spend on projects or studying. (Not to mention I have the most fantastic husband and children!)

Bad things can happen to anyone, at any time. We have no concept what tomorrow holds and life can change in the blink of an eye. It is important to tell the people that we care about how much we appreciate them, everyday.

Life gets busy and we get cranky and say things we don’t mean. Sometimes we don’t realize that our loved ones are going through a difficult spot. Maybe, they don’t want to worry us. Maybe, they don’t want to think about their problems. Maybe, they are too proud to share the pain they are feeling.

I write this thinking about all of those children who are on Christmas Holiday from school. Right now, their lives may be normal. Hopefully they have wonderful families and have a reprieve from studying and school work. Some children are grateful to have time away from school for other reasons. For some children, each day spent at school may be a torturous time, as they suffer abuse from their peers.

Please take this time with your families to be thankful. And if you have children off from school on break, take this time to be close and find out what their experience is. Find out if they miss their friends, or they are grateful to be away from school. Watch as the day they return to school gets closer, and watch for signs they are anxious about it.

This is a perfect time to assess your child’s well being, and a perfect time to reassure them they are loved.

In 2010 far too many children ended their lives thinking they were unloved, or they had no solutions to their problems. In the blink of an eye they were gone. If we all take this holiday time to appreciate those we love, maybe we will help someone through a rough time, maybe they will realize there are solutions, maybe they will realize that life is worth living.

Happy Holidays everyone. It doesn’t matter which one we celebrate, or if we celebrate any all.  Take this time to celebrate life and family.

50 Blog Posts Every Teacher Should Read

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I am proud to say that this blog has a place on a special list. 50 Blog Posts Every Teacher Should Read is a list produced by Michael Erins on his site Masters in Education.

The post, What can forgiveness do for you?, written July 31 2010, about Phoebe’s father’s wish to forgive the children involved in her suicide, was in response to the Phoebe Prince case, and in part, a post written earlier that day.

Thank you Mr. Erins for your dedication to teachers and for researching the 50 most important sites. I applaud your efforts.

As many of you know bullying is a crisis I care deeply about, despite my inability at this time to post as often as I would like.  I applaud efforts by educators to find new ways to deal with this age-old problem.

I mentioned awhile back I had spoken with my daughter’s principal about the lack of supervision on the playgrounds at her school. Two school days after that conversation the principal di send out an email to parents requesting volunteer supervision on the playground. It was a welcome email and when I returned to the school the following Friday there was a noticeable increase in parents choosing to attend lunch with their children. Recess seemed a little less chaotic and it is my opinion that adult presence simply reminds children of the rules even if the rules are unspoken. Kudos, to her principal!

Perhaps you can spend some time at recess with your children and help create a more visible adult presence. Children really enjoy it, and I am sure you will too.

Most bullying in schools occurs during unsupervised times like recess, class transitions, and bathroom breaks. Children cannot be watched every second of every day but if  more adults are present during recess perhaps the likelihood of bullying behavior will drop.

Isn’t it worth a try?

I hope you are having a wonderful week and I hope to have opportunity to write again soon. In the mean time please explore some of the helpful links I have provided on this site.

~Beth

The Bully- A new independent film

I have a second to post and I wanted to mention that in just a few days I will be receiving an advance copy of the new independent film by Derek Kimball and Matthew D. Konkel called The Bully. I am really excited to see this artistic look at a problem that is so prevalent, and seems to be more so each day.

While I have not been writing as regularly as I was, bullying is still a cause I care deeply about. Especially since it is so visible in my daughter’s class. It seems that there is a lot of aggression in a few of the children and relational aggression is most prevalent. At least as far as I can see. Children are not very kind and each day my daughter comes home with a different story about who wont play with whom and what is being said. I could just assume that it is a child’s perception, but I have in fact, witnessed it myself. Occasionally, I meet with her for lunch. I sit at her table, and I see the behavior that will someday lead to really overt bullying. It is distressing, and as soon as I figure out how to stop it, I will. But the sad fact of the matter is, all of the redirection in the world may be lost on children whose only modeling for appropriate behavior comes for tween television loaded with snippy comments and superior thinking.

At present her school uses a form of ‘bullying’ curriculum, and it seems as though it is something they talk about in class . I am watching to see how things progress and will keep posted as time allows.

In the mean time, I hope you will check out the website for the film The Bully, and as soon as I have opportunity to see it I will let you know!

My Child a Bully? Part 1 – By Annie Fox

Some of you know who Annie Fox is, if you don’t and have kids, you really must. She is an author, educator, and has amazing insight into the lives of teens. 

The following is part 1 of a 2 part post that she agreed to share – I hope that you will enjoy it and will take the time to check out her blog at http://anniefox.com  . There, you can find out more about her books, her podcasts, or her new Middle School book Series Middle School Confidential.  

This won’t be an easy read. But if the title pulled you in, you may already have some suspicions (or hard evidence) that your kid engages in mean-spirited behavior that hurts others. No parent wants to admit their kid is a bully, but according to a recent U.S. Department of Justice study, 77% of students nation-wide reported having been bullied, verbally, mentally or physically, in school in the past month. Lots of tormentors. Each one is somebody’s child. Would you know if (s)he was yours? 

Hints that your child may be a bully: 

1. You or your partner is a bully. The family is Ground Zero for learning about emotional responses and relationships. If a parent consistently yells or uses verbal threats, emotional blackmail or physical violence to manipulate family members, that’s what the child learns. And that learned aggression is likely to come to school with him/her. If you’re a bully it may be difficult for you to see it. If you’re wondering, ask your partner or your child “Do you think I’m a bully?” Hopefully they’re not too afraid to tell you the truth. 

2. Your child is bossy at home. Is she demanding? Do things have to be her way or she throws a fit? Curses at you? Threatens? Gives you the silent treatment? Refuses to cooperate? Takes it out on siblings? If you made a short list of adjectives describing your child would you paint a portrait of someone you admire? If you admit she’s self-centered, controlling, insensitive at home, why assume she’s consistently caring and supportive at school? 

3. Your child’s close friends are not the nicest people. You may not trust them without knowing why. Or you may have good reasons not to respect the choices these kids make.  If so, talk to your child (calmly and respectfully) about these friends. This isn’t about labeling or demonizing. And it’s surely not about getting into a power struggle with your child about who she can and can’t be friends with. This is about understanding your child. Be compassionately curious about his friendships and he’s likely to open up.  Your intent is to find out what your child likes about his friends and which ones, if any, your child may not be 100% comfortable with. 

4. Your child makes rude comments about other kids. Tune in to conversations between your child and her friends. What kind of language do they use to describe other kids? How often do you overhear gossip, a rude put-down, or a “joke” being made at someone else’s expense? 

Ask your child to tell you about the social hierarchy in her grade. Kids often like to display their expertise and you’ll be surprised at how detailed they get about who’s “in” and who is so not. Some kids will literally draw you a picture of the school’s social landscape! Listen closely as your child describes the kids who aren’t popular. Or the ones who are. Do you hear derogatory language? (“He’s such a loser.” “She’s such an ugly bitch.” ”Fat!” “Retard!” “Whore.”) If your kid freely talks this way in your presence, there are no barriers to the hurtful words (s)he’ll say, text or post when you’re not around. 

Parents of tweens and teens assume that their days of influencing their children are over. Not so! While it’s a fact that friends’ opinions are important, so are yours. You still have tremendous influence on your child’s values and behavior, and you always will. Even after your kids are grown with kids of their own. 

If you are aware that your child is a bully or leaning in that direction, it’s up to you to provide a course correction. When each parent does their job… bullying problem solved 

Annie Fox, M.Ed. is an award winning author, educator, and online adviser for parents and teens since 1997. http://anniefox.com  Her books for tweens & teens include; Too Stressed to Think? And the new Middle School Confidential™ series.  

Listen to her podcast series “Family Confidential: Secrets of Successful Parenting”    

Thanks to Annie Fox for sharing her words with us here!

The Tooth~A story of compassion and giving, for children, and adults

I have been very lucky to meet some really awesome people in my life. Recently I crossed paths with a dedicated mother, a “momprenuer”, and a teacher. She has eight children, whom she homeschools, and in her spare time  (if one can have any with eight lovable students), Hope Fischer, shares Usborne books with people.  I met her, and her family, at a local fair, and because I had heard such great things about Usborne books, I asked Hope to share her books, with my friends.

Now I should add a little disclaimer here. I love books. All books. When I worked in juvenile corrections a teacher, and I, started a library in the medium security unit . It ran for several years, and was pretty amazing.

I think there is really something about the smell, the feel, and the sound, that comes with cracking open a brand new book.  So when I invited Hope to my house to do a book party, it really wasn’t about earning free books (though that is a bonus), it wasn’t about getting friends together (though I do like my friends). Selfishly, it was that I wanted to see and touch all the books she had. I wanted to look at them all and ogle them.  Silly. I know. But it is my thing. I just love books.

Hope came, we had a book party, I ogled the books and wished that I could afford one of each.  I earned a few free ones; it was pretty fantastic and fun.  After the party, Hope asked me if I would look at a book for her, and see what I thought. She knows I write a blog, and thought I would like it.  She was right.

The book, is called The Tooth, by Avi Slodovnick, art by Manon Gauthier.

Marissa is like any child. She loves candy. Her candy desire eventually requires a trip to the big city dentist where she comes face to face with busy city streets, rushing people, skyscrapers, and a man, who has seen better days.

She can’t stop thinking about the man, as she makes her way to the dentist’s chair.   Marissa’s visit doesn’t go exactly as she planned and she ends up asking her mother about the tooth fairy. As Marissa leaves the dentist she ends up, again, drawn to this man, and when she meets him, they are not the only ones who will be changed…you might be too.

The story left me with goosebumps, as it did several other mothers I shared it with.  I read it to the girls at my daughter’s sleep-over tonight and we had a wonderful conversation, about compassion, generosity, kindness, empathy, and much, much more. I even think there were tears in one eight year old’s eyes, as she heard the ending.

Stories like this will change the way we teach our children, and for the better, I think. Once you read The Tooth, I am sure you’ll agree.

If you want to find out more about The Tooth, or Usborne Books visit Hope Fischer here.  You’ll be glad you did.

Parents- Is your child a bully?

It is hard to be a parent. No doubt about it. Juggling work and bills, social engagements and children, family and friends, is hard.  Self-reflection is even more difficult, and honestly looking at our children can be one of the most difficult tasks a parent faces.

No one wants to believe that their sweet baby could be mean. Everyone wants to believe in the innocence of a child.

The reality is that children are not always nice. Sometimes they are adept at hiding their cruel behaviors around adults. Children who are the biggest bullies may appear to be the children who have the most friends. They may seem popular, charismatic, friendly to adults, and have an endless stream of social engagements.

Young children may have to control all of the toys, or a specific toy, or excessively push and shove their peers.  I believe you know, deep down, whether or not there is an issue. Parental gut-instinct is incredibly strong and not easy to deny, but sometimes we do.  

It is imperative that we look deep within our children and ourselves to determine what is best for them in the end. Sometimes we are afraid to examine unpleasant behaviors because they may reflect poorly on us. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t, but ultimately it is important to be a parent and do what is best for the child.

Children who bully are at an increased risk for criminal behavior, and mental health issues. Popularity and failing to act can cost a child a lot if they are bullying their peers.

We must hold our children accountable for negative peer interaction, because if we do not everyone suffers.  

The University of Michigan Health System has a wonderful page about children’s behavior problems  here.
Everything from temper tantrums to aggressive behavior is covered.

~Beth

Bullying is a part of life???

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I was talking with my neighbor tonight about the experience my daughter had that led to the creation of this blog.

Her response?

“Did you tell her that bullying is just a fact of life?”  

No, no I did not. Do I believe that it usually is? Yes. But I do not, not for one minute, belive that it has to be.  I do not believe that we should just look the other way.

 I do believe, that if we work together at an early age we can eliminate it, or at the very least reduce it, so  that perhaps our children could grow up in a less violent world. Maybe they might see less school shootings, instead of more, even though schools are “statistically” a safe place.

She also said well, it is a fact of life, it’s in the workplaces, high schools, it doesn’t matter. 

I know. I know it is. I also know that I used to work at a juvenile prison. I have seen kids taken away from their families, inducted to a life of crime, destined to a life of drugs, violence, poverty and the like.  Some were there because they were violent aggressors in their schools.  Some were clearly victims before they arrived, and continued to be victims after they got there.

Do we know any adults who may have been victims? Who maybe still are? Adult bullies?

Perhaps if we teach our children at an early age they could get along better; maybe in their lifetime they’ll have less war, because other communities, other places decide they no longer want to live like that.  Alright, maybe I am dreaming, but it couldn’t hurt to try.