Sharing the message

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I hope everyone wore their pink shirts today! I know I did and I hope that many of you did too.

I have been very lucky with this blog to be able to share something I belive in, and the response from readers has always been overwhelming to me. As I have said before I would love to be able to write more.

This is my last semester as a non-traditional adult student. I am about to graduate from college, May 14th, 2011, almost twenty years (just shy by three weeks) from the day I graduated high school.

As much as love writing this blog, and writing in general (I’d love to find someone who would pay me to do it :)), school is something I just cannot put aside. My experience in school as a child was miserable. From “kick me” signs, to fake friendships, to name calling, to spitting at me, to physical abuse, to stealing homework and more. School was a nightmare. Well not school itself, I loved learning, but the social experience was more than I could really stand and my grades suffered. Plus, it was no fun to be smarter, or have the right answer all the time. So I didn’t and I couldn’t wait for the day I graduated high school. I swore I was never going back. Besides, no one had told me I deserved to go to school.

But here I am, graduating. With honors and a 3.72 GPA, which I think is pretty good. This semester I am writing a thesis, and I hope to get accepted to a Master’s Program in Geographic Information Technology. That is what I am spending my time on, (and a little political unrest in our state), and as much as I do love writing I haven’t been able to devote the time it deserves.

That is why I was so surprised when I was invited to be part of a new site about to be launched called Paperblog. I checked it out and it seems like it will be a great site, so added my blog, and my membership to the Paperblog site has been confirmed by the Communications Manager. We will see how it all works out and as soon as it launches I will let all of you know. It promises to be a great site where information can be found all in one place.  Now if only I could get someone to pay me to write.  Oh well, for now I will write when I can and I’ll  stick to what I am good at, studying.  

In the mean time please remember that a bullied child may not be enjoying school, they may be able to get better grades, and they may just wish someone would notice the pain they are living with. It will get better, I promise, but I am sure they don’t realize that right now.

Have a great day!

Political Provocation?

 

Controversial Map from Sarah Palin‘s Facebook page

Many people are claiming that the responsibility for Saturday’s horrific mass shooting in Tucson Arizona belongs with Sarah Palin and her camp for placing a map on Facebook page last year designating Democrats who had voted for the controversial health care bill with a symbol eerily similar to the crosshairs of a gun.  Some people think that Jesse Kelly’s pre-election event where he encouraged people to come shoot an M16 with him to raise funds to ‘remove Gabrielle Giffords from office”.

I suspect that at this point both people involved are regretting those situations. I belive that the actions of Sarah Palin and Jessie Kelly were, at the very least,  irresponsible and a poor example of how we should be treating each other.

As is the case with most tragedies, journalists immediately jumped on the chance to blame someone.  Name calling and attempts at isolating and ostracizing those on the opposite side were almost immediate.  Bickering and public shaming  continue days later, even as the victim’s funerals begin.

In reality, both sides have made some pretty poor choices. It turns out that at one point Democrats have used a map with archery targets marking areas that Democrats could win.
Apparently, President Obama has quoted The Untouchables, stating, “If they bring a knife to the fight, we bring a gun.”

It seems that words and actions can cause an awful lot of regret. We often say things we don’t mean and we certainly don’t expect for things like Saturday’s shooting to happen.  Does that mean that politicians are responsible for the alleged actions of Jared Loughner?

Certainly not. The young man seems to have exhibited many of the symptoms associated with schizophrenia and while he may not purse an insanity defense, he likely had some mental health issues.  He is the only one responsible for his actions. 

Politicians are not responsible, but their inability to seek common political ground is damaging our country, no matter how you look at it. Whether in their example as role models or the lack of compromising progress in Washington, politicians are damaging our country.

In my opinion, the scenario and political climate reeks of bullying and seems no different from a high school hallway or classroom. When we vote for these people we are just as culpable for the disharmony that exists in our country as they are.  The question is, what are we going to do about it?

Isolation

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Many of you already know that I am a former juvenile corrections officer. “Youth counselor” was my official term because the state where I worked wanted to soften the blow and image of children being in prison. Sadly, it was a prison. There was a razor wire fence and half way through my tenure there, an electric fence was added.  I can’t imagine calling it anything less than a prison.

I bring that up now because, like many of you, I am disturbed by the mass shooting in Tucson, AZ this weekend. My work in the prison allowed me to see differences in human behaviors  and become interested in possible “causes”. That incident, like many violent outbursts seen across the United States, and rarely, elsewhere have seem to have one thing in common. Each of the alleged assailants seem to live in isolation. Whether self-imposed, imagined, or socially isolated they all appear to be on the fringe. As they live on the fringe they seek acceptance wherever they can get it. Nowadays, that is likely the internet where similarly isolated people can join and share their ideas. Ideas,  that often are more and more radical, more and more isolatory in nature, more and more oppositional to what they see as they problems with the culture they may have been rejected from.

Why do I write about this here? On a blog for bullying, particularly as it exists in early childhood?

I write about here because I notice similarities in the victims of bullying and the eventual perpetrators to these crimes.  I am not making excuses for them, mind you. I just notice that both suffer from the same sort of isolation, and need to find acceptance. The difference is that  young children are not always able to seek out acceptance in the radical fringes of the internet. 

I bring it up because I feel it is even more important to be aware when our children are facing isolation, or perhaps encouraging it among their peers.  If conditions are right, isolation from the group can cause adverse reactions and can potentially exacerbate already stressful mental health conditions. 

Perhaps, we can reach out to people who may not fit within our little groups and as we do so we set an example for our children that everyone is deserving of acceptance. 

Perhaps, as we seek out people who may not fit our little molds or cliques we may find that someone needs us more than we know.

Perhaps, we will be rewarded in ways we can not imagine as that person brings a new perspective to our lives.

Perhaps, we can seek out help for those that need it around us. Perhaps, we can eliminate a tragedy now, or twenty years down the road, as we offer a safety net or encourage acceptance and healthy self-esteem among those in our community.

Perhaps, I am way off base but I see a lot of parallels between bullying and the isolation it causes and the isolation that seems to be present in most, if not all, of the shooters lives.  Perhaps.

My heart goes out to ALL involved in the shooting incident in Tucson, AZ. It is my sincere hope that all with be met with healing and peace.  I hope that those victims still in the hospital, and Gabrielle Giffords, continue to heal physically and will heal emotionally from this tragic, life changing event.

Increased Awareness for bullying or Increased copying

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During 2011 I am hoping to write more. I want to contribute to the dialogue that has started (finally) about bullying and how it affects students and communities.

One of the things I have been thinking about is, does the increased media awareness lend to solutions or does it obscure the real problem by sensationalizing the traumatic stories? Does it lead to an increase in copycat suicides? Does the increased media presence do more harm than good?

I am not sure of the answers and I do know one thing. The increased media awareness still does not direct attention to the fact that bullying begins in early childhood. I am concerned that the attention does little more than focus on those victims that have already lived past the point of tolerance. Children who have survived, and are either taking their lives, or they are old enough to speak out, are at this point the only ones being heard.

My focus has always been on bullying as it begins in early childhood and our response to children who are bullied or are showing the signs of becoming serial bullies.  We do not spend enough time and effort on assisting our children in learning appropriate interpersonal communication techniques at an early age and the result is adolescents who are unable to, or unwilling to, learn new skills.

What do you think the media awareness is doing for the cause of bullying? Has it made it a novel concern? Do you think there is a way to educate people without sensationalizing trauma?

I would love to hear your thoughts and I look forward to the New Year. I hope that you are blessed with love and peace in the New Year.

Being Thankful.

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For some people, Christmas is nearly here. Boxes, wrappings, and bows will clutter many homes, and are certain to clutter nearby landfills. (PLEASE recycle everything possible)
Families will get together and memories will be made.

In the United States there is a lot of time spent on the 25th of November ruminating about  things we are thankful for. For me, it seems like that being thankful should be a daily thing, no matter what religion you are or where you come from.  

I haven’t written in a long time because I was working hard in school. It was my last fall semester and I am very dedicated to my studies. I am thankful that I have a wonderful husband and children who allow and aid me in going to school by being tolerant of the hours and hours I spend on projects or studying. (Not to mention I have the most fantastic husband and children!)

Bad things can happen to anyone, at any time. We have no concept what tomorrow holds and life can change in the blink of an eye. It is important to tell the people that we care about how much we appreciate them, everyday.

Life gets busy and we get cranky and say things we don’t mean. Sometimes we don’t realize that our loved ones are going through a difficult spot. Maybe, they don’t want to worry us. Maybe, they don’t want to think about their problems. Maybe, they are too proud to share the pain they are feeling.

I write this thinking about all of those children who are on Christmas Holiday from school. Right now, their lives may be normal. Hopefully they have wonderful families and have a reprieve from studying and school work. Some children are grateful to have time away from school for other reasons. For some children, each day spent at school may be a torturous time, as they suffer abuse from their peers.

Please take this time with your families to be thankful. And if you have children off from school on break, take this time to be close and find out what their experience is. Find out if they miss their friends, or they are grateful to be away from school. Watch as the day they return to school gets closer, and watch for signs they are anxious about it.

This is a perfect time to assess your child’s well being, and a perfect time to reassure them they are loved.

In 2010 far too many children ended their lives thinking they were unloved, or they had no solutions to their problems. In the blink of an eye they were gone. If we all take this holiday time to appreciate those we love, maybe we will help someone through a rough time, maybe they will realize there are solutions, maybe they will realize that life is worth living.

Happy Holidays everyone. It doesn’t matter which one we celebrate, or if we celebrate any all.  Take this time to celebrate life and family.

My Child a Bully? Part 1 – By Annie Fox

Some of you know who Annie Fox is, if you don’t and have kids, you really must. She is an author, educator, and has amazing insight into the lives of teens. 

The following is part 1 of a 2 part post that she agreed to share – I hope that you will enjoy it and will take the time to check out her blog at http://anniefox.com  . There, you can find out more about her books, her podcasts, or her new Middle School book Series Middle School Confidential.  

This won’t be an easy read. But if the title pulled you in, you may already have some suspicions (or hard evidence) that your kid engages in mean-spirited behavior that hurts others. No parent wants to admit their kid is a bully, but according to a recent U.S. Department of Justice study, 77% of students nation-wide reported having been bullied, verbally, mentally or physically, in school in the past month. Lots of tormentors. Each one is somebody’s child. Would you know if (s)he was yours? 

Hints that your child may be a bully: 

1. You or your partner is a bully. The family is Ground Zero for learning about emotional responses and relationships. If a parent consistently yells or uses verbal threats, emotional blackmail or physical violence to manipulate family members, that’s what the child learns. And that learned aggression is likely to come to school with him/her. If you’re a bully it may be difficult for you to see it. If you’re wondering, ask your partner or your child “Do you think I’m a bully?” Hopefully they’re not too afraid to tell you the truth. 

2. Your child is bossy at home. Is she demanding? Do things have to be her way or she throws a fit? Curses at you? Threatens? Gives you the silent treatment? Refuses to cooperate? Takes it out on siblings? If you made a short list of adjectives describing your child would you paint a portrait of someone you admire? If you admit she’s self-centered, controlling, insensitive at home, why assume she’s consistently caring and supportive at school? 

3. Your child’s close friends are not the nicest people. You may not trust them without knowing why. Or you may have good reasons not to respect the choices these kids make.  If so, talk to your child (calmly and respectfully) about these friends. This isn’t about labeling or demonizing. And it’s surely not about getting into a power struggle with your child about who she can and can’t be friends with. This is about understanding your child. Be compassionately curious about his friendships and he’s likely to open up.  Your intent is to find out what your child likes about his friends and which ones, if any, your child may not be 100% comfortable with. 

4. Your child makes rude comments about other kids. Tune in to conversations between your child and her friends. What kind of language do they use to describe other kids? How often do you overhear gossip, a rude put-down, or a “joke” being made at someone else’s expense? 

Ask your child to tell you about the social hierarchy in her grade. Kids often like to display their expertise and you’ll be surprised at how detailed they get about who’s “in” and who is so not. Some kids will literally draw you a picture of the school’s social landscape! Listen closely as your child describes the kids who aren’t popular. Or the ones who are. Do you hear derogatory language? (“He’s such a loser.” “She’s such an ugly bitch.” ”Fat!” “Retard!” “Whore.”) If your kid freely talks this way in your presence, there are no barriers to the hurtful words (s)he’ll say, text or post when you’re not around. 

Parents of tweens and teens assume that their days of influencing their children are over. Not so! While it’s a fact that friends’ opinions are important, so are yours. You still have tremendous influence on your child’s values and behavior, and you always will. Even after your kids are grown with kids of their own. 

If you are aware that your child is a bully or leaning in that direction, it’s up to you to provide a course correction. When each parent does their job… bullying problem solved 

Annie Fox, M.Ed. is an award winning author, educator, and online adviser for parents and teens since 1997. http://anniefox.com  Her books for tweens & teens include; Too Stressed to Think? And the new Middle School Confidential™ series.  

Listen to her podcast series “Family Confidential: Secrets of Successful Parenting”    

Thanks to Annie Fox for sharing her words with us here!

Perspective and Prejudice.

The other day I took my children to the Wisconsin Veteran’s Museum. It wasn’t out of some patriotic need to see the museum, but rather, it was stifling outside, and the museum is free.

Located on the first floor of a building, directly across the street from the Wisconsin State Capitol, the museum possesses many collections of war memorabilia from various conflicts throughout American history.  I wasn’t sure what we would find, and how I would feel about the experience. I feel it is important for my children to learn about conflict, and the consequences,  so there we were. Standing in front of cannons, tanks, ammunition, and weapons of untold number, I realized how bloody our American past has been. Not that other countries don’t have equally bloody pasts, but I do not live there.

I thought about all the conflicts, and wondered if they were avoidable. I fielded questions from my children about the weapons, and the mannequins with blood on them. I paused as I saw pictures of veterans who had lost their lives from Wisconsin in the current conflict.

I can’t explain how I felt that day accurately, other than I was embarrassed to explain to my children why so many people couldn’t get along. When asked “why did so many people die?”  I couldn’t really answer, because I am not sure that the conflicts required so much violence.   Maybe they did, maybe they didn’t.

As uncomfortable and as somber as the experience made me feel, nothing compared to what happened next.

A family, obviously containing several generations, came into one area of the museum. Standing before me, in front of the exhibits housing Korean, Vietnam and World War II memorabilia, was a family of Asian descent.  I wasn’t sure of their exact origin, and I assumed they were visiting, or first generation citizens, because most of their conversations were in a different dialect. Not being an expert, I couldn’t be sure of which one.

Immediately, I was nervous. I was nervous not because I had some patriotic predisposed anger after viewing the memorabilia, but instead because I was embarrassed.  I was embarrassed, because I did not know what the exhibits would mean to them. I wanted nothing more than to ask them how viewing the exhibits made them feel. I wanted to know how their perception of history differed from mine. I wanted to do nothing more than talk with them.  I wanted to find out what they felt caused the conflict, and what could be done in the future.

Sadly, I was the only one. Several other visitors immediately left the area. There was whispering, and dirty looks.

How can we begin to solve problems if we immediately pass judgement on others? How can we assume that the other visitors were not citizens? How can we assume what they feel?  (Of course I realize that I am assuming that the other visitors left because of the apparent origin of the newest visitors however it would seem that they did try to hide it)

What does this have to do with Kindergarten bullying?

Nothing specifically, other than my children did not show the same distrust or displeasure toward people with differences.  They were not rude or disrespectful. They didn’t feel the need to leave, or whisper. They kept looking at the exhibits as though nothing was amiss, as they should have. It was clear to me that children are not immediately distrustful of their peers.

Do children pass judgement on their peers only because of images and attitudes held by their parents? It would seem so to me. What do you think?