Political Provocation?

 

Controversial Map from Sarah Palin‘s Facebook page

Many people are claiming that the responsibility for Saturday’s horrific mass shooting in Tucson Arizona belongs with Sarah Palin and her camp for placing a map on Facebook page last year designating Democrats who had voted for the controversial health care bill with a symbol eerily similar to the crosshairs of a gun.  Some people think that Jesse Kelly’s pre-election event where he encouraged people to come shoot an M16 with him to raise funds to ‘remove Gabrielle Giffords from office”.

I suspect that at this point both people involved are regretting those situations. I belive that the actions of Sarah Palin and Jessie Kelly were, at the very least,  irresponsible and a poor example of how we should be treating each other.

As is the case with most tragedies, journalists immediately jumped on the chance to blame someone.  Name calling and attempts at isolating and ostracizing those on the opposite side were almost immediate.  Bickering and public shaming  continue days later, even as the victim’s funerals begin.

In reality, both sides have made some pretty poor choices. It turns out that at one point Democrats have used a map with archery targets marking areas that Democrats could win.
Apparently, President Obama has quoted The Untouchables, stating, “If they bring a knife to the fight, we bring a gun.”

It seems that words and actions can cause an awful lot of regret. We often say things we don’t mean and we certainly don’t expect for things like Saturday’s shooting to happen.  Does that mean that politicians are responsible for the alleged actions of Jared Loughner?

Certainly not. The young man seems to have exhibited many of the symptoms associated with schizophrenia and while he may not purse an insanity defense, he likely had some mental health issues.  He is the only one responsible for his actions. 

Politicians are not responsible, but their inability to seek common political ground is damaging our country, no matter how you look at it. Whether in their example as role models or the lack of compromising progress in Washington, politicians are damaging our country.

In my opinion, the scenario and political climate reeks of bullying and seems no different from a high school hallway or classroom. When we vote for these people we are just as culpable for the disharmony that exists in our country as they are.  The question is, what are we going to do about it?

Isolation

Image via Wikipedia

Many of you already know that I am a former juvenile corrections officer. “Youth counselor” was my official term because the state where I worked wanted to soften the blow and image of children being in prison. Sadly, it was a prison. There was a razor wire fence and half way through my tenure there, an electric fence was added.  I can’t imagine calling it anything less than a prison.

I bring that up now because, like many of you, I am disturbed by the mass shooting in Tucson, AZ this weekend. My work in the prison allowed me to see differences in human behaviors  and become interested in possible “causes”. That incident, like many violent outbursts seen across the United States, and rarely, elsewhere have seem to have one thing in common. Each of the alleged assailants seem to live in isolation. Whether self-imposed, imagined, or socially isolated they all appear to be on the fringe. As they live on the fringe they seek acceptance wherever they can get it. Nowadays, that is likely the internet where similarly isolated people can join and share their ideas. Ideas,  that often are more and more radical, more and more isolatory in nature, more and more oppositional to what they see as they problems with the culture they may have been rejected from.

Why do I write about this here? On a blog for bullying, particularly as it exists in early childhood?

I write about here because I notice similarities in the victims of bullying and the eventual perpetrators to these crimes.  I am not making excuses for them, mind you. I just notice that both suffer from the same sort of isolation, and need to find acceptance. The difference is that  young children are not always able to seek out acceptance in the radical fringes of the internet. 

I bring it up because I feel it is even more important to be aware when our children are facing isolation, or perhaps encouraging it among their peers.  If conditions are right, isolation from the group can cause adverse reactions and can potentially exacerbate already stressful mental health conditions. 

Perhaps, we can reach out to people who may not fit within our little groups and as we do so we set an example for our children that everyone is deserving of acceptance. 

Perhaps, as we seek out people who may not fit our little molds or cliques we may find that someone needs us more than we know.

Perhaps, we will be rewarded in ways we can not imagine as that person brings a new perspective to our lives.

Perhaps, we can seek out help for those that need it around us. Perhaps, we can eliminate a tragedy now, or twenty years down the road, as we offer a safety net or encourage acceptance and healthy self-esteem among those in our community.

Perhaps, I am way off base but I see a lot of parallels between bullying and the isolation it causes and the isolation that seems to be present in most, if not all, of the shooters lives.  Perhaps.

My heart goes out to ALL involved in the shooting incident in Tucson, AZ. It is my sincere hope that all with be met with healing and peace.  I hope that those victims still in the hospital, and Gabrielle Giffords, continue to heal physically and will heal emotionally from this tragic, life changing event.

What can forgiveness do for you?

A very loyal reader, Fritzie, posted a comment earlier today to my post Phoebe Prince’s Father Focuses on Forgiveness? and shared a story about a woman faced with a choice. Katy Hutchinson experienced tragedy. Her husband, left their home one night to check on their neighbor’s property when a party broke out while they were away. he never returned. One of the teenage party goers took his life and Katy was left alone with two children.

In this video Katy herself speaks about the choice she made the night of her husband’s death, and how her life, and many others, are now positively altered by forgiveness. 

Katy has not only forgiven the teen, she has forged a relationship based on the power of forgiveness. Watch the video, I promise it will make you think, and you may just find yourself asking how can forgiveness work for me?

Thanks Fritzie, for your contribution and dedication.

Coexist, what does it mean?

Maybe you have seen them, the bumper stickers that say COEXIST in various religious symbols? For me it is not just about religion, although, that is a major part of it.

For me it is about The Commons. We all share this marvelous place called Earth, and we each have a stake in its survival. Each of us deserve to live healthy lives, and none of us deserve that more, or less, than another.

I belive in the concept of coexistence and sharing the place where we live peacefully. So much so, that I recently got a tattoo to symbolize it.

While the tattoo uses religious symbols bordering a peace sign, it serves to symbolize the human need to embrace difference.

It is my strong belief that each of us is able to understand that we are all different, and each of us could be excluded from the group for various reasons. After all, not everyone likes everything we do, and certainly not one of us is perfect. It is because of our imperfections that we must realize humility and understand that no one person is better than another. We have all made mistakes, we are all flawed. If we teach our children acceptance and tolerance at the most basic level we may eventually know peace, until then we have nothing.

Bullying starts with difference. If we pick and choose what differences are unacceptable rather than beginning to accept all differences we will continue to have a problem.

I don’t believe there is any one of us who hopes their children end up in a war, or gang violence, a victim of workplace or school yard bullying. If that is in fact true, than it is up to US to change the way we perceive difference, and this includes religion, and appearances, economic diversity, and ethnic diversity.

For me, my hope is that we can agree to COEXIST in the Commons, respecting each other, and the planet.

Martial Arts, Spanking, and Bullying

Awhile back, someone contacted me and he claimed he had the absolute best “Bully Solution”.  I agreed to look over his product and if I thought it was helpful I would share it with my readers.

Needless to say I did not. Not because it wasn’t well thought out. Not because it was poorly done. I didn’t share it because I have a hard time advocating violence. Of any kind.   Focused on martial arts training his product encouraged empowerment, discipline, and , as a last resort, a physical response.

I understand that Martial Arts offers much more than a violent response. I understand it is about concentration, personal control, balance, empowerment, and much, much more.  I just don’t think that offering a violent response to a problem is helpful.

Spanking was a pretty standard behavioral tool at one time my childhood was not without many a swats on the behind.   Sadly, I too, have employed this strategy on a very, very rare occasion. Not because I like it, not because I feel like it is the right thing to do, but sadly I have been in a situation where I felt it was a last resort. Each time I regretted it. Each time I wished that I had not felt like it was an option. Each time it was almost a reflex.  A dangerous situation, or something severe had precipitated it. Each time I wondered about the lesson I was teaching?  Each time I vowed to never repeat it.

Image courtesy of BabyCenter.com

Why do I connect spanking and marital Arts? Because when push comes to shove in matters like bullying I think that a  physical learned response is harmful to everyone involved and does not change anything.

I think there is reason to believe that if  equipped with a violent response than violence becomes natural. Maybe it is innate already, but I do not think there is any reason to encourage it.

In my time in juvenile corrections I saw children who insisted they were only defending themselves. Lack of funds, or a lack of understanding in judicial in legal processes often left these children unable to defend themselves in court.

My question is not whether you believe spanking is okay, although I would love to hear more about people’s opinions on that.

My question is, do you believe encouraging a violent response is acceptable for any reason and why?
Do you know martial arts? Do you urge your child to take part in martial arts? Do you believe it is possible to live, and teach, without using physical aggression on any level?

Perhaps my thoughts are far-fetched, but to me there is a connection. I am curious to hear what you think.

Bully Beatdown

Now I do not expect to turn on the television and find programs containing redeeming social value. I don’t. We don’t even have cable anymore, which is exactly why I was unaware there was a show called Bully Beatdown on MTV.   

Even if I did have cable I would certainly never look to MTV to raise my morals, or teach me anything. Nothing of value anyway.   

I know, there are those who would say otherwise, and if I had a teenager or someone in my home who would be tempted to watch the channel, I would spend some time making myself acquainted. Instead it is just easier to remove it from our home altogether, and I am glad we have.   

Bully Beatdown is, apparently, a program dedicated to revenge. Violence, and revenge. According to the program summary available on the website a victim is able to contact the show, and a trained martial arts athlete determines whether the bully deserves a ‘beatdown’.   

 

If said bully does deserve a ‘beatdown’  there is a match set up between the bully and some fighter.  I say set up like it is scheduled, but the summary claims the bully is “ambushed” or “called out” and offered a challenge. If the bully refuses, he looks like a wimp.Ostensibly the bully learns a lesson and a public act of revenge takes place.   

Fantastic. I can only imagine what lesson this is teaching the children who watch the show. Children or adults for that matter.    

There are those that say that television is free speech and I’m inclined to agree, however, I am beginning to tire of the  programming, especially “reality’ programming that encourages violence.   

After all, if a person were to set up a match such as those described for the show(ie. ‘ambush’ someone), is it not assault?  When are we going to draw a line between entertainment and criminal behavior? How much is too much?   

What do you think of programming like Bully Beatdown? Have you seen it? Are there other similar shows? Do you have similar shows in your country?

Guilty…or not

Innocent until proven guilty. Dynamic words. In the United States the concept is relatively universal. Nearly everyone has heard those words, nearly everyone has an image, sometimes powerful, of what those words mean to them.

To me, they are part of what makes me love my country.  Innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. The burden of proof lies with the prosecution and, should a jury find a person not guilty, they cannot be tried a second time for the same crime.  At least that is my novice understanding.

What if the accused publicly admits the crime? Even apologizes and agrees to restitution. Case closed, right?

Not quite.

Do you remember awhile back I wrote about a boy who was forcibly tattooed, with vulgar words and images, on his backside?

One of the teens involved, Travis Johnston, apologizes a few days after the incident. He doesn’t call the victim and apologize privately, so that no one else knows. He makes a public declaration of guilt, apologizes, and agrees to restitution. He says he will accept the consequences for his actions.

One would think the court day would arrive, Travis Johnston would stand in front of the judge, proclaim his guilt, get his sentence and restitution, and move on with his life. He wouldn’t waste the court’s time, after all, there is a public declaration, right?

Wrong. Travis Johnston, has pled not guilty.

Now I do not know about you, but I believe in the court system. I really believe that everyone is innocent until proven guilty. I believe that the media  makes it hard for a person to get a fair trial because they effectively judge a person and present evidence, long before a person sees the judicial process in action.

I believe that people are sometimes pressured by police to make false confessions. It happens a lot, more than I would care to see, actually.
Travis Johnston was not pressured by police, maybe his mother, but not police. Now, he goes into court and says not guilty. His mother has changed her story a bit too, saying her son has “more disabilities” than the victim, and the victim agreed to it.

I would like to make it clear, there are of course other aspects of the story that I know nothing about.

Perhaps the boy did “agree” to being tattooed.  Perhaps the media has skewed the  story one way, and there is a different side, unseen to the public. Happens all the time.

BUT. and this is a really big BUT.  Travis Johnston admitted his part voluntarily on camera. His mother allowed video cameras in their home. 

Maybe Travis  was bullied by his mother to speak up?

Possibly.

Ultimately, a fourteen year old is not legally able to consent to a tattoo in most places. And I do not believe, for one second, that anyone would ‘consent’ to being tattooed with ” Poop D*ck”, ever.

I do not know how Travis Johnston plans to present any sort of defense against the charges after his very public admission. I wondered it then, and I wonder it now. 

I do know is this is still the most disturbing case of “bullying” I have heard of in a long time.

Modeling for your Kids- What you can do to help stop violence~

No, I am not talking about playing dress-up. I am speaking about modeling communication.

I have mentioned before how important I think it is to be a role model, but it turns out modeling communication is an important part of reducing violence.

A friend sent me a resource page with near one hundred bullying resources on it. I plan to get them all up on the resource section of this blog in short time, but I wanted to organize it a bit better so everyone has easy access to the information.

In the mean time I thought this article about modeling proper communication as a way of reducing violence was important.

The information comes from the United States Department of Health and Human Services-Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration and it is called 15+ Make time to Listen, Time to Talk

The text version follows but a printable PDF version is available, the link follows at the bottom of this page.

Nurture

Show love and concern

• Every day, tell your child you love him/her.
• Show affection daily with a hug, a kiss, and/or a touch.
• Make time for special family fun activities.
• Meet your child’s friends to ensure he/she has positive influences.

Emotions

Understand – don’t take a stand

Children who don’t know how to control their anger are more likely to fight. Teach children how to calm down and talk over their problems. Tips for keeping cool and solving a problem:

• Keep in mind that anger is real, but it usually goes away.
• To calm down, think about or do things you enjoy.
• Once you have calmed down, think about the problem with a clear head.
• Take steps to solve the problem.

Communication

Is a two-way street

Children who have good communication with their parents are more likely to ask for their advice than turn to peers. When talking to your child, always remember to:

• Listen to your child.
• Find out what your child knows about violence and how to prevent it before you start talking.
• Let your child know he/she can always talk to you about anything.

RESPECT

Find out what it means to me

Many youth fight because they feel disregarded and, as a result, feel angry, humiliated, or embarrassed. To stay violence-free, respect means:

• Give respect so you may get respect.
• Stand up for yourself without putting yourself in danger.
• Discuss ways to solve problems without fighting.
• Respect is not gained by physical force or intimidation, but by the quality of your character.
• Fighting doesn’t solve a problem or get you respect.

Education

Everyone benefits

Take interest in your child’s education and development:

• Read to your child and encourage your child to read.
• Meet with your child’s teachers often and learn about your child’s progress.
• Review homework and tests.
• Set short- and long-term educational goals together and help your children reach their goals.
• Encourage your child to participate in an after-school program.
• Give your child household responsibilities/chores.
• Children who aren’t interested in school, who have friends who use alcohol/drugs, and who are not bound by rules are more likely to use alcohol/drugs.
• Let your child know you disapprove of drug use, including alcohol, and WHY.

Peaceful solutions …another way

How to get your way without fighting:

• Talk clearly and calmly. State the problem and your desire to solve it without fighting.
• Humor—Make fun of the problem.
• Compromise—Both give up something and get something.
• Avoid/ignore—Sometimes it’s not worth the bother.
• Remember, it takes more guts and self-respect to walk away from a fight than to fight.

Bullying… NO WAY

Prevent your child from becoming a VICTIM:

• Instill self-confidence in your child.
• Help your child establish good social skills.
• Teach your child to speak out for him or herself.
• Teach your child to seek, if harassed, help from you and other caring adults.
• Try to meet with the bully to work things out. If the problem continues,call for a meeting of all those involved.

Prevent your child from becoming a BULLY:

• Present yourself as a model of nonviolent behavior.
• Clearly state that violence is not acceptable.
• Assist your child in finding nonviolent strategies for anger management and conflict resolution.
• Seek help from mental health/school counselors to help stop bullying and aggressive behavior.

Gangs are not family

Many youth join gangs looking for affection. Gangs only look out for their own interests and forget about yours. Gangs are violent…they intimidate, hurt, and kill people. Gangs lead to self-destruction.

GUNS…Not the Solution

• The presence of guns can turn conflicts into violent confrontations resulting in serious injury or death.
• Guns are more likely to kill a friend or family member (unintentionally or through suicide) than an enemy.
• Parents-don’t own a gun; but if you do, store unloaded and uncocked in a locked place.
• Children should be taught not to touch or play with firearms.

SEEING VIOLENCE…Through a Child’s Eyes

Children who have seen violence are more likely to become involved in violence as victims or perpetrators. You can:

• Minimize your child’s exposure to violence.
• Tell your child that media violence is not real – it is glamorized, misleading, and fails to depict the real pain and suffering of the victims.
• Talk to your child about the violence he or she witnessed.
• If you see changes in your child, after they’ve witnessed a violent act, talk to a mental health professional.
• Some warning signs of emotional distress related to witnessing violence include sleeplessness, lack of appetite, lack of attention, anxiety, and frequent thoughts or flashbacks of the event.

Rules for quality time together

TEENS

• Don’t insult, shout, walk out or away…SHOW RESPECT.

PARENTS

• Don’t boss, preach, judge, or criticize…SHOW RESPECT.

FOR BOTH

• Spend more than 15 minutes each day together listening and talking.
• Don’t have outside interruptions.
• Don’t blame or try to defend anyone.
• DO MAKE one-on-one time SPECIAL.

Be a role model

• Warm family relationships protect children FROM violence and many other risky behaviors.
• Be aware that everything you do, your children see and do.
• Talk to them and, most important, listen to them.
• Spend valuable time with them that includes fun activities.
• Find out who their friends are and if they are a positive influence.
• Find out where they hang out and make sure it’s safe.
• Let them know you disapprove of fighting.
• Keep your children “drug and violence-free.”

The PDF Version of  15 plus make time to listen-time to talk or you may visit The US Department of Health and Human Services-Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.

Special Thanks to Megan for providing the list of links and information!

What happens when “kids being kids” goes to far?

For seventeen year old Raum Fox, life will never be the same. Bullied by peers, he no doubt wanted the harassment to end, but not the way it did. His mother wanted it to end too, but she could never have foretold how far the bullies would actually go to harass her son.

Bonfire Night or Guy Fawkes Night, a custom in the United Kingdom that is said to celebrate a failed terrorist attack on the Parliament in 1605, is celebrated by some with fireworks and bonfires. What happened in 2009 is hardly cause for celebration.

Three teenagers who had bullied Raum, and some say the neighborhood, tossed fireworks into the mailbox of Raum, and his mother’s, home. The house caught fire and while Raum made it out alive, his 59-year-old mother, Mary, did not.

Two of the teenagers were recently convicted of manslaughter and arson, the third had pleaded guilty of the charges prior to their convictions.

Certainly these boys, did not intend to kill anyone, or at least that is what we would hope.  The impulsiveness of  the teenage years got the best of them and now they sit convicted of a serious crime. They will not suffer as Raum will, but they and their families, will never experience life in the same way.

Children are impulsive. They rarely think of consequences in their entirety.  How can we, as a society, continue to allow bullying to stay in the realm of “child’s play”?  

Bullying is the potential criminal act of a child but no one wants to prosecute a child, so what do we do? How do we help them change their behavior? If we continue to allow the smaller acts of bullying, the impulsivity may eventually lead to more dangerous crimes.

As adults we can (one hopes) see the consequences of our actions. We know what would happen if we threw firecrackers into a mailbox, we learn cause and effect after years of experience.  Why are we not able to teach our children to be nicer to each other in the first place, instead of just letting them figure it out for themselves?

No parent wants to receive a call that their child has been bullied to the point of harm and no parent wants to receive a call that their impulsive child has just committed an act that will lock them away for a very long time. Worse yet no one wants to lose their child to an act of violence related to bullying.  Parents all want to help and protect their children. 

If that is the case, and I believe it is, then we must start with ourselves, and how we interact with each other. We must begin to see the influence we have on our children. Snide comments, spiteful behavior, catty remarks, rude and verbally aggressive media, violent media, and overall insensitivity to those around us, all have an effect on our children.  Maybe it is time to make a change.

Sources Teenage Bullies Guilty Of Firework Killing , Three arrested over Bonfire Night house blaze that killed grandmother after neighbours name suspects on Facebook, Guy Fawkes, or Bonfire Night.