What will it take?

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Ok. So I don’t get to write as often as I like. I am swamped this semester, again, and although I think about the topic of bullying and how we treat each other often, I don’t get to share it here. I suppose that makes me no better than many other people who say, “It’s not my problem.”  I hope not, but I can’t help but think that I should be doing more.

This morning I went to church with my family. A church I like quite a lot because I belive they really do preach acceptance.  This morning, at our Family Service, the message of acceptance was shared loud and clear.

The Family Service is designed, as far as I  can tell, to make church an experience that children want to be involved in.  We have all seen the child sitting in the pews, eyes glazed over, wishing more than anything they were somewhere else.  Plenty of parents too. It isn’t like that at our church. The Family service is shortened to about a half an hour. Perfect for young children and their short attention spans. The content and sharing of Scripture is put in a context they can understand. There are often puppet shows,  and actors (often our pastors) dressed in costume sharing stories from the Bible in ways that children can relate to.  If that didn’t engage the children, they are often asked to sing, play instruments and share in the message in various ways.   The youth of our church really want to be there and youth activities always seem to be well attended. 

Today the message was for children and parents. In the process of sharing about the Ten Commandments, Pastor Scott took the time to talk about bullying.  He shared how important it is for peers to treat each other well and “sticks and stones really do hurt”. I couldn’t have been prouder when he took the time to discuss such an important problem.

It really is going to take everyone, and churches are a great place to start.  When community leaders take the time to say the problem needs attention, people begin to shift their focus. Oftentimes , bullying is looked at just kids being kids. Something that doesn’t really deserve a lot of attention. The time for that is passed, bullying is an epidemic.  From politics, to playgrounds, we must begin to treat our fellow humans better. Treat those as you would like to be treated shouldn’t be lip service, but a real way of life.

Thank you Pastor’s Scott and Paula for sharing the word.

Isolation

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Many of you already know that I am a former juvenile corrections officer. “Youth counselor” was my official term because the state where I worked wanted to soften the blow and image of children being in prison. Sadly, it was a prison. There was a razor wire fence and half way through my tenure there, an electric fence was added.  I can’t imagine calling it anything less than a prison.

I bring that up now because, like many of you, I am disturbed by the mass shooting in Tucson, AZ this weekend. My work in the prison allowed me to see differences in human behaviors  and become interested in possible “causes”. That incident, like many violent outbursts seen across the United States, and rarely, elsewhere have seem to have one thing in common. Each of the alleged assailants seem to live in isolation. Whether self-imposed, imagined, or socially isolated they all appear to be on the fringe. As they live on the fringe they seek acceptance wherever they can get it. Nowadays, that is likely the internet where similarly isolated people can join and share their ideas. Ideas,  that often are more and more radical, more and more isolatory in nature, more and more oppositional to what they see as they problems with the culture they may have been rejected from.

Why do I write about this here? On a blog for bullying, particularly as it exists in early childhood?

I write about here because I notice similarities in the victims of bullying and the eventual perpetrators to these crimes.  I am not making excuses for them, mind you. I just notice that both suffer from the same sort of isolation, and need to find acceptance. The difference is that  young children are not always able to seek out acceptance in the radical fringes of the internet. 

I bring it up because I feel it is even more important to be aware when our children are facing isolation, or perhaps encouraging it among their peers.  If conditions are right, isolation from the group can cause adverse reactions and can potentially exacerbate already stressful mental health conditions. 

Perhaps, we can reach out to people who may not fit within our little groups and as we do so we set an example for our children that everyone is deserving of acceptance. 

Perhaps, as we seek out people who may not fit our little molds or cliques we may find that someone needs us more than we know.

Perhaps, we will be rewarded in ways we can not imagine as that person brings a new perspective to our lives.

Perhaps, we can seek out help for those that need it around us. Perhaps, we can eliminate a tragedy now, or twenty years down the road, as we offer a safety net or encourage acceptance and healthy self-esteem among those in our community.

Perhaps, I am way off base but I see a lot of parallels between bullying and the isolation it causes and the isolation that seems to be present in most, if not all, of the shooters lives.  Perhaps.

My heart goes out to ALL involved in the shooting incident in Tucson, AZ. It is my sincere hope that all with be met with healing and peace.  I hope that those victims still in the hospital, and Gabrielle Giffords, continue to heal physically and will heal emotionally from this tragic, life changing event.

Perspective and Prejudice.

The other day I took my children to the Wisconsin Veteran’s Museum. It wasn’t out of some patriotic need to see the museum, but rather, it was stifling outside, and the museum is free.

Located on the first floor of a building, directly across the street from the Wisconsin State Capitol, the museum possesses many collections of war memorabilia from various conflicts throughout American history.  I wasn’t sure what we would find, and how I would feel about the experience. I feel it is important for my children to learn about conflict, and the consequences,  so there we were. Standing in front of cannons, tanks, ammunition, and weapons of untold number, I realized how bloody our American past has been. Not that other countries don’t have equally bloody pasts, but I do not live there.

I thought about all the conflicts, and wondered if they were avoidable. I fielded questions from my children about the weapons, and the mannequins with blood on them. I paused as I saw pictures of veterans who had lost their lives from Wisconsin in the current conflict.

I can’t explain how I felt that day accurately, other than I was embarrassed to explain to my children why so many people couldn’t get along. When asked “why did so many people die?”  I couldn’t really answer, because I am not sure that the conflicts required so much violence.   Maybe they did, maybe they didn’t.

As uncomfortable and as somber as the experience made me feel, nothing compared to what happened next.

A family, obviously containing several generations, came into one area of the museum. Standing before me, in front of the exhibits housing Korean, Vietnam and World War II memorabilia, was a family of Asian descent.  I wasn’t sure of their exact origin, and I assumed they were visiting, or first generation citizens, because most of their conversations were in a different dialect. Not being an expert, I couldn’t be sure of which one.

Immediately, I was nervous. I was nervous not because I had some patriotic predisposed anger after viewing the memorabilia, but instead because I was embarrassed.  I was embarrassed, because I did not know what the exhibits would mean to them. I wanted nothing more than to ask them how viewing the exhibits made them feel. I wanted to know how their perception of history differed from mine. I wanted to do nothing more than talk with them.  I wanted to find out what they felt caused the conflict, and what could be done in the future.

Sadly, I was the only one. Several other visitors immediately left the area. There was whispering, and dirty looks.

How can we begin to solve problems if we immediately pass judgement on others? How can we assume that the other visitors were not citizens? How can we assume what they feel?  (Of course I realize that I am assuming that the other visitors left because of the apparent origin of the newest visitors however it would seem that they did try to hide it)

What does this have to do with Kindergarten bullying?

Nothing specifically, other than my children did not show the same distrust or displeasure toward people with differences.  They were not rude or disrespectful. They didn’t feel the need to leave, or whisper. They kept looking at the exhibits as though nothing was amiss, as they should have. It was clear to me that children are not immediately distrustful of their peers.

Do children pass judgement on their peers only because of images and attitudes held by their parents? It would seem so to me. What do you think?

When one word means many things…

Religion. Faith. Patriotic. Peace. Freedom. Independence. Respect. Tolerance. God.

All of these words, when asked, will elicit a different definition from people. Some may become very serious, and deliver an emotional soliloquy . Others, a terse dictionary definition.

Try it sometime. Ask your friends what these words mean to them. Be ready for an argument.  Your definition of these words is likely not the same as those around you.  Even the closest church group will produce different definitions.

Wait a minute. A dictionary definition is the only correct answer.  End of story. Right?

Wrong. We are all different. All these words, and many others, mean different things to each of us. Often, words like these will produce heartfelt, serious, emotionally charged definitions.

How then can we seek to meet in the middle, if we can’t even agree on simple words? 

There is no simple answer, other than we must. We must realize that we each offer a different perspective. If simple words produce different meanings, certainly, other things must too.

Our definition is not right, or wrong, just different.

Celebration of risks taken

Today is a big day around our house. We have planned all summer for this event and now it is here.  Food is ordered, about to be cooked. Bounce house on the way. Check. Tent, Cotton Candy Machine. Check.

Sounds like a circus, right? Sometimes it is, but it is the best little circus a person could imagine, and we call it home.

You may remember I wrote about my wonderful neighbors, I talked about our great community. I can’t help but share with everyone I know, how wonderful it is to live where we do.

Today we get to share with each other, today we get to share with the neighbors that we haven’t really gotten to know quite yet.

Today we are having a Community Cookout. Dishes are being passed. We are all chipping in for a bounce house, cotton candy, and a large tent. One neighbor, Miss Bunny, has generously provided the children with a Balloon Guy, to entertain and delight with twisted balloon animals, hats, swords, and other latex friends.

Today we get to celebrate the work we put in all year-long.
Work? Work you say? Living somewhere takes work?
Absolutely! It is certainly easier for any of us to stick to ourselves, to find peace and comfort in our own homes, to not take time to meet, and know, our neighbors.
Easier. But not better. I have been blessed by the people I have met. Each person, different from the next, has made my life better by just being them.
Today I get to thank them for making my life better. Today, I might get to meet new people. Today, I get to celebrate the diversity, and difference, and circus that my life sometimes is.

Did I mention that the residents aren’t the only people who find community valuable, but that the complex owner, who owns a considerable amount of properties finds our community valuable too? He let us dig up his yard to make a garden, bought us rain barrels, picnic tables, and is now supplying a bulk of the food and supplies for our party.
We are truly blessed here. It didn’t just happen. We didn’t get this wonderful community without work, tears, laughter, and smiles.
We made it happen. You can too. Take the time to talk to people. Introduce yourself, several times, if need be. Help with groceries. Find out what people do. Learn about their lives. Be a friend. You’ll be glad you did.
We are. Today we celebrate the risks we have taken, and today we reap more of the rewards.

Today, I hope you are blessed by those around you. Today, I hope that you take risks. The rewards are far greater that you can imagine.

How do we teach our children acceptance?

There is, of course, no easy answer. It is hard to accept difference. We easily become set in our ways and often find ourselves seeking out those with whom we share similar interests and beliefs.

The fact of the matter is if we seek to surround ourselves with sameness, if we are afraid of difference, if we believe that those who are different have nothing to offer, so will our children.

I have said before that parenting is a teaching experience, and you may wonder what I mean by that. For me parenting is not about being my child’s best friend, though I do want them to feel comfortable confiding in me, trusting me, and enjoying my company. For me, it is about allowing them the opportunity to make choices and mistakes. For me, it is about assisting them as they set out on a journey called life, and it’s about giving them tools to help along the way. Sometimes, it means they will fail. Sometimes, it means there will be tears. Sometimes, I will not like their choices. 

Andrea Patten, author of What Kids Need to Succeed says it best. “We are not raising children, but future adults. “

Woa! Wait a minute, what do you mean we are not raising children. It means that if we are rasing children, they will always be children. We know that is not the case. Someday they will leave the comfort, and security, and confines of our homes. What it means is, we must give them the skills to grow into successful adults.

What does that mean when it comes to acceptance?

Everyone knows that the teenage years are often filled with rebellion. Teenagers often seek out the extreme opposite of what they see much of their life. Why not expose them to many people, cultures, and lives, so that they can make their own choices without pulling away?

The fact is that if children see diversity, without judgement or disrespect, they will not only learn to treat everyone with respect they might not seek the extreme when the time comes. It is possible to expose children to difference, and say “while I don’t necessarily chose that path for myself, it is that person’s choice to live as they do, it does not make them any less human or less deserving of respect”.  If we actively seek diversity for our children; if we share opportunities for new people, cultures and friendships, they will not only learn, by example , that all people are to be respected, we might just make some new friends along the way.

 We all want what is best for our children. We all hope they make choices that match our beliefs . Sometimes we try so hard to shelter and protect them that the minute they are able to make some choices for themselves, they fight back, and we wonder where we have gone wrong.

Isn’t it better to show them acceptance, tolerance, and loving attitudes from the start?

Phoebe Prince’s father focuses on forgiveness?

In a recent post by Boston Globe Staff Phoebe Prince’s father is quoted as saying he would ask for leniency if the bullies accused in his daughter’s bullying suicide case apologized.

Can you imagine? The pain he experienced this year must be horrific, and yet, he seeks to forgive.

His example is one that we all must  follow. After all, each of us makes mistakes. We all say and do things we regret. Our actions, though we may not intend to hurt people, sometimes do. Occasionally we act impulsively. Sometimes our motivations are unclear, even to us. Sometimes, we behave poorly, and wish we could take back our actions. Sometimes all we want is to be forgiven.

Jeremy Prince, phoebe’s father, suggested he would ask for “total leniency” if the teens involved admitted what they had done.

Can we not learn from his pain, and his example?  Can people learn from their mistakes and see the opportunity that sometimes arises from unfortunate incidents?  I hope so.

If the south Hadley teens are forgiven and allowed to move forward with their lives perhaps they will see how their actions affected so many others. Perhaps their anger and hatred will produce positive changes in them, and those around them. Perhaps they will seek to set an example and share their experience so that others may see how bullying is more than just children behaving badly.
Perhaps they will use their experience to help others. Assuming they are guilty, if they do not seek forgiveness, and move forward with anger, it is not only Phoebe’s life that lost that day.

I sincerely hope that the children involved, and their parents, can all work toward forgiveness. Perhaps we can all learn something from this tragedy.

How can we stop bullying?

Yesterday I wrote about the lessons your child will learn in school this year. I wrote about trying to make sure the lessons they learn include how they treat others. I don’t write these things because I presume that I am perfect at interpersonal relations, far from it in fact.

Growing up, I was picked on something fierce. I was sensitive, and often worried about what others thought, still do in fact. I had some close friends but I was always unsure what people were looking for. All I really wanted was for everyone to get along. I am still that way. I still think that each person, no matter how different has something to offer the world.

Many people who know me would say I am loud, sometimes abrasive, opinionated, passionate, vocal, unfiltered, brash, and I am sure many more adjectives would come to mind.

The truth is I am probably all of those things, but I am also sensitive, caring, forgiving, generous, and much more.

The point I am trying to make here is that we are all different. We all have qualities that others may not like from time to time. We make choices that others do not like and none of us is perfect.  

Many people wonder how can we stop bullying. Should we start programs, make laws, or start a list of offenders?   Maybe all these things, I suppose. In reality I don’t think that any of these things will work on their own.

What I do think will work is for all of us to accept a little humility. To realize that none of us is perfect. To understand that to stop bullying we must look within ourselves.

Each day we make mistakes, each day we are not perfect, each day we must start anew and work toward developing better relationships with the people around us. We must reach out to people whom we may not easily identify. We must look to make connections with people who are different from us and we must all serve as an example.

The first step to stopping bullying is to understand that old saying about living in glass houses, and casting stones.  We must try harder, be better, and try and try again to” be the change you want to see in the world” (Gandhi).  (If you are not a fan of Gandhi, there are many other similar quotes that mean the same thing- insert your own favorite here or feel free to share yours)

I know I am not perfect, are you?

Coexist, what does it mean?

Maybe you have seen them, the bumper stickers that say COEXIST in various religious symbols? For me it is not just about religion, although, that is a major part of it.

For me it is about The Commons. We all share this marvelous place called Earth, and we each have a stake in its survival. Each of us deserve to live healthy lives, and none of us deserve that more, or less, than another.

I belive in the concept of coexistence and sharing the place where we live peacefully. So much so, that I recently got a tattoo to symbolize it.

While the tattoo uses religious symbols bordering a peace sign, it serves to symbolize the human need to embrace difference.

It is my strong belief that each of us is able to understand that we are all different, and each of us could be excluded from the group for various reasons. After all, not everyone likes everything we do, and certainly not one of us is perfect. It is because of our imperfections that we must realize humility and understand that no one person is better than another. We have all made mistakes, we are all flawed. If we teach our children acceptance and tolerance at the most basic level we may eventually know peace, until then we have nothing.

Bullying starts with difference. If we pick and choose what differences are unacceptable rather than beginning to accept all differences we will continue to have a problem.

I don’t believe there is any one of us who hopes their children end up in a war, or gang violence, a victim of workplace or school yard bullying. If that is in fact true, than it is up to US to change the way we perceive difference, and this includes religion, and appearances, economic diversity, and ethnic diversity.

For me, my hope is that we can agree to COEXIST in the Commons, respecting each other, and the planet.

Bullying of a different shade

Perhaps you will find this post unrelated to bullying. Perhaps you will find it far-fetched. Perhaps you will think I am seeking to find a connection that doesn’t exist.

I have written many times before about my belief that small bullies grow to be large bullies. That bullying is part of a larger world problem than simply exists in schools. That bullying is somehow connected to peace in the world, and world leaders unable to negotiate disputes. That bullying is related to gang violence and war. That bullying is related to domination of people and women.

In the past I have contributed to an organization called MADRE. This month I received a plea for donations, as I do every month it seems, and with it, a letter arrived containing a story of exploitation. A story of a young girl forced to be a child soldier.

Around the world, children are forced to become child soldiers for a cause that is not their own. What child would choose to take up arms and die for drugs, or territory, or ethnic cleansing?  I doubt any.

I have said before that we live in a culture of violence, a world where bullying of others is somehow acceptable. Children who learn to bully and dominate others, learn it is acceptable and use it as adults. Round and round the cycle goes.

A quote from the letter goes like this

“So I would just hang out and these hooded guys passed by me and called me names. They put me on a list for ‘social cleansing’. I was grouped with the ‘trash of the neighborhood’.”

When I read the letter and the quote I though how dissimilar the girl’s situation seemed from any victim of bullying. After all, victims are usually sought out based on their perceived, or actual,  weakness.

I share this story, and my thoughts with you now, because my pursuit of bullying reaches much farther than our schools. To me, bullying is seen almost anywhere we look. Certainly schools, but also workplaces, city streets, boardrooms, international negotiations, world relations. 

Are there any other places where you can see bullying?