Pink Shirt Day

Image via Wikipedia

Today, two friends told me about their recent experience with bullying.

One of my best friends, who I have known for 23 years told me about her son fearfully shaking this morning as he told her he was scared to go to school. Another friend told me about how her co-workers child is experiencing bullying with little help from the school principal.

Sadly, these stories are not unique and the fact is that bullying is rampant in our society.

From very small children, where it begins, to adults in public office.  Many people know live in the great state of Wisconsin. For over 50 years the state has held a long tradition of union negotiation, protecting the rights of workers. Now those rights are under attack by a newly elected Governor, ill-equipped to compromise, preferring strong-arm tactics.

Both sides of the argument are in the process of name calling and bullying tactics.  One side has sought to bully the other into changes and is shocked when the other has decided to push back, effectively playing the same game by refusing to allow a vote. Clearly, both sides are bullying the other, and failing to negotiate is a horrible example of how things should work.  Sadly, that the Governor is trying to eliminate the right to negotiate is the most tragic tactic to come out of this political dispute but both sides have behaved poorly in many respects.

I would like to remind people, bullying begins in a child’s formative years and all examples that adults provide are quickly internalized as proper behavior, regardless of whether those are appropriate or not.

When a child is bullied on the playground we often tell them to fight back, and we certainly wouldn’t expect them to lay down and take a beating when faced with a fight, but to defend themselves given the circumstances.  The solution is to learn how to treat each other with respect and learn to negotiate and compromise with a clear head, avoiding the power abuse that is bullying.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011 is Pink Shirt Day, a day we stand together to fight against bullying by deciding we are no longer going to tolerate power abuse. We stand together silently to support the rights of children and people to be treated with respect. Remember to wear your PINK shirt, and remember that bullying begins with each of us and the examples we set for our children.

Here is a link for more information.

What will it take?

Image via Wikipedia

Ok. So I don’t get to write as often as I like. I am swamped this semester, again, and although I think about the topic of bullying and how we treat each other often, I don’t get to share it here. I suppose that makes me no better than many other people who say, “It’s not my problem.”  I hope not, but I can’t help but think that I should be doing more.

This morning I went to church with my family. A church I like quite a lot because I belive they really do preach acceptance.  This morning, at our Family Service, the message of acceptance was shared loud and clear.

The Family Service is designed, as far as I  can tell, to make church an experience that children want to be involved in.  We have all seen the child sitting in the pews, eyes glazed over, wishing more than anything they were somewhere else.  Plenty of parents too. It isn’t like that at our church. The Family service is shortened to about a half an hour. Perfect for young children and their short attention spans. The content and sharing of Scripture is put in a context they can understand. There are often puppet shows,  and actors (often our pastors) dressed in costume sharing stories from the Bible in ways that children can relate to.  If that didn’t engage the children, they are often asked to sing, play instruments and share in the message in various ways.   The youth of our church really want to be there and youth activities always seem to be well attended. 

Today the message was for children and parents. In the process of sharing about the Ten Commandments, Pastor Scott took the time to talk about bullying.  He shared how important it is for peers to treat each other well and “sticks and stones really do hurt”. I couldn’t have been prouder when he took the time to discuss such an important problem.

It really is going to take everyone, and churches are a great place to start.  When community leaders take the time to say the problem needs attention, people begin to shift their focus. Oftentimes , bullying is looked at just kids being kids. Something that doesn’t really deserve a lot of attention. The time for that is passed, bullying is an epidemic.  From politics, to playgrounds, we must begin to treat our fellow humans better. Treat those as you would like to be treated shouldn’t be lip service, but a real way of life.

Thank you Pastor’s Scott and Paula for sharing the word.

Increased Awareness for bullying or Increased copying

Image via Wikipedia

During 2011 I am hoping to write more. I want to contribute to the dialogue that has started (finally) about bullying and how it affects students and communities.

One of the things I have been thinking about is, does the increased media awareness lend to solutions or does it obscure the real problem by sensationalizing the traumatic stories? Does it lead to an increase in copycat suicides? Does the increased media presence do more harm than good?

I am not sure of the answers and I do know one thing. The increased media awareness still does not direct attention to the fact that bullying begins in early childhood. I am concerned that the attention does little more than focus on those victims that have already lived past the point of tolerance. Children who have survived, and are either taking their lives, or they are old enough to speak out, are at this point the only ones being heard.

My focus has always been on bullying as it begins in early childhood and our response to children who are bullied or are showing the signs of becoming serial bullies.  We do not spend enough time and effort on assisting our children in learning appropriate interpersonal communication techniques at an early age and the result is adolescents who are unable to, or unwilling to, learn new skills.

What do you think the media awareness is doing for the cause of bullying? Has it made it a novel concern? Do you think there is a way to educate people without sensationalizing trauma?

I would love to hear your thoughts and I look forward to the New Year. I hope that you are blessed with love and peace in the New Year.

The Bully

An amazing new independent film by Derek Kimball and Matthew D. Konkel will première tonight at  7:30 p.m. Friday, Oct. 8, at Rhode Center for the Arts, 514 56th St., Kenosha, Wisconsin. Filmed in Wisconsin, The Bully is an artistic perspective on something that is prevalent in our society, and is making headlines each day, it seems.

Kimball and Konkel expose bullying as it occurs through a child’s eyes, and offer a fresh reminder about what it feels like to be in elementary school face to face with a school bully.  Unique camera angles, and sound, make this film feel remarkably real, allowing the viewer to share the same emotions the boys do as they  find themselves confronting a bully to win the favor of a girl. Kelly, (Henry Shotwell), and Sam, (Richard Heim),  reach out to challenge Noah Marns (Alex Losi) and are surprised by what they find. You will be too.

While this movie does not seek to teach a lesson, or shine a light on the problem of bullying, the fact is, it does. Brilliant screenwriting by Derek Kimball and Matthew Konkel  make this an important contribution to the dialogue about bullying.  

If you are in the Kenosha area see this film firsthand, and if you are not, take the time to go to the website, view the trailer, and donate. Your support allows the film enter film festivals worldwide.

My Child a Bully? Part 1 – By Annie Fox

Some of you know who Annie Fox is, if you don’t and have kids, you really must. She is an author, educator, and has amazing insight into the lives of teens. 

The following is part 1 of a 2 part post that she agreed to share – I hope that you will enjoy it and will take the time to check out her blog at http://anniefox.com  . There, you can find out more about her books, her podcasts, or her new Middle School book Series Middle School Confidential.  

This won’t be an easy read. But if the title pulled you in, you may already have some suspicions (or hard evidence) that your kid engages in mean-spirited behavior that hurts others. No parent wants to admit their kid is a bully, but according to a recent U.S. Department of Justice study, 77% of students nation-wide reported having been bullied, verbally, mentally or physically, in school in the past month. Lots of tormentors. Each one is somebody’s child. Would you know if (s)he was yours? 

Hints that your child may be a bully: 

1. You or your partner is a bully. The family is Ground Zero for learning about emotional responses and relationships. If a parent consistently yells or uses verbal threats, emotional blackmail or physical violence to manipulate family members, that’s what the child learns. And that learned aggression is likely to come to school with him/her. If you’re a bully it may be difficult for you to see it. If you’re wondering, ask your partner or your child “Do you think I’m a bully?” Hopefully they’re not too afraid to tell you the truth. 

2. Your child is bossy at home. Is she demanding? Do things have to be her way or she throws a fit? Curses at you? Threatens? Gives you the silent treatment? Refuses to cooperate? Takes it out on siblings? If you made a short list of adjectives describing your child would you paint a portrait of someone you admire? If you admit she’s self-centered, controlling, insensitive at home, why assume she’s consistently caring and supportive at school? 

3. Your child’s close friends are not the nicest people. You may not trust them without knowing why. Or you may have good reasons not to respect the choices these kids make.  If so, talk to your child (calmly and respectfully) about these friends. This isn’t about labeling or demonizing. And it’s surely not about getting into a power struggle with your child about who she can and can’t be friends with. This is about understanding your child. Be compassionately curious about his friendships and he’s likely to open up.  Your intent is to find out what your child likes about his friends and which ones, if any, your child may not be 100% comfortable with. 

4. Your child makes rude comments about other kids. Tune in to conversations between your child and her friends. What kind of language do they use to describe other kids? How often do you overhear gossip, a rude put-down, or a “joke” being made at someone else’s expense? 

Ask your child to tell you about the social hierarchy in her grade. Kids often like to display their expertise and you’ll be surprised at how detailed they get about who’s “in” and who is so not. Some kids will literally draw you a picture of the school’s social landscape! Listen closely as your child describes the kids who aren’t popular. Or the ones who are. Do you hear derogatory language? (“He’s such a loser.” “She’s such an ugly bitch.” ”Fat!” “Retard!” “Whore.”) If your kid freely talks this way in your presence, there are no barriers to the hurtful words (s)he’ll say, text or post when you’re not around. 

Parents of tweens and teens assume that their days of influencing their children are over. Not so! While it’s a fact that friends’ opinions are important, so are yours. You still have tremendous influence on your child’s values and behavior, and you always will. Even after your kids are grown with kids of their own. 

If you are aware that your child is a bully or leaning in that direction, it’s up to you to provide a course correction. When each parent does their job… bullying problem solved 

Annie Fox, M.Ed. is an award winning author, educator, and online adviser for parents and teens since 1997. http://anniefox.com  Her books for tweens & teens include; Too Stressed to Think? And the new Middle School Confidential™ series.  

Listen to her podcast series “Family Confidential: Secrets of Successful Parenting”    

Thanks to Annie Fox for sharing her words with us here!

Wondering what to look for if your child is being bullied?

Image via Wikipedia

I know I have not been posting as much as I normally do, and for that I apologize. The thing is I have really been enjoying the summer, and time with my kids (for the most part-one can always do without whining and tantrums).

School is starting soon, and I hope to be more proactive in my posts. I haven’t forgotten about the bullies, or even stopped thinking about ways to combat them.  I even feel a bit irresponsible, enjoying my time so much, when I know there are children out there who are afraid. Afraid of their peers, afraid that school is about to start, afraid that their summer vacation ending, means nine months of sadness, depression, fear and angst.

I feel like it is a good time to remind ourselves what it looks like when bullying affects our children, what should we as parents, grandparents, and family members look for?

The following information comes from a site that, I think, offers easy to understand information about bullying and education topics. A person can find a wealth of resources at Education.com by just typing a topic in the search box.

Warning Signs your child is being bullied, and what to do about it:

Warning signs:

 

Possible warning signs that a child is being bullied include:

• Comes home with torn, damaged, or missing pieces of clothing, books, or other belongings
• Has unexplained cuts, bruises, and scratches
• Has few, if any friends, with whom he or she spends time
• Seems afraid of going to school, walking to and from school, riding the school bus, or taking part in organized activities with peers (such as clubs)
• Takes a long, “illogical” route when walking to or from school
• Has lost interest in school work or suddenly begins to do poorly in school
• Appears sad, moody, teary, or depressed when he or she comes home
• Complains frequently of headaches, stomach-ache, or other physical ailments
• Has trouble sleeping or has frequent bad dreams
• Experiences a loss of appetite
• Appears anxious and suffers from low self-esteem

What to do if you suspect that your child is being bullied?

If your child shows any of these signs, this does not necessarily mean that he or she is being bullied, but it is a possibility worth exploring. What should you do? Talk with your child and talk with staff at school to learn more.

1. Talk with your child.

Tell your child that you are concerned and that you’d like to help. Here are some questions that can get the discussion going:

Some direct questions:

• “I’m worried about you. Are there any kids at school who may be picking on you or bullying you?”
• “Are there any kids at school who tease you in a mean way?”
• “Are there any kids at school who leave you out or exclude you on purpose?”

Some subtle questions:

• “Do you have any special friends at school this year? Who are they? Who do you hang out with?”
• “Who do you sit with at lunch and on the bus?”
• “Are there any kids at school who you really don’t like? Why don’t you like them? Do they ever pick on you or leave you out of things?”

The article is available here, goes on to discuss how a parent can speak to educators at their child’s school.

Bullying is not just kids being kids, it is a serious problem, and if it were adults committing the same acts we would not hesitate to call it harassment or abuse. Why do we expect our children to behave like criminals, and allow it?

Parents- Is your child a bully?

It is hard to be a parent. No doubt about it. Juggling work and bills, social engagements and children, family and friends, is hard.  Self-reflection is even more difficult, and honestly looking at our children can be one of the most difficult tasks a parent faces.

No one wants to believe that their sweet baby could be mean. Everyone wants to believe in the innocence of a child.

The reality is that children are not always nice. Sometimes they are adept at hiding their cruel behaviors around adults. Children who are the biggest bullies may appear to be the children who have the most friends. They may seem popular, charismatic, friendly to adults, and have an endless stream of social engagements.

Young children may have to control all of the toys, or a specific toy, or excessively push and shove their peers.  I believe you know, deep down, whether or not there is an issue. Parental gut-instinct is incredibly strong and not easy to deny, but sometimes we do.  

It is imperative that we look deep within our children and ourselves to determine what is best for them in the end. Sometimes we are afraid to examine unpleasant behaviors because they may reflect poorly on us. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t, but ultimately it is important to be a parent and do what is best for the child.

Children who bully are at an increased risk for criminal behavior, and mental health issues. Popularity and failing to act can cost a child a lot if they are bullying their peers.

We must hold our children accountable for negative peer interaction, because if we do not everyone suffers.  

The University of Michigan Health System has a wonderful page about children’s behavior problems  here.
Everything from temper tantrums to aggressive behavior is covered.

~Beth

Bullying is a part of life???

Image via Wikipedia

I was talking with my neighbor tonight about the experience my daughter had that led to the creation of this blog.

Her response?

“Did you tell her that bullying is just a fact of life?”  

No, no I did not. Do I believe that it usually is? Yes. But I do not, not for one minute, belive that it has to be.  I do not believe that we should just look the other way.

 I do believe, that if we work together at an early age we can eliminate it, or at the very least reduce it, so  that perhaps our children could grow up in a less violent world. Maybe they might see less school shootings, instead of more, even though schools are “statistically” a safe place.

She also said well, it is a fact of life, it’s in the workplaces, high schools, it doesn’t matter. 

I know. I know it is. I also know that I used to work at a juvenile prison. I have seen kids taken away from their families, inducted to a life of crime, destined to a life of drugs, violence, poverty and the like.  Some were there because they were violent aggressors in their schools.  Some were clearly victims before they arrived, and continued to be victims after they got there.

Do we know any adults who may have been victims? Who maybe still are? Adult bullies?

Perhaps if we teach our children at an early age they could get along better; maybe in their lifetime they’ll have less war, because other communities, other places decide they no longer want to live like that.  Alright, maybe I am dreaming, but it couldn’t hurt to try.

“It is not just joking around…”

Visit http://www.jodeeblanco.com

Author Jodee Blanco tells a story. She writes about her experience as a child growing up the target of mean pranks and jokes.  Her story is gripping and when I read her first books Please Stop Laughing at Me and Please Stop Laughing at Us,  it was like she was telling my story, only she couldn’t have been. My story was mine and has yet to be told. 

I have been embarrassed too long because of how I was treated.  It affects me to this day, not because I am depressed and sad. Because I find it near impossible to trust people. Because I am constantly worried I have said the wrong thing or done the wrong thing.  I am afraid of how a interact with people.

Am I opening up a wound by exposing such things here? Probably. But if it helps my daughter or her friends live a life without bullying it will be worth it.  If there is one child who reads my words and knows they aren’t alone.  If someone begins to understand that it really is different after school, even though it is so hard getting there. 

If you can share your story, maybe together we can make a difference.

I think there are many people who believe that bullying is just a part of childhood. And it is for many children, but it doesn’t have to be.   I think that awareness has risen in recent years. I hope that means things are changing. I am not sure, if it is happening in a class of 4 and 5 year olds.

There are some great books by Jodee Blanco, if you were bullied they are a must read.

Find all about them here.  http://www.jodeeblanco.com/  Read them and know it is not your fault.  There is nothing wrong with you.  There is nothing wrong with me.

The Bully- A Film

Cover of Lilly's Purple Plastic Purse

The world is a very small place, it seems.  While attending the theater with my daughter and dear friend, Amy (actress extraordinaire with the exciting theater life I am just a little bit jealous of), I learn that one of the boys in the play is cast in the lead of Amy’s friend Matthew’s new film.

That is exciting! Amy’s friend Matthew is an actor, teacher, writer and director in the wonderful world of theater and film. He has won the Jury Award and was selected for the 2009 Milwaukee Short film Festival. Not to mention being incredibly nice and living the life of theatric intrigue along with Amy. ( I am just a little bit jealous.) (I already mentioned that didn’t I?).

While talking about Matthew, Amy mentions his new film again and the topic is, get this… Bullying.

I do not believe it. Small world. My friends who live the life of theatric intrigue are making a film about bullying, all the while I am experiencing bullying firsthand.  Well I am not, my daughter is.

And I have. I experienced bullying my whole childhood. From the minute I began school it seems.  Kindergarten, there was this lovely girl in my class, and I will never forget her name, even though I won’t mention it here.  She wasn’t really lovely either, in fact she kind of had a nose that was a little unpleasant. And she had freckles just like me.  But for some reason this girl found it in her heart to pick on me.

“Peggy the purple pig” she called me. Nice. I couldn’t understand what I had done. Why was she so mean to me ? What was wrong with me that no one had told me?  Was something wrong with my clothes? What did I do? I still can’t figure it out.

That is in part why I write this blog. Why is so important for me, that my daughter never participate in that behavior.

Oddly, the play we went to see today was Lilly’s Purple Plastic Purse. And there was bullying in the play. It was a good example for my daughter to see. To see a little girl stand up to other kids, big kids, because it is just not right to hurt people in that way.

The kids even said, names only hurt if you let them, right?  How do you not let them hurt?  Bullying wouldn’t be such a big deal if we could teach all of the little kids that words don’t hurt.  And it is not their fault. I think all kids experience bullying sooner or later, but there are always a few kids, that get stuck with it for a long time.

I talked to my daughter’s teacher and she said she had noticed the behavior.  She said she was adding in some curriculum.

I will write what we experience here, in hopes that as a community, as parents, as observers we find a way to teach our children it is just not ok.

In the mean time check out Matthew Konkel’s short film page on Facebook. It is an independent film so donate to support this excellent cause.  It is an important message.   I still can’t believe how timely it is in our lives.  Thanks Matthew!  (of course living the life of theatric intrigue and movie producing he probably won’t see this) Still, Bravo, I thank you, and lots of kids who have been or will be bullied thank you!

http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Bully/193149142872?v=wall#!/pages/The-Bully/193149142872?v=info