Pink Shirt Day

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Today, two friends told me about their recent experience with bullying.

One of my best friends, who I have known for 23 years told me about her son fearfully shaking this morning as he told her he was scared to go to school. Another friend told me about how her co-workers child is experiencing bullying with little help from the school principal.

Sadly, these stories are not unique and the fact is that bullying is rampant in our society.

From very small children, where it begins, to adults in public office.  Many people know live in the great state of Wisconsin. For over 50 years the state has held a long tradition of union negotiation, protecting the rights of workers. Now those rights are under attack by a newly elected Governor, ill-equipped to compromise, preferring strong-arm tactics.

Both sides of the argument are in the process of name calling and bullying tactics.  One side has sought to bully the other into changes and is shocked when the other has decided to push back, effectively playing the same game by refusing to allow a vote. Clearly, both sides are bullying the other, and failing to negotiate is a horrible example of how things should work.  Sadly, that the Governor is trying to eliminate the right to negotiate is the most tragic tactic to come out of this political dispute but both sides have behaved poorly in many respects.

I would like to remind people, bullying begins in a child’s formative years and all examples that adults provide are quickly internalized as proper behavior, regardless of whether those are appropriate or not.

When a child is bullied on the playground we often tell them to fight back, and we certainly wouldn’t expect them to lay down and take a beating when faced with a fight, but to defend themselves given the circumstances.  The solution is to learn how to treat each other with respect and learn to negotiate and compromise with a clear head, avoiding the power abuse that is bullying.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011 is Pink Shirt Day, a day we stand together to fight against bullying by deciding we are no longer going to tolerate power abuse. We stand together silently to support the rights of children and people to be treated with respect. Remember to wear your PINK shirt, and remember that bullying begins with each of us and the examples we set for our children.

Here is a link for more information.

What will it take?

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Ok. So I don’t get to write as often as I like. I am swamped this semester, again, and although I think about the topic of bullying and how we treat each other often, I don’t get to share it here. I suppose that makes me no better than many other people who say, “It’s not my problem.”  I hope not, but I can’t help but think that I should be doing more.

This morning I went to church with my family. A church I like quite a lot because I belive they really do preach acceptance.  This morning, at our Family Service, the message of acceptance was shared loud and clear.

The Family Service is designed, as far as I  can tell, to make church an experience that children want to be involved in.  We have all seen the child sitting in the pews, eyes glazed over, wishing more than anything they were somewhere else.  Plenty of parents too. It isn’t like that at our church. The Family service is shortened to about a half an hour. Perfect for young children and their short attention spans. The content and sharing of Scripture is put in a context they can understand. There are often puppet shows,  and actors (often our pastors) dressed in costume sharing stories from the Bible in ways that children can relate to.  If that didn’t engage the children, they are often asked to sing, play instruments and share in the message in various ways.   The youth of our church really want to be there and youth activities always seem to be well attended. 

Today the message was for children and parents. In the process of sharing about the Ten Commandments, Pastor Scott took the time to talk about bullying.  He shared how important it is for peers to treat each other well and “sticks and stones really do hurt”. I couldn’t have been prouder when he took the time to discuss such an important problem.

It really is going to take everyone, and churches are a great place to start.  When community leaders take the time to say the problem needs attention, people begin to shift their focus. Oftentimes , bullying is looked at just kids being kids. Something that doesn’t really deserve a lot of attention. The time for that is passed, bullying is an epidemic.  From politics, to playgrounds, we must begin to treat our fellow humans better. Treat those as you would like to be treated shouldn’t be lip service, but a real way of life.

Thank you Pastor’s Scott and Paula for sharing the word.

Isolation

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Many of you already know that I am a former juvenile corrections officer. “Youth counselor” was my official term because the state where I worked wanted to soften the blow and image of children being in prison. Sadly, it was a prison. There was a razor wire fence and half way through my tenure there, an electric fence was added.  I can’t imagine calling it anything less than a prison.

I bring that up now because, like many of you, I am disturbed by the mass shooting in Tucson, AZ this weekend. My work in the prison allowed me to see differences in human behaviors  and become interested in possible “causes”. That incident, like many violent outbursts seen across the United States, and rarely, elsewhere have seem to have one thing in common. Each of the alleged assailants seem to live in isolation. Whether self-imposed, imagined, or socially isolated they all appear to be on the fringe. As they live on the fringe they seek acceptance wherever they can get it. Nowadays, that is likely the internet where similarly isolated people can join and share their ideas. Ideas,  that often are more and more radical, more and more isolatory in nature, more and more oppositional to what they see as they problems with the culture they may have been rejected from.

Why do I write about this here? On a blog for bullying, particularly as it exists in early childhood?

I write about here because I notice similarities in the victims of bullying and the eventual perpetrators to these crimes.  I am not making excuses for them, mind you. I just notice that both suffer from the same sort of isolation, and need to find acceptance. The difference is that  young children are not always able to seek out acceptance in the radical fringes of the internet. 

I bring it up because I feel it is even more important to be aware when our children are facing isolation, or perhaps encouraging it among their peers.  If conditions are right, isolation from the group can cause adverse reactions and can potentially exacerbate already stressful mental health conditions. 

Perhaps, we can reach out to people who may not fit within our little groups and as we do so we set an example for our children that everyone is deserving of acceptance. 

Perhaps, as we seek out people who may not fit our little molds or cliques we may find that someone needs us more than we know.

Perhaps, we will be rewarded in ways we can not imagine as that person brings a new perspective to our lives.

Perhaps, we can seek out help for those that need it around us. Perhaps, we can eliminate a tragedy now, or twenty years down the road, as we offer a safety net or encourage acceptance and healthy self-esteem among those in our community.

Perhaps, I am way off base but I see a lot of parallels between bullying and the isolation it causes and the isolation that seems to be present in most, if not all, of the shooters lives.  Perhaps.

My heart goes out to ALL involved in the shooting incident in Tucson, AZ. It is my sincere hope that all with be met with healing and peace.  I hope that those victims still in the hospital, and Gabrielle Giffords, continue to heal physically and will heal emotionally from this tragic, life changing event.

Being Thankful.

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For some people, Christmas is nearly here. Boxes, wrappings, and bows will clutter many homes, and are certain to clutter nearby landfills. (PLEASE recycle everything possible)
Families will get together and memories will be made.

In the United States there is a lot of time spent on the 25th of November ruminating about  things we are thankful for. For me, it seems like that being thankful should be a daily thing, no matter what religion you are or where you come from.  

I haven’t written in a long time because I was working hard in school. It was my last fall semester and I am very dedicated to my studies. I am thankful that I have a wonderful husband and children who allow and aid me in going to school by being tolerant of the hours and hours I spend on projects or studying. (Not to mention I have the most fantastic husband and children!)

Bad things can happen to anyone, at any time. We have no concept what tomorrow holds and life can change in the blink of an eye. It is important to tell the people that we care about how much we appreciate them, everyday.

Life gets busy and we get cranky and say things we don’t mean. Sometimes we don’t realize that our loved ones are going through a difficult spot. Maybe, they don’t want to worry us. Maybe, they don’t want to think about their problems. Maybe, they are too proud to share the pain they are feeling.

I write this thinking about all of those children who are on Christmas Holiday from school. Right now, their lives may be normal. Hopefully they have wonderful families and have a reprieve from studying and school work. Some children are grateful to have time away from school for other reasons. For some children, each day spent at school may be a torturous time, as they suffer abuse from their peers.

Please take this time with your families to be thankful. And if you have children off from school on break, take this time to be close and find out what their experience is. Find out if they miss their friends, or they are grateful to be away from school. Watch as the day they return to school gets closer, and watch for signs they are anxious about it.

This is a perfect time to assess your child’s well being, and a perfect time to reassure them they are loved.

In 2010 far too many children ended their lives thinking they were unloved, or they had no solutions to their problems. In the blink of an eye they were gone. If we all take this holiday time to appreciate those we love, maybe we will help someone through a rough time, maybe they will realize there are solutions, maybe they will realize that life is worth living.

Happy Holidays everyone. It doesn’t matter which one we celebrate, or if we celebrate any all.  Take this time to celebrate life and family.

50 Blog Posts Every Teacher Should Read

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I am proud to say that this blog has a place on a special list. 50 Blog Posts Every Teacher Should Read is a list produced by Michael Erins on his site Masters in Education.

The post, What can forgiveness do for you?, written July 31 2010, about Phoebe’s father’s wish to forgive the children involved in her suicide, was in response to the Phoebe Prince case, and in part, a post written earlier that day.

Thank you Mr. Erins for your dedication to teachers and for researching the 50 most important sites. I applaud your efforts.

As many of you know bullying is a crisis I care deeply about, despite my inability at this time to post as often as I would like.  I applaud efforts by educators to find new ways to deal with this age-old problem.

I mentioned awhile back I had spoken with my daughter’s principal about the lack of supervision on the playgrounds at her school. Two school days after that conversation the principal di send out an email to parents requesting volunteer supervision on the playground. It was a welcome email and when I returned to the school the following Friday there was a noticeable increase in parents choosing to attend lunch with their children. Recess seemed a little less chaotic and it is my opinion that adult presence simply reminds children of the rules even if the rules are unspoken. Kudos, to her principal!

Perhaps you can spend some time at recess with your children and help create a more visible adult presence. Children really enjoy it, and I am sure you will too.

Most bullying in schools occurs during unsupervised times like recess, class transitions, and bathroom breaks. Children cannot be watched every second of every day but if  more adults are present during recess perhaps the likelihood of bullying behavior will drop.

Isn’t it worth a try?

I hope you are having a wonderful week and I hope to have opportunity to write again soon. In the mean time please explore some of the helpful links I have provided on this site.

~Beth

When one word means many things…

Religion. Faith. Patriotic. Peace. Freedom. Independence. Respect. Tolerance. God.

All of these words, when asked, will elicit a different definition from people. Some may become very serious, and deliver an emotional soliloquy . Others, a terse dictionary definition.

Try it sometime. Ask your friends what these words mean to them. Be ready for an argument.  Your definition of these words is likely not the same as those around you.  Even the closest church group will produce different definitions.

Wait a minute. A dictionary definition is the only correct answer.  End of story. Right?

Wrong. We are all different. All these words, and many others, mean different things to each of us. Often, words like these will produce heartfelt, serious, emotionally charged definitions.

How then can we seek to meet in the middle, if we can’t even agree on simple words? 

There is no simple answer, other than we must. We must realize that we each offer a different perspective. If simple words produce different meanings, certainly, other things must too.

Our definition is not right, or wrong, just different.

Celebration of risks taken

Today is a big day around our house. We have planned all summer for this event and now it is here.  Food is ordered, about to be cooked. Bounce house on the way. Check. Tent, Cotton Candy Machine. Check.

Sounds like a circus, right? Sometimes it is, but it is the best little circus a person could imagine, and we call it home.

You may remember I wrote about my wonderful neighbors, I talked about our great community. I can’t help but share with everyone I know, how wonderful it is to live where we do.

Today we get to share with each other, today we get to share with the neighbors that we haven’t really gotten to know quite yet.

Today we are having a Community Cookout. Dishes are being passed. We are all chipping in for a bounce house, cotton candy, and a large tent. One neighbor, Miss Bunny, has generously provided the children with a Balloon Guy, to entertain and delight with twisted balloon animals, hats, swords, and other latex friends.

Today we get to celebrate the work we put in all year-long.
Work? Work you say? Living somewhere takes work?
Absolutely! It is certainly easier for any of us to stick to ourselves, to find peace and comfort in our own homes, to not take time to meet, and know, our neighbors.
Easier. But not better. I have been blessed by the people I have met. Each person, different from the next, has made my life better by just being them.
Today I get to thank them for making my life better. Today, I might get to meet new people. Today, I get to celebrate the diversity, and difference, and circus that my life sometimes is.

Did I mention that the residents aren’t the only people who find community valuable, but that the complex owner, who owns a considerable amount of properties finds our community valuable too? He let us dig up his yard to make a garden, bought us rain barrels, picnic tables, and is now supplying a bulk of the food and supplies for our party.
We are truly blessed here. It didn’t just happen. We didn’t get this wonderful community without work, tears, laughter, and smiles.
We made it happen. You can too. Take the time to talk to people. Introduce yourself, several times, if need be. Help with groceries. Find out what people do. Learn about their lives. Be a friend. You’ll be glad you did.
We are. Today we celebrate the risks we have taken, and today we reap more of the rewards.

Today, I hope you are blessed by those around you. Today, I hope that you take risks. The rewards are far greater that you can imagine.

How do we teach our children acceptance?

There is, of course, no easy answer. It is hard to accept difference. We easily become set in our ways and often find ourselves seeking out those with whom we share similar interests and beliefs.

The fact of the matter is if we seek to surround ourselves with sameness, if we are afraid of difference, if we believe that those who are different have nothing to offer, so will our children.

I have said before that parenting is a teaching experience, and you may wonder what I mean by that. For me parenting is not about being my child’s best friend, though I do want them to feel comfortable confiding in me, trusting me, and enjoying my company. For me, it is about allowing them the opportunity to make choices and mistakes. For me, it is about assisting them as they set out on a journey called life, and it’s about giving them tools to help along the way. Sometimes, it means they will fail. Sometimes, it means there will be tears. Sometimes, I will not like their choices. 

Andrea Patten, author of What Kids Need to Succeed says it best. “We are not raising children, but future adults. “

Woa! Wait a minute, what do you mean we are not raising children. It means that if we are rasing children, they will always be children. We know that is not the case. Someday they will leave the comfort, and security, and confines of our homes. What it means is, we must give them the skills to grow into successful adults.

What does that mean when it comes to acceptance?

Everyone knows that the teenage years are often filled with rebellion. Teenagers often seek out the extreme opposite of what they see much of their life. Why not expose them to many people, cultures, and lives, so that they can make their own choices without pulling away?

The fact is that if children see diversity, without judgement or disrespect, they will not only learn to treat everyone with respect they might not seek the extreme when the time comes. It is possible to expose children to difference, and say “while I don’t necessarily chose that path for myself, it is that person’s choice to live as they do, it does not make them any less human or less deserving of respect”.  If we actively seek diversity for our children; if we share opportunities for new people, cultures and friendships, they will not only learn, by example , that all people are to be respected, we might just make some new friends along the way.

 We all want what is best for our children. We all hope they make choices that match our beliefs . Sometimes we try so hard to shelter and protect them that the minute they are able to make some choices for themselves, they fight back, and we wonder where we have gone wrong.

Isn’t it better to show them acceptance, tolerance, and loving attitudes from the start?

Be part of the Solution-You ARE the key.

We talk a lot about empowering kids. Making our kids stronger so that they can resist life’s challenges, including bullies.  We speak about and ask ‘how can I help my child’? 

The sad fact of the matter is, if you are asking, your child already has an advantage. What about those children who don’t have parents concerned about their experience? What if the parents are children themselves? What if they live in poverty and both parents work? What if there are no parents but a stream of foster parents?

In truth these are the children that are at risk and I am going to say that few school programs and laws will be able to protect them from the lonely feeling they experience, and the risk factors that make them a target for bullying.

What do we do? Well, I believe that those of us that care about our children, and how they navigate through childhood  are responsible for ALL children.

What do I mean?

 I mean it is up to us to raise socially responsible children who are confident in themselves, who are kind and empathetic to peers, and who set examples for them. I mean we plan on living in a society that these children will someday live in and why not focus on the process instead of complain about the outcome.

How do we do that?

We encourage our children to, not only, empower themselves, but others. Through kindness to everyone, and especially those who are in situations that are unpleasant, and who have few resources upon which to draw, children can act as resources their peers may not have. They might a family and encouragement that is not readily available.

So can you. As an adult you are able to interact with your children’s peers and classmates. You can invite all of them to group activities. If you are financially challenged there are free activities everywhere. Sometimes children just need an adult to be there. They need people who care about them.

It is up to us to create the families and communities that are beneficial to our child,  but our children are not the only children who are in need. Other children are part of society and some day will be adults who we all will interact with. If we have a stake in the outcome why not contribute to the process?

You are a valuable person. You have a lot to offer. Why not share it with everyone around you?

Be part of the solution.  You are the key.

What can forgiveness do for you?

A very loyal reader, Fritzie, posted a comment earlier today to my post Phoebe Prince’s Father Focuses on Forgiveness? and shared a story about a woman faced with a choice. Katy Hutchinson experienced tragedy. Her husband, left their home one night to check on their neighbor’s property when a party broke out while they were away. he never returned. One of the teenage party goers took his life and Katy was left alone with two children.

In this video Katy herself speaks about the choice she made the night of her husband’s death, and how her life, and many others, are now positively altered by forgiveness. 

Katy has not only forgiven the teen, she has forged a relationship based on the power of forgiveness. Watch the video, I promise it will make you think, and you may just find yourself asking how can forgiveness work for me?

Thanks Fritzie, for your contribution and dedication.