What will it take?

Image via Wikipedia

Ok. So I don’t get to write as often as I like. I am swamped this semester, again, and although I think about the topic of bullying and how we treat each other often, I don’t get to share it here. I suppose that makes me no better than many other people who say, “It’s not my problem.”  I hope not, but I can’t help but think that I should be doing more.

This morning I went to church with my family. A church I like quite a lot because I belive they really do preach acceptance.  This morning, at our Family Service, the message of acceptance was shared loud and clear.

The Family Service is designed, as far as I  can tell, to make church an experience that children want to be involved in.  We have all seen the child sitting in the pews, eyes glazed over, wishing more than anything they were somewhere else.  Plenty of parents too. It isn’t like that at our church. The Family service is shortened to about a half an hour. Perfect for young children and their short attention spans. The content and sharing of Scripture is put in a context they can understand. There are often puppet shows,  and actors (often our pastors) dressed in costume sharing stories from the Bible in ways that children can relate to.  If that didn’t engage the children, they are often asked to sing, play instruments and share in the message in various ways.   The youth of our church really want to be there and youth activities always seem to be well attended. 

Today the message was for children and parents. In the process of sharing about the Ten Commandments, Pastor Scott took the time to talk about bullying.  He shared how important it is for peers to treat each other well and “sticks and stones really do hurt”. I couldn’t have been prouder when he took the time to discuss such an important problem.

It really is going to take everyone, and churches are a great place to start.  When community leaders take the time to say the problem needs attention, people begin to shift their focus. Oftentimes , bullying is looked at just kids being kids. Something that doesn’t really deserve a lot of attention. The time for that is passed, bullying is an epidemic.  From politics, to playgrounds, we must begin to treat our fellow humans better. Treat those as you would like to be treated shouldn’t be lip service, but a real way of life.

Thank you Pastor’s Scott and Paula for sharing the word.

Perspective and Prejudice.

The other day I took my children to the Wisconsin Veteran’s Museum. It wasn’t out of some patriotic need to see the museum, but rather, it was stifling outside, and the museum is free.

Located on the first floor of a building, directly across the street from the Wisconsin State Capitol, the museum possesses many collections of war memorabilia from various conflicts throughout American history.  I wasn’t sure what we would find, and how I would feel about the experience. I feel it is important for my children to learn about conflict, and the consequences,  so there we were. Standing in front of cannons, tanks, ammunition, and weapons of untold number, I realized how bloody our American past has been. Not that other countries don’t have equally bloody pasts, but I do not live there.

I thought about all the conflicts, and wondered if they were avoidable. I fielded questions from my children about the weapons, and the mannequins with blood on them. I paused as I saw pictures of veterans who had lost their lives from Wisconsin in the current conflict.

I can’t explain how I felt that day accurately, other than I was embarrassed to explain to my children why so many people couldn’t get along. When asked “why did so many people die?”  I couldn’t really answer, because I am not sure that the conflicts required so much violence.   Maybe they did, maybe they didn’t.

As uncomfortable and as somber as the experience made me feel, nothing compared to what happened next.

A family, obviously containing several generations, came into one area of the museum. Standing before me, in front of the exhibits housing Korean, Vietnam and World War II memorabilia, was a family of Asian descent.  I wasn’t sure of their exact origin, and I assumed they were visiting, or first generation citizens, because most of their conversations were in a different dialect. Not being an expert, I couldn’t be sure of which one.

Immediately, I was nervous. I was nervous not because I had some patriotic predisposed anger after viewing the memorabilia, but instead because I was embarrassed.  I was embarrassed, because I did not know what the exhibits would mean to them. I wanted nothing more than to ask them how viewing the exhibits made them feel. I wanted to know how their perception of history differed from mine. I wanted to do nothing more than talk with them.  I wanted to find out what they felt caused the conflict, and what could be done in the future.

Sadly, I was the only one. Several other visitors immediately left the area. There was whispering, and dirty looks.

How can we begin to solve problems if we immediately pass judgement on others? How can we assume that the other visitors were not citizens? How can we assume what they feel?  (Of course I realize that I am assuming that the other visitors left because of the apparent origin of the newest visitors however it would seem that they did try to hide it)

What does this have to do with Kindergarten bullying?

Nothing specifically, other than my children did not show the same distrust or displeasure toward people with differences.  They were not rude or disrespectful. They didn’t feel the need to leave, or whisper. They kept looking at the exhibits as though nothing was amiss, as they should have. It was clear to me that children are not immediately distrustful of their peers.

Do children pass judgement on their peers only because of images and attitudes held by their parents? It would seem so to me. What do you think?

Coexist, what does it mean?

Maybe you have seen them, the bumper stickers that say COEXIST in various religious symbols? For me it is not just about religion, although, that is a major part of it.

For me it is about The Commons. We all share this marvelous place called Earth, and we each have a stake in its survival. Each of us deserve to live healthy lives, and none of us deserve that more, or less, than another.

I belive in the concept of coexistence and sharing the place where we live peacefully. So much so, that I recently got a tattoo to symbolize it.

While the tattoo uses religious symbols bordering a peace sign, it serves to symbolize the human need to embrace difference.

It is my strong belief that each of us is able to understand that we are all different, and each of us could be excluded from the group for various reasons. After all, not everyone likes everything we do, and certainly not one of us is perfect. It is because of our imperfections that we must realize humility and understand that no one person is better than another. We have all made mistakes, we are all flawed. If we teach our children acceptance and tolerance at the most basic level we may eventually know peace, until then we have nothing.

Bullying starts with difference. If we pick and choose what differences are unacceptable rather than beginning to accept all differences we will continue to have a problem.

I don’t believe there is any one of us who hopes their children end up in a war, or gang violence, a victim of workplace or school yard bullying. If that is in fact true, than it is up to US to change the way we perceive difference, and this includes religion, and appearances, economic diversity, and ethnic diversity.

For me, my hope is that we can agree to COEXIST in the Commons, respecting each other, and the planet.

Bullying of a different shade

Perhaps you will find this post unrelated to bullying. Perhaps you will find it far-fetched. Perhaps you will think I am seeking to find a connection that doesn’t exist.

I have written many times before about my belief that small bullies grow to be large bullies. That bullying is part of a larger world problem than simply exists in schools. That bullying is somehow connected to peace in the world, and world leaders unable to negotiate disputes. That bullying is related to gang violence and war. That bullying is related to domination of people and women.

In the past I have contributed to an organization called MADRE. This month I received a plea for donations, as I do every month it seems, and with it, a letter arrived containing a story of exploitation. A story of a young girl forced to be a child soldier.

Around the world, children are forced to become child soldiers for a cause that is not their own. What child would choose to take up arms and die for drugs, or territory, or ethnic cleansing?  I doubt any.

I have said before that we live in a culture of violence, a world where bullying of others is somehow acceptable. Children who learn to bully and dominate others, learn it is acceptable and use it as adults. Round and round the cycle goes.

A quote from the letter goes like this

“So I would just hang out and these hooded guys passed by me and called me names. They put me on a list for ‘social cleansing’. I was grouped with the ‘trash of the neighborhood’.”

When I read the letter and the quote I though how dissimilar the girl’s situation seemed from any victim of bullying. After all, victims are usually sought out based on their perceived, or actual,  weakness.

I share this story, and my thoughts with you now, because my pursuit of bullying reaches much farther than our schools. To me, bullying is seen almost anywhere we look. Certainly schools, but also workplaces, city streets, boardrooms, international negotiations, world relations. 

Are there any other places where you can see bullying?

Are other ethnic customs cause for bullying?

Should people, when migrating to this country, leave all of their customs behind and assimilate into mainstream society seamlessly? Should they be allowed to keep their customs? Is it excusable for children to bully other ethnicities so they know their customs are not wanted here?

The following post was originally published by me on March 12, 2010. I am in the middle of Final exams, and my neighbors and I are starting a community garden, so my time is limited, sadly.

I feel like bullying for ethnic differences is something that worth discussing discussed. It is especially important as many people celebrate Cinco de Mayo, and some worry they may have to leave their newly found homes in Arizona. 

I would like to continue the discussion and share the following post I wrote:

Another blogger, with another ‘anti-bullying’ blog, wrote a post about a 12-year-old boy who had been bullied.

The family retained an attorney to press the school to do something about it. The school implemented increased bullying awareness measures. 

The blogger was dismayed that the school/district apparently appeared self-congratulatory about doing so.

The blogger then went on to say it should be noted the that boy and his family are traditional Muslims. The boy is excused for prayer each day and the family adheres to traditional Muslim dress. (Not all Muslim families adhere to the same customs, and depending on the area of origin there are variations).

Inferring that the child and his family are ‘isolating’ themselves by not “Melting” into the “Melting Pot” of America, has likely increased the bullying attacks and if the family wishes to protect themselves, they should “blend”. The author suggested that someone wearing a kilt might expect the same response.

What do you think?

I belive anyone who has read this blog, knows how I feel.  Please take the time to share your thoughts. I know there are people who have very visceral responses to this, please share them, I moderate all comments, so I can assure you, you will not be attacked here and have every right to share your opinion.

Restorative Justice in a Preschool

When I began working in a juvenile corrections center in 1998, I believed the purpose of juvenile corrections was to allow “offenders” an opportunity to change their lives.  After working there a short time I realized there were a lot of problems with my belief.  Many of the children I saw would leave, only to return a short while later. It was heart breaking. The system serves two purposes, to hold the youth accountable for their actions, and protect society. “Rehabilitation”, it seemed, was an afterthought.

One of the programs that did seem to work was Restorative Justice, it focused on the entire picture. Allowing the community to ‘heal’ from the crime, and helping the “offender’ understand their actions, how they felt, and how they affected the community.

Recently, I received an article about how one person was facilitating restorative practices in a preschool and I think the program offers amazing potential.

Marie Isabelle-Pautz, was a master’s candidate when she wrote the article and a pre-school teacher.  She facilitated “circles” with the children to encourage, and foster group resolution to problems and choices.

The children responded favorably and many students began requesting their own circles for problems unseen by adults. Older students, not in involved in the program, began using circles as a means of resolution too.

The activity begins with students gathering in a “circle”. One student receives a “talking piece” and the rest of the group recognizes the students rights to speak and respectfully remains quiet. When there is an interruption the child holding the talking piece reminds the others to think about whose turn to speak it is.

Circles are not just used for conflict resolution, but as a regular means of sharing and communicating.  Isabelle-Pautz witnessed students spontaneously using the circles when adults were not present, and anxiously recruiting adults unfamiliar with the process at other times.

Overall the experience was a resounding success and you can read more about it in short article.

What a fantastic idea, and another I cannot wait to try! Children solving their own problems through community interaction, I love it!  I think this could be really beneficial in our home too!

I hope today is amazing for you!
~Beth

Michael Pritchard: Lessons from the Heart | Edutopia

What happens when kids receive an opportunity to tell each other how bullying feels? Watch this amazing ten minute video of students talk about their feelings. It is one of the most moving, hopeful things I have ever seen. Children are given an open microphone to share with their peers and the outcome is astounding! Could something like this work in your school? 

Michael Pritchard: Lessons from the Heart | Edutopia.

Thanks to Sean M.Brooks for sharing this clip.

Priming Toddlers to be altruistic

When my kids start fighting, I automatically rush to separate them. I want them to learn to deal with their problems themselves, but I don’t want aggressiveness with each other. I used to say “How do you think it made your brother/sister feel, when you whacked them with that stick?” until a few days ago when I read the article for this post.

It turns out that I should not only be asking them how they feel when they whack their sibling, but that I might be able to show them pictures of kindness in action, and get a better response than the reluctant hug and apology I usually ask for.

According to an article available on Psychology Today toddlers are readily able to learn altruism, or kindness. The study described in the article had a researcher dropping sticks after the toddler viewed a series of pictures. The pictures showed images of figures standing close together, and apart. When the toddlers viewed the pictures with the figures closer together they were more likely to spontaneously help the researcher with the sticks.
The article references a similar adult study in 2003 that  primed adults with words like “friend” and “together”. The toddler study used only pictures.
The results imply that toddlers are not only more likely to aid a person unprompted, they little more than imagery, if prompted at all. If the researcher did not receive help immediately, she used phrases like “my sticks, they’ve fallen” after being unable to “reach’ them herself.
The toddlers were three times more likely to help spontaneously after viewing the pictures.

What does this mean? As I understand it, it means that toddlers are extremely capable of learning kindness when encouraged and ‘primed” with a little help.

If we were to focus our efforts, financial, educational, and parental, imagine what we could do. Extensive efforts at promoting kindness, generosity, and altruism, might just produce a kinder generation capable of tolerance and acceptance.

Smile a stranger today, and say hello, you’ll be surprised how easy it is!
~Beth

What WILL we do?

I believe it is easy to determine that WE are the problem with our children. Bullying is a cultural tradition. Passed through generations, cultivated and rewarded, it is fluid and changing but somehow remains pretty much the same.

Through adult behaviors, children learn how to act in social situations, and the examples we provide are more powerful than any ‘lesson’ we may give them.  “Do as I say, not as I do’ does not work, even though we may want it to.

Luckily, humans are capable of change.  People, parents, and children are capable of change.

How do we do that?

• We must treat our adult peers with respect at all times.
  • We do not need to agree with people, but we must be kind.
  • We do not have to like their hair, clothes, social actions, family situations, but we must be kind, and we must keep our opinions to ourselves.
  • We must do our very best to see the positive in people and our children need to hear it.
    • Children hear our negative thoughts and take a very “all or nothing” attitude.
    • Children are literal; they do not understand sarcasm or nuances.
  • We must show our children, by example, how we would like them to interact in the world.
  • We must choose to eliminate negative media as examples for our children.
  • We must “be the change we want in the world” ~Gandhi

All of these things will take time and are quite difficult.

I know, they are hard for me.  I  am a product of my culture, just like everyone is. Changing cultures takes time and determination.

 When I started this blog, I began to realize many things. One, my behavior contributes immensely to my children’s behavior.  I noticed that when I focus on positivity, my children respond with appropriate positive behavior, most of the time, and if they do not, they are much easier to redirect, and I feel less stressed throughout the day.

 I also noticed that I had been setting a negative example with my peers.  I was eager to point out differences, instead of beneficial qualities.  I,  now, focus on noticing positive traits in people, despite how I feel about someone.

When I focus on the positive, the negative fades quickly and I feel less stressed. This is not easy at first; I admit it. Although, once I began concentrating on parenting as a teaching experience, I realized little by little, what lessons I was actually teaching.

My friend Gina, shared this quote on her Facebook Page and I think it sums this up quite nicely

“Each new generation comes fresh, unspoiled, and eager for a life experience. If only we could surround them with a cultural environment, which would develop in them the love of beauty and comradeship and creative work, the world could be lifted swiftly to higher heights…” A.E. Haydon

Moms (and everyone) Opposed to Bullying (M.O.B)

Hello everyone!

I have been writing this blog for a little over a month and the response and support is amazing. I have begun to wonder what more we can do.

That is why my friends and I are working to start a Non-profit. We have never anything like this before and are just figuring out what to do.

Inspired in part by the story of Josie Ratley, bullying victim who has been hospitalized with near fatal injuries, and her family lacks insurance for her care.

Inspired in part by the family of Phoebe Prince, who has retained legal counsel in the death of their daughter.

Inspired by the thousands of children who may need mental health assistance and their families lack insurance or resources to acquire that (as we are unsure as to how the new insurance plan is written and will work).

We would like to form a fund that ensures these victims can at least receive some assistance for their struggle.  Legal, medical and mental health expenses can be an added burden on the families of victims and we would like to help. We would also like to offer assistance to local community projects aimed at creating a cohesive community environment for children.

We would like to work to raise awareness that these behaviors begin very early and the focus needs to be placed on proactive initiatives rather than reactive responses later in a child’s, or adult’s, life.

We would also like to be a place where parents and family members can turn for support, resources, and encouragement when dealing with the victimization of a child.

If you are interested in helping, we need your help.

If your child is being bullied you need a M.O.B. to stand behind you.

Please consider helping us reach our goal. You can email at kindergartenbully@att.net to find out more.

We are just starting out and are looking for assistance in any form including pro-bono legal advice, and advice on starting a non Profit.

You can be part of this chance to help change the life of a victim