Pink Shirt Day

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Today, two friends told me about their recent experience with bullying.

One of my best friends, who I have known for 23 years told me about her son fearfully shaking this morning as he told her he was scared to go to school. Another friend told me about how her co-workers child is experiencing bullying with little help from the school principal.

Sadly, these stories are not unique and the fact is that bullying is rampant in our society.

From very small children, where it begins, to adults in public office.  Many people know live in the great state of Wisconsin. For over 50 years the state has held a long tradition of union negotiation, protecting the rights of workers. Now those rights are under attack by a newly elected Governor, ill-equipped to compromise, preferring strong-arm tactics.

Both sides of the argument are in the process of name calling and bullying tactics.  One side has sought to bully the other into changes and is shocked when the other has decided to push back, effectively playing the same game by refusing to allow a vote. Clearly, both sides are bullying the other, and failing to negotiate is a horrible example of how things should work.  Sadly, that the Governor is trying to eliminate the right to negotiate is the most tragic tactic to come out of this political dispute but both sides have behaved poorly in many respects.

I would like to remind people, bullying begins in a child’s formative years and all examples that adults provide are quickly internalized as proper behavior, regardless of whether those are appropriate or not.

When a child is bullied on the playground we often tell them to fight back, and we certainly wouldn’t expect them to lay down and take a beating when faced with a fight, but to defend themselves given the circumstances.  The solution is to learn how to treat each other with respect and learn to negotiate and compromise with a clear head, avoiding the power abuse that is bullying.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011 is Pink Shirt Day, a day we stand together to fight against bullying by deciding we are no longer going to tolerate power abuse. We stand together silently to support the rights of children and people to be treated with respect. Remember to wear your PINK shirt, and remember that bullying begins with each of us and the examples we set for our children.

Here is a link for more information.

What will it take?

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Ok. So I don’t get to write as often as I like. I am swamped this semester, again, and although I think about the topic of bullying and how we treat each other often, I don’t get to share it here. I suppose that makes me no better than many other people who say, “It’s not my problem.”  I hope not, but I can’t help but think that I should be doing more.

This morning I went to church with my family. A church I like quite a lot because I belive they really do preach acceptance.  This morning, at our Family Service, the message of acceptance was shared loud and clear.

The Family Service is designed, as far as I  can tell, to make church an experience that children want to be involved in.  We have all seen the child sitting in the pews, eyes glazed over, wishing more than anything they were somewhere else.  Plenty of parents too. It isn’t like that at our church. The Family service is shortened to about a half an hour. Perfect for young children and their short attention spans. The content and sharing of Scripture is put in a context they can understand. There are often puppet shows,  and actors (often our pastors) dressed in costume sharing stories from the Bible in ways that children can relate to.  If that didn’t engage the children, they are often asked to sing, play instruments and share in the message in various ways.   The youth of our church really want to be there and youth activities always seem to be well attended. 

Today the message was for children and parents. In the process of sharing about the Ten Commandments, Pastor Scott took the time to talk about bullying.  He shared how important it is for peers to treat each other well and “sticks and stones really do hurt”. I couldn’t have been prouder when he took the time to discuss such an important problem.

It really is going to take everyone, and churches are a great place to start.  When community leaders take the time to say the problem needs attention, people begin to shift their focus. Oftentimes , bullying is looked at just kids being kids. Something that doesn’t really deserve a lot of attention. The time for that is passed, bullying is an epidemic.  From politics, to playgrounds, we must begin to treat our fellow humans better. Treat those as you would like to be treated shouldn’t be lip service, but a real way of life.

Thank you Pastor’s Scott and Paula for sharing the word.

Increased Awareness for bullying or Increased copying

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During 2011 I am hoping to write more. I want to contribute to the dialogue that has started (finally) about bullying and how it affects students and communities.

One of the things I have been thinking about is, does the increased media awareness lend to solutions or does it obscure the real problem by sensationalizing the traumatic stories? Does it lead to an increase in copycat suicides? Does the increased media presence do more harm than good?

I am not sure of the answers and I do know one thing. The increased media awareness still does not direct attention to the fact that bullying begins in early childhood. I am concerned that the attention does little more than focus on those victims that have already lived past the point of tolerance. Children who have survived, and are either taking their lives, or they are old enough to speak out, are at this point the only ones being heard.

My focus has always been on bullying as it begins in early childhood and our response to children who are bullied or are showing the signs of becoming serial bullies.  We do not spend enough time and effort on assisting our children in learning appropriate interpersonal communication techniques at an early age and the result is adolescents who are unable to, or unwilling to, learn new skills.

What do you think the media awareness is doing for the cause of bullying? Has it made it a novel concern? Do you think there is a way to educate people without sensationalizing trauma?

I would love to hear your thoughts and I look forward to the New Year. I hope that you are blessed with love and peace in the New Year.

Being Thankful.

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For some people, Christmas is nearly here. Boxes, wrappings, and bows will clutter many homes, and are certain to clutter nearby landfills. (PLEASE recycle everything possible)
Families will get together and memories will be made.

In the United States there is a lot of time spent on the 25th of November ruminating about  things we are thankful for. For me, it seems like that being thankful should be a daily thing, no matter what religion you are or where you come from.  

I haven’t written in a long time because I was working hard in school. It was my last fall semester and I am very dedicated to my studies. I am thankful that I have a wonderful husband and children who allow and aid me in going to school by being tolerant of the hours and hours I spend on projects or studying. (Not to mention I have the most fantastic husband and children!)

Bad things can happen to anyone, at any time. We have no concept what tomorrow holds and life can change in the blink of an eye. It is important to tell the people that we care about how much we appreciate them, everyday.

Life gets busy and we get cranky and say things we don’t mean. Sometimes we don’t realize that our loved ones are going through a difficult spot. Maybe, they don’t want to worry us. Maybe, they don’t want to think about their problems. Maybe, they are too proud to share the pain they are feeling.

I write this thinking about all of those children who are on Christmas Holiday from school. Right now, their lives may be normal. Hopefully they have wonderful families and have a reprieve from studying and school work. Some children are grateful to have time away from school for other reasons. For some children, each day spent at school may be a torturous time, as they suffer abuse from their peers.

Please take this time with your families to be thankful. And if you have children off from school on break, take this time to be close and find out what their experience is. Find out if they miss their friends, or they are grateful to be away from school. Watch as the day they return to school gets closer, and watch for signs they are anxious about it.

This is a perfect time to assess your child’s well being, and a perfect time to reassure them they are loved.

In 2010 far too many children ended their lives thinking they were unloved, or they had no solutions to their problems. In the blink of an eye they were gone. If we all take this holiday time to appreciate those we love, maybe we will help someone through a rough time, maybe they will realize there are solutions, maybe they will realize that life is worth living.

Happy Holidays everyone. It doesn’t matter which one we celebrate, or if we celebrate any all.  Take this time to celebrate life and family.

50 Blog Posts Every Teacher Should Read

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I am proud to say that this blog has a place on a special list. 50 Blog Posts Every Teacher Should Read is a list produced by Michael Erins on his site Masters in Education.

The post, What can forgiveness do for you?, written July 31 2010, about Phoebe’s father’s wish to forgive the children involved in her suicide, was in response to the Phoebe Prince case, and in part, a post written earlier that day.

Thank you Mr. Erins for your dedication to teachers and for researching the 50 most important sites. I applaud your efforts.

As many of you know bullying is a crisis I care deeply about, despite my inability at this time to post as often as I would like.  I applaud efforts by educators to find new ways to deal with this age-old problem.

I mentioned awhile back I had spoken with my daughter’s principal about the lack of supervision on the playgrounds at her school. Two school days after that conversation the principal di send out an email to parents requesting volunteer supervision on the playground. It was a welcome email and when I returned to the school the following Friday there was a noticeable increase in parents choosing to attend lunch with their children. Recess seemed a little less chaotic and it is my opinion that adult presence simply reminds children of the rules even if the rules are unspoken. Kudos, to her principal!

Perhaps you can spend some time at recess with your children and help create a more visible adult presence. Children really enjoy it, and I am sure you will too.

Most bullying in schools occurs during unsupervised times like recess, class transitions, and bathroom breaks. Children cannot be watched every second of every day but if  more adults are present during recess perhaps the likelihood of bullying behavior will drop.

Isn’t it worth a try?

I hope you are having a wonderful week and I hope to have opportunity to write again soon. In the mean time please explore some of the helpful links I have provided on this site.

~Beth

What would you do?

Friends!

Bullying in kindergarten, and younger, is very real. I have written about the behaviors I saw in my daughter’s 4-K class, and how it prompted me to start this blog. I wish that I was able to write every day because I would be able to share with you the story of Jasmine, on how one child is affecting our lives .

I have written about her before, in my post, First Day of Kindergarten. She is a child in my daughter’s class and her behaviors have brought my daughter, and her friend Vanessa, to tears . The problem is how do we address it as parents?

At lunch, we (Vanessa’s mother and I) notice that the supervision in the cafeteria, and outside for recess, is limited.  Most researchers will say that bullying is at its worst when there is little supervision, and unfortunately this school appears to be no different. The school is currently spending an enormous amount of money on a program designed at improving interaction among peers, and teaching proper interpersonal relationships. The results are yet to be seen, of course, but I believe that if these behaviors begin at home, and if they are acceptable at home, (or childcare or wherever), they will continue to be part of the child’s actions. A few hours of day in school might not change anything.

We have spoken with the teacher who admits she has spoken to the child’s parent, and it is something she must continue to discuss all day with the girl. She seemed overwhelmed, and my concern is that this child is robbing others of their chance at a peaceful education.

Some complaints we hear from our daughters are “She won’t let me play with so and so, She kicked me off the team, She said Vanessa can’t play with me”. The last statement is the most disturbing as my daughter and Vanessa have been friends for years and do many things together outside of school. When we (Vanessa’s mother and I) visit the school we see this child dragging Vanessa around, ordering her to do things, and ultimately controlling her. As much as Vanessa’s mother and I are able, we try to encourage Vanessa, a relatively shy and soft-spoken child, to resist this Jasmine, but it seems futile. We have both spoken to this child (Jasmine) on several occasions, and like most bullies, she appears to be sweet and kind, and ultimately respectful to adults, and she certainly does not realize we are able to see through her façade.

Jasmine has invited both our girls to her birthday party, which happens to be tonight, and uninvited them many times as well. Vanessa’s mother and I are going to take our children and see how the interactions occur in front of Jasmine’s mother, and go ahead from there. Our two girls will have a sleep-over after the party.

Vanessa’s mother and I were so excited when we learned our daughter’s were in the same class, and now we are sad that their experience has been so horrible, because of one child and their actions.

No matter how many times we tell our girls, that they need not play with this child, that they should play with other people and ignore her, that they are strong and they do not deserve to be treated this way, they are simply overwhelmed by her.

We have debated whether they should go to the party (but decided we could see if she acted that way in front of her mother-potentially opening a door to unthreatening communication), we have toyed with the idea of inviting her to joining our Girl Scout Troop (so she can see appropriate interactions), we have spoken to the teacher, and will be addressing the lack of supervision on the playground with the school.
What would you do?

Yesterday another mother heard, and saw me, as I talked with Jasmine about how sad she made me, and my daughter when she is unkind, and how I know she can be nicer to the girls.
The mother said that she liked how I did that, and wondered what was going on because her daughter was experiencing something similar in her class.

As I read the article in The New York Times today entitled 1 Ohio School, 4 Bullied Teens Dead at Own Hand I wonder why do we wait so long to act on these behaviors, and what MORE can we do about it? Shouldn’t we be focusing more on these younger children so these behaviors do not become permanent personality flaws?

The Bully- A new independent film

I have a second to post and I wanted to mention that in just a few days I will be receiving an advance copy of the new independent film by Derek Kimball and Matthew D. Konkel called The Bully. I am really excited to see this artistic look at a problem that is so prevalent, and seems to be more so each day.

While I have not been writing as regularly as I was, bullying is still a cause I care deeply about. Especially since it is so visible in my daughter’s class. It seems that there is a lot of aggression in a few of the children and relational aggression is most prevalent. At least as far as I can see. Children are not very kind and each day my daughter comes home with a different story about who wont play with whom and what is being said. I could just assume that it is a child’s perception, but I have in fact, witnessed it myself. Occasionally, I meet with her for lunch. I sit at her table, and I see the behavior that will someday lead to really overt bullying. It is distressing, and as soon as I figure out how to stop it, I will. But the sad fact of the matter is, all of the redirection in the world may be lost on children whose only modeling for appropriate behavior comes for tween television loaded with snippy comments and superior thinking.

At present her school uses a form of ‘bullying’ curriculum, and it seems as though it is something they talk about in class . I am watching to see how things progress and will keep posted as time allows.

In the mean time, I hope you will check out the website for the film The Bully, and as soon as I have opportunity to see it I will let you know!

Anti-Bullying Promotes Homosexuality?

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Seriously? 

 Focus on the Family, a conservative Christian group has announced that they think anti-bullying messages are being “hijacked’ by gay activists, according to an article available on the Summit Daily News website.

 A student does not have to be homosexual to be identified by his peers as homosexual, and the fact is students who are identified as homosexual by their peers are more likely to be harassed.  It really doesn’t matter to people whether a person is homosexual or not.

It should not matter whether a person is homosexual or not, no one deserves to be abused. As a result, I do not think anti-bullying messages should focus on accepting one group more than another. They should focus on accepting differences. Period. We should teach our children that whether or not we agree with the choices our  peers make, they deserve the same amount of respect.

Respect should not be conditional.  If we all stopped worrying about petty little differences, we could see that we are just parents trying to raise our kids in a way that we believe is right. We do not have to agree with the choices that others make, but that does not make them deserve any less respect. 

No one wants their child to be bullied.  We all want them to learn.  We want them to be successful. 

Don’t we want them to be a good person? I think we do. Let us FOCUS on RESPECT.  In our schools, and in our families.

Kindergarten Preparation

Do you have a child entering Kindergarten in a few weeks? I do. As I compile all the necessary accoutrements for learning, I wonder about all the things she will learn this year.  Surely she will learn to read better, maybe do some math, a bit of science, perhaps.  I would like to say I am spending many moments waxing poetic about her experience; instead  I worry. Worry, she will lose some innocence. Worry, she will learn the “real world’ ways, and it will scar her sensitive heart. Just as it did mine.

When I entered school, I had no idea people, or kids, were unkind to each other. At least, I don’t recall that I did.  I had never been in day care, never around a lot of  kids.  I went to school, and I recall being terrified.  I had good reason to be, because it wasn’t long before my first bully, a girl, crushed my spirit. 

I seriously believed, and I guess I still do (so in that respect she failed) that people are supposed to be  kind.   At that point, I believed they actually were.  Boy, was I wrong. I was wrong, and it hurt. It was confusing.

I know that my daughter is not so naïve. We placed her in pre-school just so she would be around other kids. Just so she would be social.  She lost that innocence early, because she has already had a bully. A boy, from 2 years ago, whom she refers to occasionally with frustration and irritation. A boy she used to be afraid of, who has now taken the place of a fact of life- some people are just not nice, some people have their own problems, some people might not have a good home life.

I know she has already had that lesson. I worry it will be worse. I worry she will come home insisting she needs this thing or that thing, because all the girls do. (Knowing what that really means) I worry she will awaken with mysterious illnesses that suddenly disappear after 9am .

We talk about confidence. We talk about how she should not measure her self-worth based on others. We talk about her ability to overcome. We challenge her and hope she knows how strong she really is. We listen, and we try to do all the ‘right’ things.  We talk about these things, but still I worry.  After all, I have written about young children attempting and succeeding suicide. I know how horrible it can be.

Do you worry about your Kindergartener facing bullies? Are you more worried about other things? What do you worry about most? How do you prepare your child for their Kindergarten experience?

How do we teach our children acceptance?

There is, of course, no easy answer. It is hard to accept difference. We easily become set in our ways and often find ourselves seeking out those with whom we share similar interests and beliefs.

The fact of the matter is if we seek to surround ourselves with sameness, if we are afraid of difference, if we believe that those who are different have nothing to offer, so will our children.

I have said before that parenting is a teaching experience, and you may wonder what I mean by that. For me parenting is not about being my child’s best friend, though I do want them to feel comfortable confiding in me, trusting me, and enjoying my company. For me, it is about allowing them the opportunity to make choices and mistakes. For me, it is about assisting them as they set out on a journey called life, and it’s about giving them tools to help along the way. Sometimes, it means they will fail. Sometimes, it means there will be tears. Sometimes, I will not like their choices. 

Andrea Patten, author of What Kids Need to Succeed says it best. “We are not raising children, but future adults. “

Woa! Wait a minute, what do you mean we are not raising children. It means that if we are rasing children, they will always be children. We know that is not the case. Someday they will leave the comfort, and security, and confines of our homes. What it means is, we must give them the skills to grow into successful adults.

What does that mean when it comes to acceptance?

Everyone knows that the teenage years are often filled with rebellion. Teenagers often seek out the extreme opposite of what they see much of their life. Why not expose them to many people, cultures, and lives, so that they can make their own choices without pulling away?

The fact is that if children see diversity, without judgement or disrespect, they will not only learn to treat everyone with respect they might not seek the extreme when the time comes. It is possible to expose children to difference, and say “while I don’t necessarily chose that path for myself, it is that person’s choice to live as they do, it does not make them any less human or less deserving of respect”.  If we actively seek diversity for our children; if we share opportunities for new people, cultures and friendships, they will not only learn, by example , that all people are to be respected, we might just make some new friends along the way.

 We all want what is best for our children. We all hope they make choices that match our beliefs . Sometimes we try so hard to shelter and protect them that the minute they are able to make some choices for themselves, they fight back, and we wonder where we have gone wrong.

Isn’t it better to show them acceptance, tolerance, and loving attitudes from the start?