What can forgiveness do for you?

A very loyal reader, Fritzie, posted a comment earlier today to my post Phoebe Prince’s Father Focuses on Forgiveness? and shared a story about a woman faced with a choice. Katy Hutchinson experienced tragedy. Her husband, left their home one night to check on their neighbor’s property when a party broke out while they were away. he never returned. One of the teenage party goers took his life and Katy was left alone with two children.

In this video Katy herself speaks about the choice she made the night of her husband’s death, and how her life, and many others, are now positively altered by forgiveness. 

Katy has not only forgiven the teen, she has forged a relationship based on the power of forgiveness. Watch the video, I promise it will make you think, and you may just find yourself asking how can forgiveness work for me?

Thanks Fritzie, for your contribution and dedication.

Phoebe Prince’s father focuses on forgiveness?

In a recent post by Boston Globe Staff Phoebe Prince’s father is quoted as saying he would ask for leniency if the bullies accused in his daughter’s bullying suicide case apologized.

Can you imagine? The pain he experienced this year must be horrific, and yet, he seeks to forgive.

His example is one that we all must  follow. After all, each of us makes mistakes. We all say and do things we regret. Our actions, though we may not intend to hurt people, sometimes do. Occasionally we act impulsively. Sometimes our motivations are unclear, even to us. Sometimes, we behave poorly, and wish we could take back our actions. Sometimes all we want is to be forgiven.

Jeremy Prince, phoebe’s father, suggested he would ask for “total leniency” if the teens involved admitted what they had done.

Can we not learn from his pain, and his example?  Can people learn from their mistakes and see the opportunity that sometimes arises from unfortunate incidents?  I hope so.

If the south Hadley teens are forgiven and allowed to move forward with their lives perhaps they will see how their actions affected so many others. Perhaps their anger and hatred will produce positive changes in them, and those around them. Perhaps they will seek to set an example and share their experience so that others may see how bullying is more than just children behaving badly.
Perhaps they will use their experience to help others. Assuming they are guilty, if they do not seek forgiveness, and move forward with anger, it is not only Phoebe’s life that lost that day.

I sincerely hope that the children involved, and their parents, can all work toward forgiveness. Perhaps we can all learn something from this tragedy.

Bullying from a Child’s Perspective

My niece is staying with us and I decided to ask the kids some questions. The following answers are from an 8-year-old girl, and a 5-year-old girl. 

What does a bully look like?

A human, they could have nice clothes on. They could be tall or short. They could be skinny or fat. They could wear earrings or not, and be a girl or a boy. They might not have a family. They could have dark color skin or light.

Why do you think a bully bullies?

They see other kids bullying and they think it is okay. They might not have a good home life or family. They might be poor. Their family might be mean to them. They might not know how to count to 100. They might be hurting and they pick on you instead.

What should you do if a bully bullies you?

Say stop, Walk away, Tell the teacher.Tell your parents.

How does bullying make you feel?

Sad, angry.

Think about when you were bullied, what was it like?

He was hitting me, and kicking me. Someone said they didn’t like my name. I was at school, I was at camp.

How would you stop a bully if you saw someone else getting bullied?

I would ask them to be my friend and tell them to stop.

After our dialogue, I realized that most kids know what they are ‘supposed’ to do when bullied. They know the script. Tell a teacher, say stop, walk away, and ask the child to be friends, are all standard responses to the bullying situation. These two children, in my experience are not unique. I have asked many kids in our neighborhood the same questions, only to get similar answers.

Why is there still such a problem? After all, if all children know what to do, then why is there still bullying? Shouldn’t bullying be eradicated if everyone knows the right response?

The truth is there is no right response and it a massive task we face, especially if we all know the ‘right’ answer. Perhaps it is time we consider a different response.

Personally, I think that we set aside the traditional response, and work toward a community building answer instead. Certainly, children should work to increase self-esteem and confidence, but could we not work harder to offer an accepting community, and world, where diversity is the norm instead of the opposite.

If we live in communities, and a world, where we make fun of diversity, where we fear diversity and difference, where our media choices all say that different is bad, we will continue to teach our children to treat their peers poorly.

Of course, we could just keep travelling the same road, expecting a different destination, and remaining afraid of the road less travelled. 

We could but, to me, the scenery is redundant, and the experience is repetitive.

Focus on Forgiveness

Imagine this. Your child is playing nicely by himself. Sitting in the sandbox, digging a hole, filling it and digging  it again.  Suddenly, a neighborhood boy,  you have had problems with him in the past, comes over and shoves your child, stealing the shovel.  Screaming, your child looks to you for help.

Immediately you are angry. After all, your child was sitting there minding his own business. Where is his mother? You see her. She is sitting there talking with another mother, and never saw the incident. She is always talking. Never paying attention. How can she not see her son’s aggression? 

Seeing her,  makes you more furious.

What could you do with this situation?

You could

a) Go over to your child and comfort him, say that child is just a bully, don’t pay them any attention.

b) Go over to both children and say that wasn’t very nice. Suggest that your child offer the other boy the extra shovel and perhaps they can play together.

c) Storm over to the other mother and tell her how tired you are of watching her child bully others and all she does is sit and talk.

d) Go over to the other mother, introduce yourself, say you have seen her around and your sons are in the middle of a squabble, could she help?

e) Go over to the other mother, tell her she is a moron, you are tired of watching her child rule the playground.  She is a horrible mother and when is she going to wake up to the fact that her 3 (or 4 or 5 or 6 yr old, etc. ) is a bully.

f) You could go over to your child and tell him the next time that bully takes his shovel, he should shove him back. That ought to teach him, and your child would learn to stand up for himself.

g) You could sit down with both children and talk to them, be an example and offer both of them suggestions on how they could have handled it differently. The mother may or may not see you and may introduce herself. She may explain she is sorry there was a problem but she tries to let her son learn things through trial and error, she likes to let him explore, and she is glad your son told him that he didn’t like the behavior.   You realize you both have different parenting ideas, part of you wishes you could be a little less stressed like her, but part of you is angry she doesn’t parent (as you see it).

h) You could go over to your child, remove him from the situation, and say that the other child is just mean and that ultimately they will get their own punishment for being mean.

i) You could remove your child, take him home and show him a book or a video like the one that follows that explains retribution, and divine retaliation. 

This morning on YouTube I saw this video and it made me think about the culture we live in. What are we teaching our children? While I understand the ‘moral’ of the video is that mean children will get what is coming to them, so don’t be mean, I wonder what else it is really saying.

Why don’t you watch and tell me what you think? What option would you choose? What would come of the option you choose? What can we as parents, and bystanders do to create positive relationships with our children, their peers, and their parents? Can we be part of a better example?

How can we stop bullying?

Yesterday I wrote about the lessons your child will learn in school this year. I wrote about trying to make sure the lessons they learn include how they treat others. I don’t write these things because I presume that I am perfect at interpersonal relations, far from it in fact.

Growing up, I was picked on something fierce. I was sensitive, and often worried about what others thought, still do in fact. I had some close friends but I was always unsure what people were looking for. All I really wanted was for everyone to get along. I am still that way. I still think that each person, no matter how different has something to offer the world.

Many people who know me would say I am loud, sometimes abrasive, opinionated, passionate, vocal, unfiltered, brash, and I am sure many more adjectives would come to mind.

The truth is I am probably all of those things, but I am also sensitive, caring, forgiving, generous, and much more.

The point I am trying to make here is that we are all different. We all have qualities that others may not like from time to time. We make choices that others do not like and none of us is perfect.  

Many people wonder how can we stop bullying. Should we start programs, make laws, or start a list of offenders?   Maybe all these things, I suppose. In reality I don’t think that any of these things will work on their own.

What I do think will work is for all of us to accept a little humility. To realize that none of us is perfect. To understand that to stop bullying we must look within ourselves.

Each day we make mistakes, each day we are not perfect, each day we must start anew and work toward developing better relationships with the people around us. We must reach out to people whom we may not easily identify. We must look to make connections with people who are different from us and we must all serve as an example.

The first step to stopping bullying is to understand that old saying about living in glass houses, and casting stones.  We must try harder, be better, and try and try again to” be the change you want to see in the world” (Gandhi).  (If you are not a fan of Gandhi, there are many other similar quotes that mean the same thing- insert your own favorite here or feel free to share yours)

I know I am not perfect, are you?

What is the most important lesson your child will learn this school year?

My daughter will enter Kindergarten this year.  As I gear up for the dreaded school clothes shopping ( I know some people like shopping but I am not one of them) I think about what she might learn this year. Will she learn how to read better? Will she start chapter books? How much math is part of the curriculum?

All of these things are important but she could learn other things too. She could learn how to pick on the new kid. She could learn what it feels like to be excluded. She could learn how to call names, and exclude others. She could learn that differences are to be feared. 

All of these things are topics we discuss at home but peers are pretty powerful things in a child’s life.  A parent can spend hours, days, and a lifetime teaching and telling a child how they want them to live; but faced with being picked on or excluded themselves they may choose differently than we would like.

How do we counteract the pressure and examples others set for our child? 

Telling a child to treat their peers with respect means little if we do not do the same. If we choose media and entertainment that offers examples of catty, disrespectful behavior, that example is likely more powerful than the words we share.

Another important way to make sure your young child treats peers with respect is to invite other children to activities in your home, or a park, or a public place of your choosing.

1.Be sure to invite all the children in your child’s class.

2.Try to make sure it is an activity that all parents can afford.

3. Invite the parents, and develop relationships with them.

4. Take time to develop an activities network and take turns with other parents. 

5.  ALWAYS  Treat all parents with respect and do not speak ill of them when not in their presence (especially in front of your children or others).

6.  Be Proactive! Create a community for your child and their peers, include parents, and develop relationship.

I know that many parents work odd hours, different shifts, many are shy, and many have financial challenges.  There are many activities that are inexpensive or free.

Some suggestions:

1.Sack races with pillow cases at a park.

2. Trips to Nursing Homes, or Elder Care Centers.

3. Trips to Animal Shelters.

4. Trips to the Fire Station, Police Station, A local Bakery.

5. Craft day in the park. (Make cards or projects for nursing homes)

6.  A toy drive for those less fortunate.

7. Roller skating, or biking in the park.

8. Garbage pick up in the park.

9.  Softball, Volleyball, Soccer, etc.

10. Sledding in the winter.

These activities can be planned with little effort. Email, phone or Facebook, all the parents in the class. Send a note home with the students. Give a date and time and allow those that are able to come to meet there.  Not all children and parents will come every time, and it may take a few times to get a response but people will want to share in the fun you are having.

Children love group activities and it is up to us to create community and appropriate examples for children.

Are there any other activities or ideas you could share?

How do you thank an entire community?

Awhile back I wrote an open thank you to my neighbors.
I wanted to thank them for everything they do for us. Not just the definable ways, like watching my kids when I run to the store, or giving me a few minutes when I feel overwhelmed, or sharing recipes, or meals, or group outings, or any number of the ways a person can physically count the benefits because, to me, they are so much more. I wanted to thank them for the ways they enrich our lives.

It is not only the neighbors that deserve a thank you. It is the property owners too. They have allowed us to tear up their land and plant a garden, they donated rain barrels, and have bought picnic tables for the Commons. Pretty generous, for a large corporation that owns many properties and no doubt worries about profit.

That is not all. We are planning a community party to celebrate our garden, summer, friendships, new neighbors, children, and anything else we can think of.  We asked the property owner if they would pitch and not really expecting they would.  To our surprise and delight, they agreed to help. Guess what they are supplying?  All of the hamburgers, all the hot dogs, all the chips, and soda, plates, and napkins even. All of it.  Do you believe it? Pretty amazing huh? All we are supplying is “passed dishes” and the “neighborhood” is renting a bounce house, a cotton candy machine, and a Balloon guy to entertain the kids.  The property owners are paying for much of the bill.

We contacted the paper to do a story about our community and how grateful we are to the property owners.

The thing is, how can one really measure the benefits? Is it really possible to measure the friendships developed here? Can you quantify the lessons being learned by our children?  Can you put a number on memories?  What about the other things being learned like how to garden, or how to get along with people vastly different from you, or how to be an example to others, or how to be more assertive, or how to listen better, or how to be a better friend, or how to live alone, or how to make pickles, or bread?

All of these things are happening here. Would they happen without the property owner’s generosity? Maybe, maybe not. It will be interesting to see if our community party, where everyone is invited, (plus  free food), will encourage other people to venture out and take a chance. 

Of course it is risky, people might know you a little more. They might, but to me, it seems like the benefits outweigh the risks tenfold. 

How well do you know your neighbors?

What do you think of Jessi Slaughter and her viral videos?

An eleven year old girl takes to YouTube, a virtual black abyss. She posts videos responding to what she calls “haters” who have called her names, and questioning her sexual innocence.

“Jessi Slaughter”  talks to Good Morning America about the situation.  Jessi describes her profane threatening videos, and her father explains his appearance in some of the videos.

 “Jessi’s” father threatens children, just as “Jessi’ does during the videos, and the response from the world is more threatening messages, mocking videos, and the family says they have received death threats.

“Jessi” claims Florida authorities sent her to a mental health facility for evaluation. She says she is not suicidal but she admits she couldn’t know what would happen when she posted the videos.

I am wondering what you think about the videos.  What about a father who threatens children to protect his own? What about responding to the bullies via the internet?

Of course I have my opinion, but I am hoping to hear from you first.

Anti-Bullying is Trendy?

It must be. 

MTV is now airing a show that is supposedly anti-bullying called “If you really knew me”.
MTV aligned with Challenge Day, an anti-bullying program to enter schools for a “docudrama” according to an article in USA today.

Hmm, perhaps they are feeling guilty for the ridiculous show they air called Bully Beatdown.

Perhaps, but not likely. I certainly can’t imagine MTV doing anything other than trying to make a buck. If that is the case, why the sudden interest in socially redeeming television? Don’t get me wrong, I hope that there is attention drawn to the issue of bullying, and perhaps all media is good media. I am just wary of MTV and their motives.

Apparently, the show airs today, as far as I can tell. I do not have cable. I would love to hear from anyone who watches “If you really knew me“.  What do you think?

What do you think of MTV’s foray into social media? Am I being overly skeptical?

Are you ready for your kids to start school?

Today is July 22, 2010 (unless of course you pass the International Date Line.) School is a little over a month away for many places (unless of course you have a year round program or start earlier.) 

No matter what your situation, it is important to ask if, you, the parents, are ready for the upcoming challenges. Aside from books, tests, and homework, that are all important, there is interpersonal relations.

Getting along.  Seems simple enough. Just get along, right?  A lot of times we don’t tell them how to get along. If we do, the advice sounds something like this ” Sticks and stones”, “Just ignore it”, “walk away”, fight back”. Surely you have heard them all, perhaps even said them yourself.  The reality is, these responses have a tendency to produce unwanted attention from kids.

I am not sure what the research says, I am only sure about my experience, and that of many children I have spoken to. Antiquated responses do not work, they only serve to victimize someone further.

What does work? I’ll tell you what I tell my kids, and for the most part it seems to be working.

“I don’t like it when you do this, it makes me feel this,”  or “I am sorry you feel that way, it really hurts my feelings and ….”.

In the past we have encouraged children to run, ignore, or become aggressive. The belief is that bullies target weakness, and this is in part true.  We need to reconsider what we define as weakness. It is not weakness to stand face to face with a bully and say how we are feeling. Yes, we may open ourselves up for another potential attack, but when faced with the same confident response time after time, it is hard for a bully to continue, especially in front of witnesses.

I think it is also powerful to acknowledge the bullies pain. “I am sorry you are hurting, and your angry, I didn’t intend for that to happen, perhaps someday we could be friends?”.

I know it all seems so sweet and easy, but it is difficult to be mean to someone genuinely being nice to you. A person, empowered enough, to name their feelings, calmly state them, and encourage a response is not likely an easy target. Not only does the attacker begin to realize the ‘victims’ disinterest in participating in the abuse, a ‘victim’ ceases to be a victim by finding it within themselves to say “I will not tolerate you abuse, and I won’t stoop to your level”.

What do you think is the best response for children? What do you tell your children?