Are you ready for your kids to start school?

Today is July 22, 2010 (unless of course you pass the International Date Line.) School is a little over a month away for many places (unless of course you have a year round program or start earlier.) 

No matter what your situation, it is important to ask if, you, the parents, are ready for the upcoming challenges. Aside from books, tests, and homework, that are all important, there is interpersonal relations.

Getting along.  Seems simple enough. Just get along, right?  A lot of times we don’t tell them how to get along. If we do, the advice sounds something like this ” Sticks and stones”, “Just ignore it”, “walk away”, fight back”. Surely you have heard them all, perhaps even said them yourself.  The reality is, these responses have a tendency to produce unwanted attention from kids.

I am not sure what the research says, I am only sure about my experience, and that of many children I have spoken to. Antiquated responses do not work, they only serve to victimize someone further.

What does work? I’ll tell you what I tell my kids, and for the most part it seems to be working.

“I don’t like it when you do this, it makes me feel this,”  or “I am sorry you feel that way, it really hurts my feelings and ….”.

In the past we have encouraged children to run, ignore, or become aggressive. The belief is that bullies target weakness, and this is in part true.  We need to reconsider what we define as weakness. It is not weakness to stand face to face with a bully and say how we are feeling. Yes, we may open ourselves up for another potential attack, but when faced with the same confident response time after time, it is hard for a bully to continue, especially in front of witnesses.

I think it is also powerful to acknowledge the bullies pain. “I am sorry you are hurting, and your angry, I didn’t intend for that to happen, perhaps someday we could be friends?”.

I know it all seems so sweet and easy, but it is difficult to be mean to someone genuinely being nice to you. A person, empowered enough, to name their feelings, calmly state them, and encourage a response is not likely an easy target. Not only does the attacker begin to realize the ‘victims’ disinterest in participating in the abuse, a ‘victim’ ceases to be a victim by finding it within themselves to say “I will not tolerate you abuse, and I won’t stoop to your level”.

What do you think is the best response for children? What do you tell your children?